Managing Anxiety and New Relationships

[elizabeths90]

First time ever posting on any kind of forum in regards to my own issues, but this just seems like such a welcoming and supportive environment to do so. 

I find it difficult to always approach my friends about these issues as I feel like they think I'm a burden or complaining - There is my anxiety again! I've struggled with it for ages and now I can recognize whats my anxiety and whats ME. Though I really really struggle with it when trying to form new romantic relationships. I was wondering if anyone else had experienced this? How they manage it and maintain the relationship.

I've had many off and on relationships and many with a manipulator and my first relationship as a teenager was an abusive one, I struggle with thoughts of doubt, stress, hurt and anxiety when I meet someone I like. Sometimes the anxiety towards a new relationship is absolutely unbearable! I'm 25 and am dating again now, I don't want to have a complete melt down when it doesn't work out or in the initial stages because I struggle with the anxiety.

I see my GP and psychologist regularly, but just wanting to hear from other people who experience the same issues and have coped with them. 

Thank you all so much in advance 

[Paul]

Hey elizabeths90.

I completely relate! Anxiety comes on then it starts feeding itself wondering if whether it's right or whether I'm going to get hurt and what happens if I end it and how will I know and on and on and on it goes! Mine sometimes ends in depression on and off and on and off.

Mine is to do with my father leaving when I was 4 and promising to come back - he did twice but didn't give a shit after that. That broke my trust in getting close to someone. That seems to have an impact in my romantic relationships. I had a relatively successful 12 year relationship so it can be overcome.

I've learnt that next time I meet someone special I'm going to really really listen to my intuition, the gut feeling that says yes or no. For now I'm getting to know myself a bit more and waiting for someone special to appear.

Manipulators can take a long walk off a short pier as far as I am concerned. Not needed in this life - it's hard enough to sing to our own tune let alone someone else's too.

Have you had a chat with your new love interest? Told them how you feel? Perhaps that might help.

Another important thing seems to be taking it slowly - which is really difficult. We're programmed biologically NOT to! But the need to know someone and make sure they aren't horrible sooner rather than later is so strong.

The key? Be aware that it's happening, be OK that it happens and that it's your mind's way of letting you know that it hurt before. A gentle acknowledgement of that helps. Sometimes letting the thoughts and feelings hang in the air in front of you so you can examine them like a curious kid and give them names like "That's fear of failing" or "That's scared of being hurt" or "That's a reminder I felt smothered when I was being manipulated". I've got a stupid orange pouch I put these thoughts and feelings in after I've looked at them. That way they aren't taken in as the scary anxiety producing type of emotions, instead they are accepted with neutrality and curiosity and popped in the magic orange pouch.

I wonder if that might work for you. It takes a bit of practice and seems a bit silly, but it makes looking at emotions as things that can't hurt as and things to be examined, easier.

What are your thoughts elizabeths90?

Paul

[MarkBt]

Hi Elizabeths90

I probably can't give you any useful advice but I can share a story of something that happened over 10 years now.

 I was in a relationship that I was too afraid to get out of, racked with anxiety about life, being alone, left on the shelf if I were to leave this relationship. Anyway, in the meantime I met this girl, i'll call her B. B was sexy, smart, confident and strong - all the things I wasn't. B did suffer from some sort of depression, but I was good with that given my own state. I so wanted to be with her, thought she wouldn't go near me. Months went by and eventually my girlfriend left me for someone else. Turns out she had been playing the back up plan better than I had. This meant uncertain times for me - B knew I was single again now and surprisingly to me, things started to develop quickly. What I didn't understand was that B was going to challenge me like no-one else ever had. 

 I fell hard for her - head over heels. I quickly discovered that she struggled with depression and was perhaps bi-polar so there was intense joy and love followed by walk-outs, hurtful comments and being basically shut out. I was too busy dealing with my own problems, I wanted stability, a need to be in a relationship that lasted forever. I was basically so afraid of being single, i'd do literally everything to prevent it. Here I was in this intense relationship that blew apart badly several times, it was eating me alive. WE eventually split for good and it wasn't until a year or so later that I realised how much pressure I put on that relationship to work. So much that I couldn't bear it any longer. Had I not been so afraid of being alone, I could have walked away from those hard times and know that she would return. Funny thing is, a part of me still loves her and always will because she changed me in a way no-one else could.

 Not sure how relevant this story is to you, but I learned it can often be the pressure we put ourselves under to make these relationships work; that is the very thing that destroys them. I honestly will always remember that experience.

 Hope it Helps..

[elizabeths90]

Hi Lats, 

Thank you for all your advice, I actually found it incredibly relatable and helpful! It's honestly a breath of fresh air to have a chat with people experiencing the same issues. You don't feel like a weirdo!
I've only been on a handful of dates and I don't feel like its the right time to speak to them about my anxiety just yet. I find it extremely hard because of the stigma and the reaction I've had from passed love interests when I've told them..but they clearly weren't the right person.

But I think you are very right in mentioning that I need to take things slow. In my head that's exactly what I want to do, I am also a bit nervous as the last person I dated I experienced high anxiety and panic attacks because I could feel in my gut it wasn't going to evolve..my biggest issue surrounding my anxiety is the fear of rejection. From emotional and physical abuse with my mother and ex partner (long time ago now!)
I sort of just go into the very private panic and survival mode!

I'm really sorry to hear about you father - isn't amazing how much they implicate our emotions and personality with their actions? How long those effects carry on for!

I think your idea how the pouch is something I need to do, in here is actually helping me a lot by addressing how I feel and having them validated by myself. I've also been told that keeping a diary and getting it all out can help - have you tried this method at all?  

[elizabeths90]

Hi Mark, 

That was a very touching story, and again very relatable..something I have also experience - but maybe not to the degree you have. 

I've been single for awhile, with on again off again partners that never really last long ...and I think its for that exact reason you said 'we put so much pressure on them to work, that it destroys them' I think that I get into something and can get ahead of myself and get so stressed and anxious about where its going, are they going to hurt me, when is it going to end..that it kills it. It makes it so intense that its unbearable for both parties. 

Then here's the kicker, the strange part ..I get worried when I don't get these overly intense feelings of anxiety or stress. Then I go...  'Am I managing this? Or is it just that I'm not into this person as much?' when it turns out that these people I don't have these over the top feelings for tend to be the good one, the ones who are supportive and calm and do call me back haha. 

As if navigating relationships wasn't hard enough! Throw depression, anxiety or any kind of disorder and its a mind field. I find myself constantly learning how to manage it. 

[Paul]

Hey elizabeth,

Thanks for your message - I'm really glad you're feeling a bit more comfortable knowing that we're all weirdos. Just kidding, we're all in the same boat and can relate to the same emotions and stuff we throw on ourselves as a result.

I haven't tried keeping a diary - I can't even put important work events in a diary properly. I think it's a bit like filing and putting things away for me. I pick things up and wonder where it goes I look at it, still wonder where it lives, put it down and run away.

Parents have an amazing influence on us and we get imprinted with their failings sometimes 😞 Understanding that they did the best they could at the time - whether right or wrong, is the learning exercise for me.

Chat soon.

Paul

[Paul]

Hi again,

I just read "The kicker" that you wrote in your reply to Mark. I have only one thing to say.

ME TOO!

LOL At work whenever anyone is heading out for lunch and they ask me if I'd like anything from the shops, I ask for a gentle 6'6" handsome man and a new brain.

They are yet to deliver on either! Colleagues can be so disappointing sometimes 😛

Paul

[elizabeths90]

Hi Paul,

​Hahaha can you place an order in for me to? 

Its all very confusing isn't it?! Sometimes I'd just like my brain to go 'Oh yep this is alright I'll go with this' not 'I AM GOING TO ANALYZE EVERYTHING' It's exhausting sometimes! 

[geoff]

dear Elizabeth, I feel as though I am interfering in such a good post, because I certainly don't want to take any credit away from Paul and Mark, so I'll just be brief.

There can never be a time when anyone doesn't feel anxious, it's just how we learn to firstly understand it, and whether we are strong enough or whether we aren't, but this is what you find difficult to cope with.

Stress is to being in a difficult situation, while being anxious is a reaction to being stressed, so let's put this into another situation, if you were the boss of your own company and interviewing for people to fill a position then more often you can tell if someone is suitable or whether they aren't, why, because you have learnt over the years on how to read someone, maybe slightly different with wanting to date someone, but runs along the same principle. Geoff. x

[Paul]

Intuition Geoff?