I hate myself

[Kbchib]

Hello,

I am 28 years old, married to an unimaginably wonderful man, mother to absolute perfection - twice. I work part time at a job I enjoy, have amazing in-laws and live in a beautiful home in a small town filled with kind and welcoming people. At surface level my life is perfect.

However despite all of this, I hold a deep sadness inside. Oftentimes it never shows but when it does it can range anywhere from being down momentarily to prolonged melancholy, and seems uncontrollable. I don't know when or why or how badly it will occur.

I have never spoken to a professional, but I believe multiple traumas from my childhood and adolescence have manifested into a deep-seated hatred for myself. I have absolutely no self-esteem. I am extremely introverted and suffer greatly from social anxiety; so much so that since moving interstate 2.5 years ago I have not made even 1 friend. My husband and his family are very well known in this town, so I have consistently met new, lovely people, but I cannot bring myself to attend social gatherings or attempt to make friends. I constantly make excuses to stay home. Just tonight I cancelled plans to celebrate our wedding anniversary, because I was too scared to go out in public and be seen.

I am terrified that people won't like me. More than this fear though, I am terrified that I will project my insecurities onto my children and cause damage to them in some way, and I am terrified that my issues will ruin my marriage or hurt my husband. I hate being this way but I truly dont know how to change.

I am open to any and all suggestions you may have. Thank you for reading.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Kbchib, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. We hope we can offer you some comfort and support tonight. We understand you must be feeling very upset and disappointed but please know that you're not alone in these insecurities and many of us can relate to your experiences of loneliness and social anxiety. We're so sorry to hear how overcome with anxiety you were tonight. We think it's really strong of you and so important that you have been so proactive in recognising you need some help and seeking it. If you find yourself feeling particularly overwhelmed, please know that there is help available to you. 

The Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636 or our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 are available to provide support and advice 24/7. Please do feel free to use these services to talk through what's on your mind when it's feeling like too much to cope with.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space.
 

[tired_magpie]

hey!
first things first is that i just wanted to tell you that i get it. i deal with a lot of similar feelings of deep self-disgust that just kinda come in waves and take me out. it's a real tough thing to have to handle on top of the regular stressors of life, and managing to build the life you have while your part of you is trying to take you out is pretty incredible.

if your circumstances allow it, i'd absolutely recommend talking to a professional if only to get your feelings out of your brain around someone who's like, legally not allowed to judge you! i've found it super helpful, if a bit embarrassing to begin with. the right psych really can make all the difference.

if that's not an option for you, i've found it helpful to isolate the part of my mind that hates me and personify it. for me, my self-hatred acts like a desperate teenager that needs people to like them. knowing that, i can respond with a kind of "it's okay, i understand that you're scared, but i've got it from here". kind of identifying that this is my brain trying to protect me or make me a better person but just going waaaay overboard. acknowledging it's input and gently steering away. a maybe give that kind of perspective a shot?

regardless, i want you to know that i see that you're hurting and i'm proud of you for the distance you've managed to go by yourself ❤️
- elijah

[Croix]

Dear Kbchib~

I'd like to welcome you here and can very much sympathize wiht your situation. It has made for a hard life and reaching out here will be a good move.

To have a wonderful family, good home, decent job and all the rest, including being on friendly terms with your in-laws sounds great -and can be completely irrelevant.

The way you feel is basically holding you prisoner, not allowing you to do the sort of activities one might expect, and instead fills your life with worry.

I ended up with several things including a chronic anxiety state -though that was because of matters not related to yours.

May I strongly suggest you do see a professional, particularly one who specializes in childhood trauma and take it from there. I simply got worse -no way I could force myself to improve - until I got competent medical help.

That made all the difference, I now lead a pretty good life, giving and receiving support and love, as well as achievement.

This was not down just to the doctors, but also my partner, who was an understanding support and source of love. You said you were married to a wonderful man, do you think you could talk to him frankly about this and get his understanding support? Trying to cope in isolation is terribly hard.

My mistake was trying to keep things to myself for far too long, it simply made matters worse.

I hope you will come back and talk more to us

Croix

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