Overwhelmed with my own mental health and supporting alcoholic spouse

[Turbine25]

Hi, I’m new. I can’t sleep again which is a recurring thing for me these days.
I am suffering depression caused by a huge build up of external and personal issues. I’ve had lots of change this last year. Moving away from family, quit my job, new town, remote, health issues, two young kids and an alcoholic spouse that has just relapsed on top of all the added stress covid has caused. I’m a health care worker in admin but still was incredibly stressed and working more then usual. Oh and we moved house and my child has had to change schools for the 3rd time and is only in Preprimary.
I feel like I am juggling so many balls right now, I know I’m not coping. I’m not sleeping, not eating but then binge eating almost making myself sick, anxious and unmotivated.

my spouse will not seek help, I’ve tried to encourage him to contact his counsellor, I’ve enlisted the help of close friends to check in because communication has broken down between us.

I am at breaking point with no family support where we live now, only a few friends but not people I trust yet.
I feel like the trust we have as a couple is broken because he was hiding the drinking from me again and making huge life altering decisions without me.
I know he is sick and I don’t want to walk away but there is only so much I can take and I have to also think about our children and the damage his behaviour might cause them.

I am trying to convince him we need couples counselling but he isn’t interested and I feel like he has just given up and doesn’t want me at all anymore.
I feel like I offer him no value or purpose being here because the only thing I’m good for is sex and keeping the house clean, we don’t talk anymore, he confides in other people who don’t know about the drinking and they drink together. I find intimacy hard because I have physical pain from health conditions and I have zero drive now because I am so depressed.

I know I am not perfect, I know I can stubborn and moody but I am honest with myself and how I am feeling, I don’t feel great right now but I’d tell him that I get no support at all.
I’m am so overwhelmed I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t even have my spouse/best friend right now. I feel more isolated then ever, I’ve made steps and seen my GP, have a referral for a psychiatrist and started medication.
I just feel so hopeless, adrift and unstable in my personal life.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Turbine25, Thank you for sharing this with us on the forums. We're glad to have you join us. 

It sounds like this year has been a really rough one for you and we're so sorry to hear this. Please know that you've come to a safe space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to support you through this really difficult time.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors at Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

[Croix]

Dear Turbine25~

You sound as if there is far too much in your life for anyone at all to cope with . You go to work - which is extra busy, your husband is an alcoholic and probably eats up the finances, as well as making uncalled for decisions,.

New town, no family, no one you trust, schooling problems, health issues and feeling used as a domestic and for sex -which you don't want. I'm not surprised you went to the doctor.

However from your account I'd not even be sure treating you is the most appropriate thing. Maybe in the short term in case you become overwhelmed (Sophie has given you some good numbers to call) , but in the long term?

I noticed you said

"I know he is sick and I don’t want to walk away but there is only so
much I can take and I have to also think about our children and the
damage his behaviour might cause them."

This is sensible stuff, so rather than wade in with suggestions that may or may not fit may I ask you what you would like to do?

I know that is a difficult thing to ask and you may not know the answer - whch might be where outside advice might help. The alternative from what you said might be stay put in the current environment, leave and maybe return to near your family, or what?

Can you talk this over with someone you do trust and cares about you?

I hope to hear from you soon

Croix

[bluenight]

Hi Turbine

Sounds really really tough. I just wanted to say that I think it would be helpful for you to eat well and don't over eat. I use eating a lot as a way of managing my emotions but it's important we don't mask what we're really feeling by eating a lot. It's important that we are able to really feel our emotions even though it may be uncomfortable and painful. I've found that being more intune with what i'm feeling has a flow on effect to other areas of my life. I use to downplay my eating habits, but numbing or using food to manage emotions is the same as self-mediating with alcohol, sex, etc, but with less severe consequences I guess.

Just thought I'd add this suggestion

[Turbine25]

It has been really rough. I really have tried to make the best of the situation after moving from my comfort zone and family. I forced myself to get out there, I’m very shy and lack confidence.
I got involved with a local volunteer group and would regularly give time to it, but haven’t of late thanks to covid. I volunteered in my old town too. I really enjoy it, I guess because I actually feel appreciated.

I made a few friends but not super close yet, I have discussed a bit of the history with one but I also don’t want to give them a really bad view of my partner because i would like things to resolve.
when things are good they are great, we get along, we are best friends and everything is so much easier when you have someone actually support and champion you. But the second things start to sour it gets bad for a long time. It’s been months in this rut now.
He has never cheated, or hit me or gaslighted me or shown any form of violence. We moved to secure our future, I just don’t even know if that future is even viable anymore he is also a wonderful father. I have had some pretty major surgeries and illness that he supported me through but it’s like he doesn’t take my mental health as serious but he has it worse. I take the in sickness and in health of our vows very seriously.

I know he has ALOT of childhood trauma, I just feel like I’m always one trying to save him and when I need saving for once suddenly it’s too hard.

i know I need to forgive the hurt he caused with the breakdown in trust, I just don’t know how to do that. I don’t want to be a door mat and have trust rebuilt only to be broken again because he knows I’ll forgive and move on.

he is the love of my life, but we are lost as a couple right now and it’s very selfish and one sided.
I have no idea how to get this train wreck back on the rails. Ultimately I do want to fix it, to also own my own depression and anxiety, improve myself for me first before anyone else. And hopefully things will get better... I don’t want to plan for plan B but have made sure I have employment I can return to should I make the break.

I know I need help, I’m not sleeping, my hair is falling out, scratching my arms raw when I do sleep, my skin has never been so bad and hair twirling when stressed is resulting in major thinning. I would never intentionally hurt myself but there are days when I just don’t care what happens to me anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Turbine25,

Thank you for reaching out tonight. We're so sorry to hear that it's been so rough. It sounds like you've been proactive in meeting people despite feeling shy - we think you are so strong.

Please do remember that there is always help available to you. Can we ask if you are you currently receiving mental health support, or have you in the past? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these feelings. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way. Many of our members will understand and may be able to help. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.