I exist but I am not living anymore.

pinkfloyd33 · ‎26-07-2016

Hello beyondblue readers, I am reaching out to anyone there who suffers from anxiety, unwanted thoughts and depression like me.

I have had anxiety since Jan or last year and it has become so much worse this year, I promised myself it was going to be a good year but so far I have broke that promise.

I feel like I am living in a dark hole and that nothing good ever comes in my life anymore.

My unwanted thoughts are robbing me from having a good and well maintained life, I am stressing myself out for no reason and I don't know what to do, I am so scared and when I look into what long term anxiety can do to the body I burst into tears.

I had a fear about death for quite sometime last year and as of last december I had a very bad incident of little hours of sleep in a week.

It was so bad that I was drinking to pass out but of course that makes me SO MUCH WORSE! I have been okay with been able to sleep but it's only because I have taken something to make me sleepy and then the next day I am drowsy and spacey. I am always thinking about fearing of not been able to sleep, it's so bad that I don't work anymore, I don't plan any events with anyone or even see anyone because I panic about not been rested.. I wanted to make music with the most humblest person I know but because of this fear I not longer get involved in music anymore.

I just can't seem to get my mind of this and it's destroying everyday, I just do the same thing everyday feeling sorry for myself and crying so much it makes me head hurt.

I am booked to see a psychologist in 3 weeks and I have medication in my dressing table draw but scared to try it.

Please someone help me or if anyone could reach out to me I'd be most grateful.

Thank you kindly, Jessica.

Muddlee · ‎26-07-2016

Hi Jessica,

You're story is truly inspiring and touched me personally.

Firstly, you have done an absolutely incredible job of coming this far. The fact that you have kept pushing through the toughest of times (believe me I know what they're like) and have shown strong willingness to improve your mental health by booking an appointment with a psychologist just reveals to everyone how strong you really are. Well done and I'm very proud of you! Remember, although you're goals may not seem achievable now, that's okay, because I promise you that with some good help and a bit of courage they will seem more than achievable in the future.

Secondly, you have made the best decision to book an appointment with a psychologist. I was in the exact same boat as you. I developed anxiety after the HSC and began to also experience these incredibly strange feelings and very disturbing thoughts. I tried to run away from them or control them but it only seemed to make them worse. My goals of studying law, writing poetry, playing A grade soccer and enjoying life with my friends seemed to drift away. It was agonizing. After about a year of doing this I realized it was time to front up and get professional help. Seeking therapy was the best decision I ever made. It was surprisingly cheaper than I expected and proved the best treatment for my anxiety as I was never the biggest fan of taking medication too. After about 1.5 years my life has completely turned around. Funny thing is I still have the same symptoms but they just don't bother me anymore. You can do the exact same, probably even better. I know you can. And remember, if therapy doesn't work out for you THAT'S OKAY because there are so many other beneficial and healthy treatment offers out there for you. And make sure you stick to your appointment no matter how tough it may seem.

Thirdly, I'll just give you some quick tips of what worked for me. These include:

-Talking to other people about your struggle - anyone -whether it be your friends, family, GP, therapist. You'll feel 10x better.

- Try challenging some of your fears by writing them down on a piece of paper and really look at the plausibility of the outcome.

- Calm breathing, relaxing music and even going for a walk can be some of the simplest but most effective ways of feeling more relaxed.

You will get through this bad patch. You will.

Hope this helps - Muddlee.

White_Rose · ‎26-07-2016

Dear Jessica

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It may help you to know that people with depression and anxiety have the same symptoms as you, just in case you thought you were strange for thinking in this way. Also there is lots of information on this site about depression and anxiety. Click on the blue tabs above and explore.

You sound very distressed about your thoughts and this is OK. Fear of dying, especially if you have been unwell, is quite scary. Sleep is such a precious commodity so when we are deprived of sleep we do get very anxious. Taking a medication to make us sleep is common but the side effect of making us drowsy the next day is a problem. I suggest you ask your GP for a different medication or if you can cut your current pill in half. Hopefully you will get to sleep OK but not have the after effects. But it is wise to discuss this with your doctor first.

I'm glad you realise drinking alcohol to the point you pass out will cause more damage to your body than anxiety. With your liver and kidneys not working well your quality of life will plummet. Do you practice yoga or meditation? Both practices are good for sleeplessness. Or perhaps have a walk before going to bed. Exercise is good for you when you are depressed as it helps the body to release endorphins into your system which make you feel better.

Unwanted thoughts are distressing and sometimes hard to get away from. When you have one of these thoughts try to switch something pleasant to think about. It will be useful to have a couple of topics handy, so to speak, so you can change thoughts quickly.

The other way is to take a hard look at your thoughts and work out where they come from. This can be difficult so may be best to wait until you see the psychologist.

I am pleased you have made an appointment as it will help settle down. You can expect to spend the first few sessions generally talking and getting to know the psych. He/she will also be getting to know you. So don't be disappointed if it appears that nothing is happening. It's important that you feel comfortable.

Beyond Blue is a safe place to talk or vent so don't be afraid to talk about you depression etc. here. There are also a number of recreational threads where people gather to talk over a coffee or play games. Have a look under the BB Social Zone and introduce yourself to people there.

Mary

james1 · ‎26-07-2016

Hi Jessica,

I feel your pain through your words, and it sounds like you're in a really dark place at the moment.

I want to also congratulate you on making the very brave effort to reach out to us and also book in time with a psychologist. That's shows you have a real inner strength, no matter how helpless you may feel.

In the meantime, Muddlee's given some really great advice (thanks Muddlee!), and of those I find music and walking help me.

Don't forget, in addition to your GP and other people in your support network, you can also give beyondblue a call. I've called beyondblue and lifeline a few times now and there is absolutely no pressure on you. They are there as a friendly ear to listen to your story.

I want to keep this short so let me offer you reassurance that none of this is your fault. I now think of mental illness as a storm that we find ourselves in. It's not our fault that it started storming or that it gets better or worse. All we can do is hug a friend, or a stranger for that matter, and wait it out.

So here's a really big hug from a stranger. We're here to wait this storm out with you.

If you feel like sharing more of your story, like how your day's been or what you do during the week to stay busy, I'd love to hear back from you.

James

pinkfloyd33 · ‎01-08-2016

Hello everyone thank you so much for your replies, I am very grateful.

About the exercise topic, when I do exercise sometimes I can't get a good 8 hours sleep because my mind is still ticking.. I really just don't know how to get out of my head.

So far I have been okay, sleep has been good these last 2 weeks but again it's only because I feel like I need to take something to help me sleep otherwise I just won't relax 😞

As you can see in my display picture that was me when I was 22, I am 25 in 4 months and I have put on 16 kilos since that photo and my main depression is due to how much weight I have put on.

I've spent 2 years on and off promising myself I will look as good as I used to look but when anxiety strikes I turn to food for comfort... I honestly wish it was the opposite direction.

I am now eating healthy but I am scared I will go back to these horrible habits and reading about how stress and lack of sleep can make some people gain weight makes me feel worse and give up, I just want to relax and be positive

I am so excited to see this psychologist in 2 weeks, I'm so vulnerable and desperate to be happy again.

Hope everyone is well

pinkfloyd33 · ‎02-08-2016

If anyone has lived this way and found what was best for them to overcome this I'd love some tips.

Thank you so much

james1 · ‎02-08-2016

Hi Jessica,

I'm also turning 25 in early December 🙂 I mean this in the nicest way: I hope, by 25, we don't feel the absolute need to keep talking here because we'll be in a much more positive and relaxed place, but by the same token, it'd be great to keep hearing on how you're going.

I'm still struggling myself, so maybe I'm not the best blueprint for success haha, but another forum member has a great little motto to be kind and gentle to yourself. I know it's hard when we are in this vulnerable and easily stressed state, but you can write yourself a kind note and keep it with you. For me, I remind myself that I'm a good person. So whenever I feel bad, i can at least tell myself that I am a good person, and I deserve to get better.

I hope you can take some consolation in knowing that to me, a complete stranger, you seem like a good and strong person too. You're trying very hard to get to a place where you feel comfortable, and from first hand experience, I know that takes so much courage. So please, don't forget to be gentle on yourself because you are a wonderful person.

Have you had a chance to speak to your GP about your medication for sleep? It sounds like you're caught in a bit of a cycle between lack of sleep and stress.

It'd be great to hear from you again.

James

Belinda1 · ‎15-08-2016

Hello I am really hoping that scientists and researchers and the government are pouring money and energy into anxiety to help us sufferers alleviate are suffering. When you are frozen stiff with fear and you can't move an inch can no longer sleep or eat or do anything and you are curled up in a ball on the floor, I think it is worthy of more research into better treatments. I get by on medication but it is not perfect there are still lots of ups and downs. Please scientists and government people hear my suffering please invest a new treatment of options revolutionary new treatment options. Treatment options that are so good that people don't want to use ice or alcohol or even smoke because they feel so fantastic. It will solve a lot of society's problems. I don't use anything except medication but I need something more that is good for you enriching backed up by science.

Nickname_65BD5CCF-CA54-46 · ‎18-08-2016

I just wanted to add that you're doing great for taking your own mental health in your hands and seeing help. That's fantastic.

Don't be scared by the medication. They don't work like party drugs with an instant effect either. Also don't be scared to tell the GP that "these don't seem to be working, can we try another type or dosage?". Brain chemistry is tricky stuff, don't assume the Dr's will get it right first time, or that your needs may change.

Also expect the medication to take a while. For myself, I found I needed four weeks to see effects, and to get past most side effects. And for me, they help a lot in terms of being able to stick to the routines I set myself (including healthy eating instead of comfort eating).

Odalisque · ‎18-08-2016

Hi Jessica, I just want to say how important getting help is. If you don,t click with a psychologist try another. Never give up. You are never alone with these feelings. We are all there with you. Don,t be afraid to get help from those around you..you will be surprised how many of us have suffered in silence and isolation..all the best.