How to stop lashing out?

[Amyy_93]

I suffer from both anxiety and depression (not clinically diagnosed, but it's very clear I have it, I have all the symptoms and it highly runs in my family)
I just seem to always be so tense, angry and frustrated, causing me to lash out in anger at my boyfriend, whom I live with.
It just seems to be getting worse, every thing he does/says just causes me to react. I get very anxious about certain things, especially driving. I just want to be able to stop lashing out, once I seem to get into angry mode I just cannot stop, my heart feels tense and beats really fast and I just get angry and literally cannot stop lashing out and yelling/crying.

What are some techniques that I can try at home to help me be a calmer and happier person, so I am able to concentrate on making my relationship work rather than ruining it. Thanks

[Pixie15]

Hi Amyy_93,

You sound like you have a lot of negative energy. Even if anxiety runs in your family it is probably a good idea to get a second opinion from a doctor. There are other health problems which have similar symptoms. 

Two different approaches you could try is to take up Yoga which is really good for cultivating patience. If you just want to burn up the negative energy try running or weight training. 

There is a book "Feeling Good" by David D Burns which has a program you can follow to help deal with the cognitive distortions. But it might help more to talk to a professional to get to the bottom of where all the anger is coming from. 

Hope you find a way to be calmer and happier. 

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Amyy,

Do you ever wash up ?   (Stay with me).   Let's say you do.   Run the water and put the plug in.   Slip in a few plates, cutlery.   Grab the scourer.  Is the water needing to be turned off ?   Have you past the point where you can ask your partner, child, cat, person that keeps picking off the best roses in your front garden,etc, to do the washing up for you ?  So - why the domestic description ?

You tell me.     Did you "get into an angry mode" thinking about something predictable ?  Did you "react" ?   Did you "lash out" ?   OK.  Why not ?   You can probably work it out - because you are in a situation you can control and that you've been in 1,000 times.   It doesn't even matter if there's a lot to wash up or a little.  It doesn't even matter if you break a plate.   You don't get angry when you are doing something boring or familiar.

So how can you apply "washing up" to anger management ?  It's pretty simple.  You need to predict a nasty situation happening.   You need to be accepting of the potential to make you angry.   You need to really be able to control yourself because when you are in that angry attitude you will take on the world.  You will smoulder looking for any opportunity to pounce and destroy a moment. Basically, as any anger management course will tell you, you need to find your triggers.  What makes you bust open like a stick of dynamite ?  How short is your fuse ?

Maybe when you're talking to your partner you can imagine the conversation is as mundane as washing up.   The water (partner), plates (conversation), scrubbing (arguements),etc, are all there but you don't have to get a flame thrower (angry vent) to clean them (keep the situation balanced).  Because they'll be another meal and life goes on.   If this behaviour of acceptance and listening becomes automatic it just means you've graduated to a dishwasher.   

Someone is still pushing a button.  You're just not doing anything to lash out.

Adios, David.

PS  Hey, I'm a composer - just thought some lateral thinking might help.   Most anger management is about perspective and pre-empting your own reaction.  Relationships Australia do various courses if you feel angry enough.

[Teacher9]

Its good that you are actually aware of what your doing and treating your man. I agree, it sounds like you have a lot of negativity inside of you and needs to be release through something not someone ie partner.

I would start by telling him or writing him a letter about your feelings and how its not a direct attack on him, he would appreciate this, before you lose him.

I would then look into meditation, yoga or a physical activity you might enjoy like boxing to expel this energy. When you feel these emotions coming on, leave the house and go for a walk with music, get a punching bag and go outside and punch. On a deeper level you might need to get to the root cause of why your angry.

[Amyy_93]

Thanks everyone, I joined a gym! And it's within walking distance from my house 🙂 will be focusing my energy on that from now on and see how I go 🙂
Thank you all so much for the support!

[Rissa_18]

Hi Amy i read your post and think this is all too familiar I have the same problems lately and I get angry and just take it out on everyone else especially if I'm in anxiety mode I lash out at the kids, my partner friends whoever even slightly gets my nose out of joint ( or so I think ) even the littlest thing seems to tick me off and when  I'm not anxious this doesn't seem to happen , or if I'm even in pain or have an anxiety symptom as I am right now I have been trying to over come my fears for about 6 years now and it's on and off and I try my best and have come a long way but still have a long way Togo it does help to talk to someone especially if u don't know them as such as a physiologist because they don't know ur situation and may understand more and I like the comment where u are suggested to write down how u feel especially as ur partner may not understand how ur feeling I'm sorry if I rambled so much and hope u feel better soon