How to stop comparing self to others?

[Tiffany1]

Howdy everybody! I'm not currently going through an episode, so I'm feeling pretty upbeat right now, but I just want to make sure depressed me in the future is prepared a bit better.

Sometimes I get this terrible thought process happening where it seems like everyone is getting on with their lives and achieving things and being successful and becoming better people. And my mind tells me that I've achieved nothing.

The negative self talk is quite bad when I go on facebook and I see everyone graduating with prestigious degrees and getting jobs, so I avoid fb now and I'm a lot happier. I went to an academically selective high school so it seems like most of the people I knew then are now highly respectable and employable people. It makes me remarkably jealous.

When I graduated high school, I figured I wanted to pursue my dream to become an independent creative, and I thought since I was kinda smart and work really hard, I could make it. So I went to university and took a degree in the creative arts instead of the recommended business/law/science/accounting/engineering degree. Now classes have finished, and I do have fellow artists who've got jobs lined up or are working for studios now, but I'm not one of them.

I had a tough time in university, at first I was really happy that I finally got to do creative stuff, but the head teacher was a real bully toward me and other students. He refused to speak to certain students because he didn't like their art, belittled other teachers and students behind their backs, and he'd push whom he considered talented artists so that they'd be getting no sleep. His emotional abuse made me relapse into deeply depressive episodes and I started hating creating stuff.

I can't share my art online now, and sometimes I just destroy my work because the voices in my head get so loud. I haven't even started looking for creative work even though I have pieces I can show studios. I'm looking for a day job situation too, but it gets me down when I look at receptionist ads because I'm not even qualified for those and I spent so long trying to become a creative it seems like a waste to become a full time paper pusher.

I feel like university was a waste and a huge mental struggle. I regret pursuing my dream. And I'm constantly comparing myself to more successful people. I know I have depression and anxiety to some degree. I just want to be happy with myself and what I've achieved? How do I focus on the good, and what good is there?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Tiffany, we've moved this thread to the Anxiety section.  Thanks for posting again, some community members should be along soon to reply. 

[Tiffany1]

Thanks Sophie, it's good to have it in the right section.

I might use the chat function of this website too.

[Tiffany1]

I'm definitely going to keep working on my coping mechanisms, but I'd also like some way out of this job.

If I were to leave the job, I also don't want to leave it on the grounds that I wasn't any good. I want to leave it knowing I was pretty good.

Like I said before, it's pretty sad looking for a job. I'm definitely not confident enough to look for a job in the field I studied. I did put in an application for one job, so I'm gonna wait it out and see.

I'm worried that if I find my current job stressful, I'll find other jobs just as stressful. I just don't really have a good frame of reference for how jobs should be. My mother worked in a factory all her life and now she's working in her own cafe. And I've only ever been a waittress, English tutor and travel agent.

I enjoyed tutoring, but I'm not qualified to be a teacher, nor would I have the client base to do tutoring full time.

I hate waitressing, I have anxiety so all it does it occupy my hands but my mind runs amok and makes me feel terrible.

Writing it all out helps, but no matter how much I manage my anxiety and how I feel about things, it won't make things better. I realised I needed to change things from the root of it.

Thw big one for me would be to find a job that fits me better whether I'm qualified for it or not.

[Guest_9809]

Hi Tiffany, and its nice to see you back again. I suspect the people that you corresponded with last time, may no longer be taking part in the forums. And given that there are a number of replies here already, that may well be the reason you have not received any responses last time you were here in March.

Anyway, now that your thread is in the Anxiety section where it belongs, I expect you will get a few more responses now.

I'm afraid I dont have a lot to offer you with regards to careers advice. I do know that sales related work (of which your travel agency is ultimately) is definitely not for everyone. I personally could never do it, I dont have the outgoing personality or 'get up and go' personality traits to get me through. Subsequently I have always worked in industries in the 'back room', in the line of admin, clerical, bookkeeping and hotel-motel management (mainly financial side of things). So a career needs to be something that you are comfortable with.

I'm glad that you are now getting some weekends off to give yourself some down time and a chance to do some art as you choose. Although I am sorry to read that art can also be a trigger for your anxiety, given an abusive art teacher in the past. Most unfortunate, because I find art to be extremely calming and I become totally engrossed in it. I too have severe anxiety btw, so I have turned to art and poetry as a calming activity. Perhaps you could discuss with your psychologist about your art-related anxiety triggers?

It sounds as though your psych therapy with the CBT is having a positive effect on your, and thats really good to hear. I have also done some CBT therapy with my psych, and have found it helpful too. I have further PTSD-related therapy planned for later this year, which I am not looking forward to. But I'm told that after my CBT, that is my next step, that I'm ready. (-:

I am a little pressed for time right now Tiffany, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard. I will get back to you again in the next day or two, or when I have a bit more time. I'm dealing with the fallout of some bad news regarding my hubbys health today. I expect by the time I get back to you, there will be other replies.

I hope today is a good day for you.

Taurus xx

[Tiffany1]

So I've deduced that the way to fix the problem is to keep my hopes up and poke around for other job opportunities.

I'm not going to let my unhappiness with my job affect other aspects of my life. I have been letting the negativity control me a bit too much, so I want to take that back and keep my work separate to the rest of my life. Which is hard, but I will try not to think about it if possible, and keep my free time filled with doing things that I want to do.

I've been doing that. So I do have swimming and I've even done a few horse riding lessons which have been great. They're quite expensive, so it's definitely not every week, but I do try to go swimming every week. I'll try to excercise a little more. And I'm going home tonight so I'll get to play with my dog at mum's house. I've been staying with my boyfriend on work days and then going home on weekends.

I've been venting to some of my friends about my situation. They're pretty supportive, but the guilt overwhelms me when I think that maybe they're getting tired of me, after all I don't really have much else to talk about because the negativitys been really overwhelming me. I'll take a step back and talk about happier subjects instead. It's pretty hard not condemning myself as a fundamentally unlikeable person, but I can't think like that. I'll focus on the positives in my life, and I'll try to write a list of my positives.

I have read in my Self Esteem book that this is a good thing to do if you are under the impression that you're no good/not good enough etc. It's fine to pat yourself on the back and learn not to discount yourself.

List of positives:

I'm pretty good with animals

I'm always polite, even to rude people

I can draw (I am working on doing this again, but it is difficult to draw again and look at my work)

I am a strong swimmer

I can speak multiple languages

I am on my Ls so I'm getting my hours up after being anxious about it for so many years

I care about people and always try to help

I was able to recognise that I needed professional help and I went and got a psychologist

I am neat and tidy

I am resilient

I am working on self improvement

I have a good work ethic

So keeping these in mind, I'll move forward. Not let my job define me right now because it's not ideal right now. Keep all the good things at hand which do make my life better.

[Croix]

Dear Tiffany~

I had a look at your posts starting last year and was impressed to find you are now taking control of things and also pleased that things are sort of OK, if not brilliant.

That list was excellent, not only because it helped in showing your ability to be positive but also because it give a picture of you - an admirable one.

Jobs change. They can come about though people you know or volunteering or just plain happenstance, not just formal job applications.

I think being creative is one of the truly important things in this world, to produce something unique that others can relate to is a real blessing. Mind you trying to judge one's own work is just about impossible - most creative people tend to judge their work far too harshly which can lead to the world's loss when materiel is simply destroyed. (Monet was an example) .

I've often wondered about that and eventually came to the conclusion that any work of art, in any discipline, is a combined effort by two, the maker and the viewer. Consequently the artist only sees their own aspect of the work, which has the other's contribution missing, thus dissatisfaction. Moral - don't discard, keep, even if only hidden away. They may fit later, or be the basis for better.

I would think going to uni will -long term - have given you assets to use in your art. Completing your studies is a wonderful thing, something you can use to reinforce your feelings of approval for yourself -and may sometime help with employment, museums need those with arts experience to name just one avenue.

It is truly sad you had a bad teacher. It's often said teaching is a fulfilling opportunity to educate and develop those studying, what is not so often said is it's also an opportunity to do an great deal of harm. One must reinforce the positive, harping on negatives is fundamentally destructive, leaving the student with unjustified feelings of failure. It's a teacher's job to build. I should know, I was a uni educator for umpteen years.

You left the ability to make judgments and act on them off your list.

Looking back on my post I see I've prattled on about creativity and not much else. I'd welcome it if you came back and talked more

Croix

[Tiffany1]

Hi Taurus!

Thanks for your reply! I've definitely been feeling a little lost which is why I'm back on
these forums, but I might make it a more regular thing to maintain my mental
health.

Travel consulting is very much sales driven. I didn't expect it to be so sales driven when I began, and
I don’t mind this aspect; I’m just not too successful right now. I don't dislike most human contact, but when I get into an anxious mood it can turn my usual self into a completely different person and I snap at people and I give up easily and I don’t like that side of me.

I do accept that it's not for everyone. In the meantime I will still have to show that I'm giving it my everything until I'm able to find something more suitable.

Art used to be calming for me, however I've built up negative patterns of thinking
around it. For instance "I'm not good enough" "this drawing will be bad" "you're not as good as xxx classmate" "you can't draw".

I will go back to my psych to work out these issues. I was wondering do you have any helpful thought
processes when you are drawing? What keeps you drawing? What inspires you?

My unhappiness with
my job has probably exacerbated me feeling upset and stressed. I have to
remember to forgive myself like I would a friend, because it would be fair for
anyone to be upset in my situation.

Today has definitely started looking up as it's my weekend off work now and I've been
working on managing my anxiety instead of being swept up by the bad thoughts.
It's hard to be productive when I'm in an anxious, ruminating mood, but I'll
just have to take it one step at a time. I might try to finish a drawing tomorrow and not to think too much about the final product and what it means, just be proud that I made something and leave it at that.

Thanks for taking some time out of your busy day to get back to me! It's been immensely
cheering. I wish your husband a get well soon! And not to forget to look after yourself as well.

[Tiffany1]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for the compliments! Thankyou for giving a reply.

I do hope that something about this job changes, whether it’s
the job itself or my success in this job.

It’s definitely been a struggle for me to create work and
leave it at that. Animation school encouraged me to be critical, it definitely
didn’t help my anxiety. What made it worse is That One teacher would often
stoop to personal insults in place of critique. He would be pleased with you
one day and then say you are a terrible student the next.

I did learn things at uni, but I find memories of that time
too painful to recall right now, it's all very raw.

I have trouble handling my thoughts while I draw (I always
have). They often become spiraling and negative when I spot any kind of
mistake. I know now that it’s because I’ve always had anxiety from a young
age. An example of what I think "1. That line doesn’t look right -> 2. You shouldn’t be
making this mistake, Bob wouldn’t make this mistake -> 3. That’s why Bob has
a job at Adobe and you don’t -> 4. You’re untalented and bad at art,
university was a waste of time." I’m going to write a list of good things about
each drawing I end up making, that might help. I did do that for a little while, but I gotta persevere with it.

Haha, I have destroyed works. I try not to do it now, but at
times all I could see are mistakes. I think my anxiety fuels it a little. I had a
similar feeling when at work they played back a recording of a consultation I
did, all I could hear was mistakes and I said to my manager that it was
terrible and I could say nothing good about it. My manager was able to give me
a more realistic view of it.

I would love to work in a museum. And thankyou for pointing
out another positive quality of mine. I’m glad you took some time out of your
day to have a chat, it’s good to see fresh perspectives. It’s definitely been a
bit stifling which is why I came back to these forums, to hear something other than my thoughts, and it has been very helpful indeed.

[Croix]

Dear Tiffany~

It's late, one very quick observation about 'mistakes'. Humans are not machines - they can't even draw straight lines unassisted. It is very easy to write off an unintended effect as a mistake when the whole point of art is not to be photographically accurate.

I'm trying to say humans' creations are in part great because of randomness in execution - or mistakes if you prefer. So don't blindly write off features just because you did not intend them. True they might be bad for the overall composition, but then again they might enhance it. It comes back to how others as well as the artist perceive it.

Also some things come about because they are buried in your mind and go straight from unconscious thought to hte papee -an obvious example is feeling of uncertainty leading to tentative or shaky lines.

I think you already know all this.

Writing down the things in a work you approve of (I did not say were right) is an excellent idea.

A job at Adobe is probably going to be soul destroying long term.

'Night

Croix

[Tiffany1]

Hi Croix,

I think it's definitely time for me to face my fear of drawing again. I've been doing it on and off because my negative voices come back very strongly with nasty remarks every time.

Since work has been so stressful, I've been using it as an excuse to not do stressful things outside of work. But I think once I start building more helpful phrases and forgive myself more, I will be able to draw without suffering anymore.

I'll start out by drawing for 20 minutes each day. Previously I was aiming for 30 minutes and I was managing that for a while, but I will need to get back into the swing of things before I can aim for more time.

I do need to start appreciating mistakes instead of being afraid of them. Because everyone will make bad art, that's just a fact. And like you said, not every mistake will detract from a work.

thanks for the chat, I'll be finishing up my lunch break.

I'll definitely keep posting my progress with my mental health and how my job is treating me. It's very helpful.

Hope you have a good one!