How to learn to say no!

[Guest5643]

Hi i want to start this thread for people to help others with tips on how to learn to have the courage to say no. I would add some but i dont have any because im still struggling with trying to learn it. Unfortunatly people see my weakness and take full advantage of it. Today my neighbour asked to use my dryer to get her cat hair off her sheets. She has clean sheets i have her cat hair in my dryer and due to my hyperosmia the fragrant smell left in what was an odour free dryer has sent me nauseas headache major anxiety. I wish there was a self esteem type workshop you could go to and magicaly come out with confidence to stop being used all the time.

Cheers lynne

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Lynne,

Such a great thread - thank you for starting it.

This is absolutely something that I'm trying to work on. There is hundreds of workshops and books but I honestly think that if it was that easy we wouldn't have to struggle with it 🙂

One of the things that's really helped me personally is using no as like a mini exposure therapy. I've started to say no to really small things, and that's helping me start to say no to the bigger things. I'm not sure where you might be on your exposure therapy ladder, but maybe you could start with people on the street handing you brochures, or staff in those stands in shopping centres trying to sell you things or even telemarketing phone calls. I'm not sure how daunting any of these are for you (or even if they're easy!), but I think when we get some practice it makes the other things a bit easier.

Hope this is helpful 🙂 I look forward to reading about the other posts in this thread too.

RT

[Guest5643]

Hi RT

What a great idea, i always put my head down and avoid eye contact with brochure people and pretend to look like i cant hear them. I'll start practising no now with them as training. Thankgod i never get telemarketing calls cause i never answer my phone if i dont know the number. Its also learning to say no without over analysing for ages and feeling guilty even when you know that if you ask the same thing to that person they would say no. Cheers lynne

[Alexlisa]

I have so much trouble saying ‘no’ too. The level of anxiety it brings up in me is so high that saying ‘yes’ to whatever it is seems like a less torturous option. But it has really led me to over time develop quite a low opinion of myself. And also, feel a resentment towards those I’m saying yes to, when I really don’t want to be.

Something I found interesting is the idea that “no is a full sentence”. We get so caught up in feeling like we need to excessively explain our reasons for saying no, but actually no one is entitled to an explanation. It’s up to us to validate our own reasoning, and sometimes that reason can be ‘I just don’t feel like it’.

I’ve noticed for me the hardest time to say no is when it’s so that I can prioritise my own self-care. If my mental health is suffering, I’m tired, sick or just need some down time, I feel like these are not ‘valid’ reasons to say no. That it would just mean that I’m selfish or lazy. But actually, this is me being responsible and accountable for myself. It means that I can hopefully stay well and will then be able to be there for others. But I need to be there for myself first.

Something else that has helped (that was an absolute lightbulb moment for me) was the idea that no matter how hard we try we will always disappoint people sometimes. And that that’s ok. I’d never ever thought of this before. I’ve always strived to be ‘perfect’ and that included saying yes to everything/everyone. But it’s ok that I’m not perfect, it’s ok that I disappoint sometimes. I can live with that. I had no idea 😳

[Here_I_am]

Hi all!

Alexlisa, you raise some awesome points here on self care and raise the subject of how crucial it is to look out for ourselves first; especially when we're feeling low or tired or drained.

Self care should never be de-prioritised, yet we can easily fall into the trap of putting everything and everyone before ourselves.

There is a multitude of really good literature on the psychology of personal/professional boundaries that I have found really useful in my life. The value of understanding boundaries has lead me to the realisation that boundaries are mine (ours) to set, and they are not reliant on feelings or emotions; in short, healthy and strong boundaries stay in place even when our own anxieties, depression, self-worth, etc. are telling us something very different about ourselves. If we do the work on our own personal and professional boundaries, the value becomes evident when we would otherwise make decisions not in our own best interest.

Has anyone else found exploration of boundaries or other self-help strategies to be of help in situations where we can be our own worst enemy; where we would say 'yes' to something that we would never agree to when feeling well?

[Alana_H]

Hi Helium,

I agree with what others have posted, this is a great topic to have opened. Saying no is such a tricky thing especially when you feel that saying no is considered impolite, something a lot of us have learned as children and it's hard to to shake, particularly if we have anxiety. It sounds like you're a caring person and sometimes that does mean people will ask more of you, so I think it's even more important for caring people to learn to say NO.

A really helpful thing for me is when I learned assertive communication. It's not about being aggressive (or about saying yes all the time), but a nice balance in the middle. Basically its about communicating your needs without putting the other person of the defensive. So its not about saying "you should go and find a different dryer" or "you shouldn't have asked me to do that", but more "I'm sorry, unfortunately I am very sensitive to smells so I can't have other peoples washing in my dryer". Using I sentences makes sure people aren't to defensive.

But it takes practice!

Another resources I've found helpful for communicating with people I'm close with is the DEESC script. Although it seems a bit lengthy I think it really helps me communicate my needs while still taking into account the other persons opinion. Here is a link with how to do it and the actual script at the bottom. https://www.cogtoolz.com/pages/deesc-script

Thanks again for opening this thread and I if you want to, let us know how you're going!

Alana_H

[Guest5643]

Hello everyone.

What fantastic replies here👍

So much great advice ill try give a go. I read yrs ago in body and soul magazine that if you have mental illness and your not feeling well and need to be alone and do your own thing even if its just lying on a lounge or in bed and someone asks you to do something or go out somewhere with them, to not feel guilty and say to them your busy because just lying there is genuinley being busy because your being busy at that moment looking after your fragile health. I want to write more but my dogs pestering me again. I say no he says go. Cheers lynne

[micaela_wearne]

Hi! What an awesome thread idea! I'm super new here but already love all the support. I totally feel this. Saying 'no' is really hard. I'm still working on it but one thing that helps me is to remind myself that you can actually say 'no' nicely which is what a lot of the other comments seem to suggest. It doesn't have to be aggressive. You can politely decline a request or invitation and if their feelings still get hurt that isn't your doing.

One of the key situations I often get myself into is saying 'yes' to an event or situation I don't really want to attend but I just agree in the moment and say I'll deal with it later. Then when the event actually comes around I either go due to the guilt I might feel to cancel or I pull out an excuse not to go and cancel last minute. I've realised it is far better (for myself AND for the other person(s) involved) to just say 'no' to begin with than to say 'yes' and either go with a negative attitude or pull out last minute and let someone down. It's kind of like how it's better to tell the truth even if it's difficult than to be caught out in a lie later on.

Sometimes we tend to handball these issues on to our future self instead of taking a moment to think about whether we really want to do what is being asked of us. I completely empathise with the difficulty of saying 'no'. I am a world class people-pleaser but I'm slowly learning that I can't show up for others fully unless I show up for myself first. Self-care isn't selfish; it's necessary. Hope this helps in some way! All the best. 🙂

- Micaela

[quirkywords]

Lynne,

This is such an interesting and helpful thread. I am learning about myself.

I realise I have trouble saying no so much I say yes and then suffer or then I have to cancel if it involves a social activity. I can relate to you and the cat hair.

I have to weigh up what is worse my guilt at saying no or my discomfort at saying yes.

Sometimes I want to say yes because I want to push myself a little in some ways.

I do suppose it is about finding the balance as Alanna says . That's what I need to do.

Thanks Lynne for starting this discussion and giving me ideas.

Quirky

[RicardoD]

Hi Lynne,

There's a decent book called "The Power of No" by James and Claudia Altichur (if the title seems familiar it's borrowed from the more famous 'Power of Now' by Eckhart Toll). Well Claudia and James are....well, a little odd, talking of higher energies, all becomes a bit American drama Drake Ramoray (for Friends fans). However, there is some excellent stuff in there, principally that saying no is immensely powerful. Often we feel like we need to give excuses if we cannot attend a party or work function or birthday, feeling that we need something compelling that will is 'good enough', that others won't understand if we say simply don't feel like it. The book suggests to take away the stigma by just saying you can't make it. Simple. "Sorry, can't do that date". If you're feeling generous you could suggest another time to meet up, but if you don't wan tot go, simply say "thanks for the invitation but you can't make it." After years of my partner telling me that I'd turn up at the opening of an envelope if it made others happy, I started incorporating this method. Not one person I battered an eyelid when I said no.

I agree with the above on finding a balance, sometimes pushing yourself into a bit of uncomfortable can be exciting and rewarding. 99% of the time it's never as bad as you imagine - our visions of the worst that can happen can be frightening places! I wish you the very best in saying no, and remember, time is not money, it is WAAAY more important than that. Time is the most important thing you'll ever have, no amount of money or wishes can ever buy more. Use it wisely, do things you enjoy, say no often to pursue things you will genuinely get pleasure out of (that's where the 'yes' bit comes in!)

Good luck, Richard