hocd

[giraffe1234]

I am a 17 year old male and for my whole life I have alway been completely straight. I havent had many sexual realtions with the opposite gender but when i did i always enjoyed it and i always fantasised about it and even having some romantic relationships. Being gay never passed through my mind i used to be so anti-gay (Not that i hate or dislike gays, my sister is gay i have no problem with them, just that anything gay would instantly turn me off). However recently while watching porn i came across a video that wasn't gay but definitely more about the male then female. and after this video is where it started. My mind was flooded with intrusive thoughts. i would constantly think am i gay asnd you are gay. My mind would always have thoughts about being with other men and it made me so anxious that I wouldnt be able to function. whenever these thoughts occurred, which is about 90% of the day, i had to sit in my room freaking out and researching what was wrong with me and attempting to tell my mind that i was still attracted to woman. It caused me enough pain that for basically every night i get these thoughts, id just break down and cry. I researched it a lot and it sounds like im suffering from HOCD. Recently i feel like the thoughts have won and that i am gay. for some reason the thoughts of being with a man and some sexual relations (still some parts of gay sex that i cant stand) with a man feels like the right thing and it makes me just feel like i am actually gay even though deep down i still feel like im not. is it possible ive turned gay from this?? sorry for a long post my mind is just on edge right now

Side note: From the start of 2017 till now i have suffered from social anxiety and depression and i am currently seeing a psychologist for it.

[Croix]

Dear Giraffe1234~

Welcome here to the Forum. It was very sensible of you to come here and talk about your thoughts, a difficult subject to anyone to talk about.

I"ll start off by saying I'm not a doctor and so can't really tell you what's happening, I can only say what I think. There is a difference between one's sexual preference and thoughts about one's sexual preference.

From the sound of it you hare thinking about this all the time, and are finding it very troubling. I suspect it is, as you suspect, a symptom of an obsessive compulsive disorder, with intrusive and unwanted thoughts taking over. They could be about all sorts of things, in this case sexual orientation.

Humans are sexual beings and I'd imagine it is quite possible to be straight and still feel arousal when watching something gay, and I guess the other way around might hold true too.

Actually I hope you don't mind me saying that if you are gay or not is a separate issue and will sort itself out in time, it is the disruption to your life and happiness that needs to be dealt with now.

May I ask if you have raised the matter wiht your psychologist or doctor? Intrusive thoughts, whatever their nature, do respond to professional treatment.

Croix

[giraffe1234]

hi croix, thank you so much for replying.

I havent seen my psychologist as I spent some time with my dad for the holidays (Parents are split) who lives away from the psychologist and as of right now he is on holidays which sucks because i really want to talk about this too him. My whole day consists of constant anxiety over the subject. Ive tried to succumb to my thoughts and just say i am gay and it provides slight relief to the anxiety but this is short lived as right after i do this theres something in my body that tell me no you're straight. I think back to all the good times ive had with girls and i love them and this just makes my anxiety worse because i worry that im never going to experience these feelings again. I am going to try and see my psychologist as soon as possible as this is by far the worst and most distressing thing ive ever felt in my life.

[Croix]

Dear Giraffe1234~

It is a right pain when everyone is away and you have to wait for help. I know it is a difficult subject however is there an understanding family member or friend you can talk to in the interim? Sometimes it can help.

Can I suggest that for the moment you take no action on those thoughts? Simply continue relationships, friendships and simple acquaintanceship with all the people of either gender that you did before (which can be hard ATM) so you do not cease something you may later value.

Actually I think your last post has something very encouraging in it. You said that your body was telling you something a bit different from what you had 'intellectually' decided (that you were gay), and you only made that decision to get a bit of peace.

Two things, firstly I don't think making that decision will stop the troubled thoughts, it is the nature of OCD to cause worry no matter what. The second, again I'm supposing, is that the thoughts although pervasive and strong are not related to the real world and your real sexual orientation, but are simply thoughts that have started to generate themselves without your wishing them.

It will sort out, it is just a question of hanging on for the moment. If you get the chance to do things that occupy your mind with other things that would be good (again not easy to do).

Croix

[giraffe1234]

hi Croix, thank again for the reply

I have thought of speaking about it to friends and family but its a strange topic and with my sister being gay i feel as if they will just put it off as me being gay. Im trying to occupy myself by doing other things but its hard as i dont like going into public as if i see another male my mind will be raided by sexual thoughts about them which make my anxitey worse and even when im by myself the thoughts always find a way to creep in. Thank you for the support, it has helped me a lot. Hopefully i will see my psychologist soon and it will all sort out. thank you again.

[ErdiTM]

Hello giraffe1234 sorry but could you please update us on how you are going? I’ve only started HOCD for about a month now and am feeling very depressed and feel like I won’t make it, did you do anything to help or is the issue still going on for you. Thanks

[ErdiTM]

Please, I would really love to know because I’m having close to a panic attack right now while writing this from all the thoughts and I would do anything for everything to go back to normal, again thanks