Help : She thinks she has the Father in Law from hell

[Erida]

Hello,
For nearly 10 years, our daughter in law has been my sons partner and from day one we felt she wanted to avoid us. Frequently she would withdraw to the bedroom when we were at their home, not that that happened very often. . In the 10 years they have been to our home, 4 times. My son defers to her. Happy wife, happy life, Seems to be his motto, She has declined countless nvitations to both visit us and be involved in family events We suspected she has anxiety and depression from her behaviour so we didn't push things. Recently after a strained get together cross words were exchanged and a horrible argument ensued during which she said that she ONCE had an eating disorder and was hospitalised.
This explained a lot but now she accuses us of criticising her and not supporting her.
Our son supports her, she is his wife. We want to have a caring relationship with her but it seems she has decided she loathes her father in law and accuses him of picking on her.
We understand that anxiety is not anyone's fault. How do we best relate to her and reassure her ? We want to embrace her as part of our family.

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome. Depending on the experience of the other person the time it takes to change their behaviours (for lack of a better word) can vary a lot. As a person with anxiety and depression I can only share some of my experiences or thoughts.

• Something that might sound innocent can also be a trigger for another person - at least that is my experience. It could be a word. This might sound as though you have to walk of egg shells.
• And it does sound like you also want to support here as well. It is unfortunate that it had to take a argument for you to find out a little of her history. Something said in the first meeting might have had a negative effect. Again ... talking from my experiences.
• Does not feel comfortable to tell you about her history. Many of my relatives do not know what I have. And others who I have told have made comments that were not helpful. So why tell others.
• feels more comfortable or safer in own space.

There are many possibilities or explanations to her behaviours and trying to force any changes would not likely work out. There are perhaps 2 things I could suggest for you... the first is to really be patient and supportive. I know you are probably the later but patience in really key. The other would be self-education. If you do a google search for

support someone with eating disorder

to find tips on what to do and what not to do - for example, respecting her, and not blaming or shaming etc. Also be kind to yourself... 🙂

Tim

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

In addition to Smallwolf's advice I have one comment. You say due to her behaviour you "suspect" she has anxiety and depression "so you dont push things". Can I suggest that it is shaky ground to assume a mental illness. Until you get to the bottom of her reactions you simply dont know what the real problem is.

I say this because some people said I had ADHD...I was even diagnosed wrongly for it yet I had Hypomania with similar symptoms so the real diagnosis was bipolar. In her case it might not be an illness at all (apart from her self claimed eating disorder).

Patience, as SW pointed out is crucial even though 10 years has passed. Your end of your tether has arrived but reaction from that will only drive her further away.

Finally, inlaws dont have any obligations to "become family" or even friends. As unfavorably as this is it is not so uncommon and we cannot violate their rights to a inlaw free existence. My wifes cousin, lovely lady we are close to has been married 30 years. My wife and I have been married 9 years. I first met my wifes cousin's husband last xmas. Up till then he has avoided family get togethers. It is something you cannot push.

This is not to say you have any ill intent, your intentions are from the heart and thats why this behaviour is like a feeling of rejection. If she does this to others then it isnt personal.

All the best.

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi Erida

I'm sorry that you and your wife find yourself in such a difficult situation.

You obviously love your son very much and are trying your best to build a relationship with your dil. Although, you need to remember that relationships are two-way streets.

You can't "fix it" without some effort from her. And 10 years is a long time to have been trying. While a mental health condition definately has an impact in a situation like yours, my guess is that there's more to the story.

For example, many people with mental health conditions have good days and bad. Periods of stability and periods of relapse. I'm struggling to accept that an eating disorder and past hospitalization or anxiety alone explains 4 visits to your home in 10 years.

Of course, I could be wrong. So, I want to ask, does she hold down a job? Does she have friends? Do they have a social life as a couple? How does she get on with her own family? Do they intetact with other members of your family?

There's no pressure to answer but happy to keep talking.

Kind thoughts to you