Hello, new here.

[Ellie86]

Hi,

I have been tinkering around this forum and have been reading posts endlessly. And from everyone's personal and inspiring words, I feel ready to reach out, share bits and pieces about me and perhaps gain some insights from others.

So a bit about me, I have had anxiety for what seems like forever (since 13 yrs old), have battled depression but have overcome that aspect slowly. I do suffer OCD and negative body image. I have seeked various treatments for my conditions, but always end up back to the start especially with anxiety.

I'm now 27, mother of 3 and also a full time uni student. I left my "baby daddy", who heightened everything with depression, anxiety and OCD (not a nice human) but have been more than blessed and lucky to have met 'my person'. I feel my life is in a positive place, I got accepted into a highly academic and difficult course to get into at uni, my children are happy and healthy, my fiancé' is just so beautiful and has so much patience with my mental health issues.

But I just feel my anxiety is becoming out of control and consuming me, I don't know why. There is only so many times I can vent to my dearest friends who are simply gorgeous but they have their own lives.

I'm trying so hard to be "normal", it's so exhausting.

I have finally accepted the fact that I have mental health issues that I need to address now, for me firstly, my person and my children. 

I have reached out to local anxiety and OCD support groups, which is so terrifying for me to go to, but I must, I want to start healing and manage that part of my life. After over a decade, I feel ready to address mental health illness in my world.

I want to feel mentally sound and not alone. The hardest part for me when I have a "moment", I feel so alone, out of control with being irrational and question myself with anxiety.

I don't want to be a shell of myself any more, I want to start living, I feel so awkward with having a few issues especially body image which fuels anxiety hugely for me, it consumes me so much, I feel like a 14 year old girl always comparing all aspects of herself to others.

I wish I could put a sign up for my life saying back in 10 minutes, so I can have the time to work through all that I need to, without the pressures of motherhood and uni. (Perhaps I could just slip out the back door for a while and nobody notices.)

Does anyone go to support groups? If so, how was that experience?

Thank you kindly, sending all love and light. x

[JessF]

Ellie that 'back in ten minutes' is hilarious! I want a t-shirt or a big necklace with a little wooden sign on it that says that.

I think it sounds like you have things really well balanced, you do talk to your friends and your fiance by the sounds of things and they are aware that you do it tough from time to time, but we all need to be able to blow off steam with others who know what its like, and we worry about overburdening the people we know.  I have never been to a real life support group, but I have used plenty of online ones like this.  I still see a psychologist too which helps 'reset' me.

If I were to say anything to you, it would be try not to struggle to be 'normal', just let yourself be. Some days that will be firing on all cylinders, and other days will be a struggle. Everyone around you knows this.  Allow yourself to be honest and reach out for the help you need, which you are doing already.  Don't be ashamed.  And thanks for the love and light!

[Ellie86]

Hi JessF,

how are you?

Thanks for the reply, so kind. 

Haha, would love back in ten minutes on a T-shirt too. 🙂

You're absolutely right with feeling like we over burden our loved ones. Hence, my desperate need to reach out and find another outlet. I'm so glad seeing a psychologist helps reset you (it sounds so refreshing). I have tried that route but I suppose it wasn't for me or perhaps I haven't found an ideal psych for myself.

I have my first "meeting" tomorrow, I hope I'm not so awkward. Completely a bundle of nerves. 

Oh gosh JessF, I had tears in my eyes while reading your last sentence "Allow yourself to be honest and reach out for the help you need, which you are doing already.  Don't be ashamed." -- As I haven't for years done that, and feeling and being ashamed of who I am and what I've become ie; anxiety and such, really hit home for me, thank you JessF. My eyes are open to letting that feeling go, slowly but surely.

Hoping you have a lovely evening,

love and light any time 🙂

-- Ellie

[JessF]

Hello Ellie, I am pretty good at the moment! A few dodgy patches recently but I had a lovely weekend, mostly just in my own company and getting out and about around the city.  I went to one of the comedy festival shows in Melbourne on Friday night, I never would have gone to things on my own like this a few years ago, but I had a great time.

How did your meeting go? Would love to hear.

[geoff]

dear Ellie, I don't know how I missed your comment, because it involves OCD, which I have had for 54 years, so I hope that you are still checking your post, so please let us know, as it's 3 days ago. L Geoff. x

[Ellie86]

Hi JessF,

how are you?

Apologies for my late response, the school holidays are upon us, so I have been busy entertaining my little humans. 🙂 

Sounds like you had a great weekend, please do tell me all about the comedy festival? I have never been to anything like that.

Any plans for this weekend?

the support group meeting was last Saturday, it was good. I couldn't believe how many people went and also the diversity of everyone. It was settling, as I really could feel and see that I am not alone. But now, I have silly anxiety of "what did they think of me" , things like that. Sigh. I will try and peel myself off the next one within a monts time.

ATM, I'm struggling to find motivation for uni work, I'm second guessing my career path, my passions, my knowledge, my intelligence. I suppose, I'm feeling a tad flat this week.

But hopefully, it will ease soon.

i hope you're happy and well. Have a lovely day.

sending love and light.

-Ellie

[Ellie86]

Hi Geoff, 

how are you?

How do you manage your OCD? How is it present in your world?

I am a clean freak, and a double checker of many things.

 I have implemented one day a week as my clean day (Fridays). But it is difficult, to adhere to that one day. 

Hoping you have a great day, love and light.

- Ellie

[strangebrew]

HI Ellie,

Glad you found a support group and that you found it helpful. I joined one this year and have been going on and off for last 3 months and has been really helpful. I hope you stick with it, I got the same anxiety of wondering what others think of me but the more I go the less I find myself worrying about it, as I know the others are probably thinking the same thing.

keep up the winning game plan!

[geoff]

dear Ellie, I did an online course to help with OCD which was pretty intensive, and the organiser rang me up once a week, but I can't remember how long the course went for, but it was at least 4 weeks.

I never felt comfortable when talking with her, because she was thought that it would cure me and help me overcome this illness, and even when the course had finished I was supposed to practice all the exercises everyday or whenever I did a habit, but it was too exhausting and the easy way was to continue doing them.

None of my siblings or parents had it, and this includes my twin brother, but I believe it comes from one of my grandparents.

It started about 54 years ago from anxiety and at this age it was extremely intensive, and one brother used to tease me like hell, so this taught me to hide it from everybody.

At school we played lots of sport, which made me cut down on doing it, although I still did little ones but very quickly.

It's something that has harassed me all my life, although some habits/rituals I used to do I don't any more, but they are replaced by something else.

It's an annoying and persistent illness and people can not understand the logic of us having to do them, so they call us being mad.

I take a SSRI antidepressant which is meant to help with it, maybe it does, maybe it doesn't, but when my doctor gives me a script he has to ring the government line and say to them 'he needs it for OCD'.

Like you and all the other sufferers of this illness, we only wish that we didn't have it, but the same goes with depression. L Geoff. x

[Arrie97]

It's nice to meet you Ellie,

I'm relatively new too and hope you find the posts and discussions here as helpful to you as they have been to me. It's nice to know other people really get you and that you can vent!

I know what you mean about anxiety consuming you. Even when things feels like they are right in your life, it feels like there is still something nawing at you and bringing you down. It's tough.

I'm glad you are seeking help. It's important we try our best to help ourselves for ourselves, but it's so important for our children too, who may go through the same things in the future. They may one day need you to step up and help them, and having your own unresolved problems can make it hard to really be there for them, despite wanting to be there. 

I feel like I can really relate to your story too. I suffered with anxiety most of my life, but I particularly had a huge OCD problem between the ages of 7 and 13 when I was a complete neat freak and everything had its place and I could tell when someone even slightly touched something and made it out of place. I would constantly check my bedroom door was locked too, as if someone had gone in there in the past 30 seconds and messed it all up. I overcame this (mostly) when my younger sister was born and had a tendency to touch and move everything in her path - it was sort of like therapy to me I guess. But during this time, when I really needed help, my family would use me as their entertainment unfortunately. They would invite their friends over for dinner parties and have them move things in my room and then have me come in after to say what was moved. You can imagine how hurtful this was and how anxious I felt. The memory of them laughing at me and acting like I was a freak and strange and that my problems were silly, still really haunt me.

Today, I don't think I have much in the way of OCD, but I can relate to your social anxiety thoughts of constantly questioning what people think of you after you meet them. It can be really hard to see what's real and what's not when your mind is always at war with you.

I hope the support group helps you a lot. Where did you find them? It is something I hadn't even considered, but sounds helpful.