feeling guilty

[user9463728]

im just gonna get straight to the point. almost 2 years ago i became "obsessed" with blindness. im aware of how ridiculous it sounds. it got to the point where i would spend hours a day researching just about everything about blindness. i decided i wanted to be blind. at the time i recognised that what i wanted to do was stupid but nothing could stop me. i made up my mind.

i began trying to harm my own eyesight. i then told my parents "i had a black dot in my eye" and was taken in for eye scans. they said they could see macular damage on the scan and they even mentioned "we don't know whether this damage will progressively get worse or not." my parents were freaking out and couldn't sleep. i was so happy that this was going somewhere and "i might finally be blind." i didnt realise the stress i put my parents through for something so small.

i had many doctors appointments and cost my parents a lot of money. in the end, the doctor diagnosed me with some eye condition that i know isnt what i have. about a month after looking at the sun, i woke up one day and wondered what that was all about. i felt absolutely zero urges to be blind anymore. i was back to normal. its strange because the obsession was so so bad to the point where i was absolutely delusional. but oh, i woke up the next day and boom im fine again. i havent felt any urges to be blind or anything since then.

however, ive been feeling so guilty. i want to apologise to my parents for the stress i put them through and i want to tell them everything. ive been getting straight a's and my parents have been so proud of me lately. ive gotten to the point where i cant be around them without the urge to cry. i went out with my mum today. we got food and drinks and she bought me a keyring. ive been crying all night. how can i just accept all this knowing what i did? its not just this instance too. last year i had similar urges and harmed myself. i was totally delusional. when i get "obsessed" with things i just cant think straight.

i want to tell my parents soon. do you think i should? will they still trust me?is there something wrong with me? my parents are the only people i really care about and i dont want them to think of me differently.

[user9463728]

my mums mum has ocd. so my grandma. according to my mum, she tends to wash her hands a lot and is fearful of germs. i mentioned once to my mum, "i think i have ocd." in a kind of jokingly manner. she just said laughing, "i'm sure you don't." i don't really have physical symptoms much, so i understand why she would say that. anyways, at the moment i feel perfectly fine so i just plan to wait out until the next sort of "obsession" hits and ill decide if its bearable or not.

just wondering, can symptoms change overtime? because when i was younger i seemed to get more "if i dont do this something bad will happen." i don't get that anymore. oh and is a fear of being watched a symptom of ocd? i cant shower unless the clock in my bathroom is flipped and ive checked everywhere for cameras lol. i check the lock on the bathroom door is locked a few times till im comfortable. also during the shower, i repeatedly check under the bathroom door.

[geoff]

Hello User, parents don't want to admit that one of their children has OCD, especially if it's been in the family and just because you don't have physical conditions doesn't necessarily mean that you don't have OCD, simply because you may do them when no one is watching you.

Doing an obsession seems to calm our anxiety, it's when you don't do it that increases our need to do it, and to us it is bearable and we do these habits as part of our daily routine.

For me, my symptoms were extremely bad as a young kid and yes, they do change as you grow older, but being young the fear that if we don't do them, then something really bad will happen, but over time this seems to mellow, but there is a fear of being watched, only because people will wonder why it has to be done and may call you names etc.

What you have mentioned, although I'm not a doctor, are OCD habits as similar obsessions/compulsions also happened to me.

If your parents don't believe you have it, then ask them to take you to the doctor to say whether or not they believe you have it, but write down exactly what you've said here and give it to your doctor to say.

I truly understand how you are feeling and you have my full sympathy.

Geoff.

[user9463728]

im still feeling okay at the moment so i still plan to mention ocd again when it gets worse. should i show them this thread? and what were all the obsessions and compulsions you had?

[geoff]

Hello User, if you can print this off so you can show them, then it's a good suggestion.

If you do have OCD, then you can't wait until it gets worse, who is to know when this will happen, it's not necessarily a rule of thumb but can just happen, out of the blue and be triggered by anxiety.

When I was a young kid I had to swallow 100 times, if I was interrupted, then I'd have to start again, this was so exhausting so I changed it to something else.

At easter time I would grab every pair of shoes and place them in order in my bedroom, waiting for the bunny to come, that's when my Mum broke out in laughter as soon as she saw what I had done.

My obsessions/compulsions are so many I'd be here forever and they can change at a split second, but I'm sure many you do I also do.

Geoff.

[Petal22]

Hi user9463728,

I agree with Geoff please don’t wait until it gets worse before you mention it……….. act now learn what you can now so you can intervene with it……….. if it is OCD…….

I had OCD when I was a child I didn’t know what it was then…….. I would do certain things so harm wouldn’t come to my family as I grew older I’d check things over and over again to make sure they were locked, I’d say things over and over again, I’d check I’d turned the oven of over and over again, I’d repeatedly check power points were off……..

I didn’t realise what I had at this time

Then I had my first pregnancy and my anxiety flared up and along with it my OCD was unleashed and was at severe levels………..

I had no tools to intervene with it………

I was diagnosed with OCD at this time………….

After my second pregnancy my OCD was even more severe…….

This time a did Metacognitive Therapy this therapy gave me the tools I needed to master my OCD.

Im now recovered thanks the professional help I received and this therapy.

I have written two threads you may be interested in reading or show your parents

From someone who suffered OCD and recovered

Effective treatment for OCD Metacognitive Therapy

[user9463728]

thanks for letting me know. another question, is feeling guilty about everything and anything 24/7 a symptom? this whole day i've been feeling so guilty about the most random things. for example, if i lie about something so small like taking an extra cookie, i can't stop thinking about it and regretting lying. i also cant understand why i'm feeling so guilty, so i spend the whole day trying to understand why i'm feeling this way over something so minor. its actually excruciating. its making me feel sad too. i'm nervous because i'm getting my hair done in a few days and its expensive. i'm so worried that if i don't like the results i'm going to feel guilty about wasting money for so long. i'm worried the guilt might be so bad that i cant focus in class anymore. i'm actually scared and can't stop stressing over it.

[geoff]

Hello User, having OCD can make you worry so much unnecessarily, that's because the anxiety is so strong and even taking an extra cookie makes us worry that we may be caught and punished, whereas another person who doesn't have this illness, they say 'what's the big deal'.

I was no different, I hated having my hair done because after the cut, they place the mirror all around you and you're meant to say you like it, but as soon as I got home out came the scissors, now I cut my own hair.

I can completely understand how you feel and would be in the same position as you so I would invest in a hair curler, I know another expense, but this may overcome the problem, I'm not sure.

Take care.

Geoff.

[user9463728]

i dont hate getting my hair done though and i have a hair curler. im excited to get it done. im not worried about whether it turns out bad, im worried that if i get if it does, ill feel guilty for wasting their money. because its so much money i'm stressing that ill feel guilty for a long time if it turns out bad.

[user9463728]

thanks for telling me. only a week ago, i started doing something else repeatedly but only at school. we have hand sanitizer around the classrooms. everytime i feel odd or something ill get up and use the hand sanitizer repeatedly. ill sit down and if i still feel uncomfortable, ill get up and use it again. ill do this until it feels right. everyone just looks at me weird. is this a symptom?

[Petal22]

Hi user9463728,

Sometimes with OCD we feel the need to repeatedly do things…..

With therapy we can learn what keeps us in our OCD cycle and then learn to disengage from it.

I recommend if these behaviours are concerning you please talk to your parents and gp about them.

With OCD things that seem to be repetitive behaviour can feel ok to us when are anxiety isn’t at high levels but sometimes in life our anxiety can be triggered and then in turn our OCD can become worse at times.

I recommend intervention into it now if it is OCD that you have so in the future if it becomes worse you will know how to deal with it if needed.