feeling guilty

[user9463728]

im just gonna get straight to the point. almost 2 years ago i became "obsessed" with blindness. im aware of how ridiculous it sounds. it got to the point where i would spend hours a day researching just about everything about blindness. i decided i wanted to be blind. at the time i recognised that what i wanted to do was stupid but nothing could stop me. i made up my mind.

i began trying to harm my own eyesight. i then told my parents "i had a black dot in my eye" and was taken in for eye scans. they said they could see macular damage on the scan and they even mentioned "we don't know whether this damage will progressively get worse or not." my parents were freaking out and couldn't sleep. i was so happy that this was going somewhere and "i might finally be blind." i didnt realise the stress i put my parents through for something so small.

i had many doctors appointments and cost my parents a lot of money. in the end, the doctor diagnosed me with some eye condition that i know isnt what i have. about a month after looking at the sun, i woke up one day and wondered what that was all about. i felt absolutely zero urges to be blind anymore. i was back to normal. its strange because the obsession was so so bad to the point where i was absolutely delusional. but oh, i woke up the next day and boom im fine again. i havent felt any urges to be blind or anything since then.

however, ive been feeling so guilty. i want to apologise to my parents for the stress i put them through and i want to tell them everything. ive been getting straight a's and my parents have been so proud of me lately. ive gotten to the point where i cant be around them without the urge to cry. i went out with my mum today. we got food and drinks and she bought me a keyring. ive been crying all night. how can i just accept all this knowing what i did? its not just this instance too. last year i had similar urges and harmed myself. i was totally delusional. when i get "obsessed" with things i just cant think straight.

i want to tell my parents soon. do you think i should? will they still trust me?is there something wrong with me? my parents are the only people i really care about and i dont want them to think of me differently.

[geoff]

Hello User, and thanks for posting your comment.

I'm not a doctor as I don't qualify to make a comment, however, I can suggest to you that perhaps you could ask the doctor about OCD and whether this is the reason for this obsession.

If you google this as well as 'intrusive thoughts' it might explain some clarity why you have been doing this.

If the doctor recommends you see a psychologist they can help you with this illness, but ask them about the 'mental health plan', which allows Medicare to pay 10 sessions to visit a psych and please let us know how you feel.

Geoff.

[Petal22]

Hi user9463728,

Im sorry you are feeling this way.

I agree with Geoff, we aren’t doctors and can’t diagnose but please mention your behaviour to your gp and OCD.

Do you feel anxiety when you have these thoughts?

Have you thought about talking to your parents about the way you have been feeling? I’m sure they will want to help you.

[user9463728]

at the time i was a little anxious about wanting something so strange. but in the end the feeling of wanting to be blind was way too strong and i couldnt stop. im thinking of telling my parents today. im really stressed and worried they wont see me the same.

[quirkywords]

User

when I was at school many years ago , I had some hearing tests and I said I couldn’t hear anything when I could. I had lots more tests but they said my ears needed cleaning.
long story cut short, I caused my parents to spend money and worry, .

I wish I had told them but I felt guilty.

let us know how your parents reacted.

I am glad you could be honest and tell us your story.

[Petal22]

Ok, I understand this would be difficult for you……. I really do..

I think that it would be good for you to tell your parents maybe just explain to them what you have told us… I’m sure they will want to help you….ask them to book you into the gp and maybe discuss together how you have been feeling and your behaviour…..Please mention OCD to your parents and the gp…..

If it is OCD that you have ( only a clinical phycologist or psychiatrist can diagnose) then there is treatment available to you……..you can do a mental health plan with your gp as Geoff has mentioned.

I had severe anxiety OCD but I have now recovered from this condition thanks to the help I received from health professionals.

When I was going through OCD I’d have intrusive thoughts an example would be if I didn’t do something in particular like choose the correct coloured sock them something bad would happen to someone in my family….

Im always here if you want to chat more

[Petal22]

Just another thing 😊 your parents LOVE you and only want the best for you….

Please don’t carry this alone anymore it will help you to share it with your parents. ❤️

[user9463728]

i told my parents this afternoon. they said they didnt understand why im still worrying about something that happened a while ago. they also said that if i ever feel the need to do anything stupid again, to talk to them about it. im relieved. also you mentioned something about intrusive thoughts like if you don't do something then something bad would happen to someone. is it normal that i use to get those thoughts all the time a few years ago. i would think to myself, "if i dont check the lock once more, my family will get into a car accident." i thought it was normal. i dont get those thoughts anymore though. nowadays, i just keep getting badly obsessed with stupid things instead.

anyways, ive decided that whenever i start to feel myself wanting to do anything bad, ill tell my parents.

[Petal22]

Hi user9463728,

Thats fantastic news that you spoke to your parents… well done I understand how difficult this would have been for you.

I understand also your parents reaction by saying why are you still worrying about something that happened so long ago………..

but if it is OCD that you have I completely understand your worrying….. I also used to do this about things that happened a long time ago I would obsess over them, question them and analyse them, this is part of the OCD cycle.

In regards to the intrusive thoughts if we don’t do a certain thing then something bad will happen to someone……. Not everyone thinks this way and is compelled to do things so something bad won’t happen to someone…….. this is part of the OCD cycle…..

I think you have a great plan in place to tell your parents if there is something bad you feel you need to do……. You will tell them ……..

Also maybe have a chat to your parents about seeing your gp so you can talk about your behaviour with them….. please mention OCD

If it is OCD that you have it’s totally treatable !

You have done a fantastic job by reaching out to us on this forum I applaud you and your bravery.

Please know I’m always here if you want to chat

[geoff]

Hello User, trying to explain OCD to people who don't have it or even know about is certainly very difficult, because their reaction is 'why do you have to do it, nobody else in the family has it', well other people may be hiding it, just as I do.

If you can google this 'site to help explain OCD to parents' then ask your parents to read it or if you can print off some important information so they can read, or alternatively ask them to go to their doctor who will explain this illness.

You aren't alone here because those who have it, definitely understand.

Geoff.