Feeling a bit desperate and down...

[EmmaP]

Hi Everyone,

I was hoping some of you may have some wise words out there for me. I have posted a couple of times now, but to fill you in, I have diagnosed anxiety- specifically separation anxiety and general anxiety, and depression resulting from the anxiety. I am seeing my GP who has put me on a SNRI anti-depressant and I have been on this one for approximately a month now. I am also seeing a psychiatrist who I very much like and I have seen her twice now, and seeing her unfortunately at monthly intervals due to work (they won't let me go once a fortnight). She has given me relaxation and mindfulness techniques to do, and I try my best to eat a balanced diet and have started doing yoga at home three times a week. I found the relaxation techniques were working well for the mild anxiety.

However for the past three days I have been feeling very much down, hopeless, sad, constantly anxious, unable to concentrate, exhausted, achy, and have been suffering panic attacks several times a day. My mum and I aren't very close but she has been admitted to hospital for a month due to an unexplained illness where she has lost weight to an anorexic level. She has to be tube fed for a month through a tube in her nose. Also, my girlfriend of 5 months has recently gone through a lot of stress with her housing situation which in turn has put a lot of stress on me and a huge change of our long term plans to move to Melbourne (we have had to move it forward 6 months which is scary).

I am also struggling with obsessive thoughts once more and everything is seeming to make me anxious. Work is dull and my tasks seem impossible and I cannot concentrate at all! I am guilt tripping myself about feeling this way and cannot stop. I am beating myself up about me feeling down, that I shouldn't feel this way, that I'm a burden on my loved ones, that I am a hypochondriac, that I should be able to flick a switch and feel better, even though I know none of that is true deep down.

I am also having obsessive thoughts about my money situation and being broke, but at the same time I desperately want to spend it to feel better (never ending cycle!!!). All I have wanted to do is buy a pet fish, even though I don't have the spare money for a set up, and my house mate is funny about the extra electricity to run the filter/heater. But I'm obsessing about it!

Does anyone have any tips about how they deal with the depressive feelings, guilt and obsessive thoughts?? I'm really struggling.

[AGrace]

Hi Emma,

It sounds like you have done a lot of work regarding treatment of your condition, this is great. Im glad that some of the treatments have been working for you.

You've got some extra stressors to deal with at the moment. This could be contributing to your anxiety peaking.

Regarding your medication, this may not be having the full effect yet as it's only been 1 month. You could look at requesting some medication to take in small doses during the day to help alleviate the symptoms as they arise. Usually referred to as PRN medication, there are different varieties available. 

In terms of your Psychiatrist,  im glad you have found one you like. Will your work not give you time off or is it because they are paying the fees? If it's simply time off, they shouldn't have much control over this. It would be helpful, even if just for the short term, if you could see your Psychiatrist more frequently. Perhaps find out if s/he can see you outside of hours, or if you can see a Psychologist on alternate fortnights at a time that's more suitable. 

Is there something specific that scares you about postponing your plans to move to Melbourne?

It would be great to have a switch to flick but we don't. Is there any benefit to you beating yourself up over being unwell?  This type of shoulding & musting thinking has only proved, for me, to cause additional suffering. You have quite a bit going on at the moment, it's ok to feel overwhelmed. 

Your job doesn't seem to be very engaging, is there a way for you to request additional tasks? Doing mindfulness at work could help also. It doesn't need to be obvious. Be mindful of your breath for 5 mins, or mindfully eat a piece of fruit in between tasks to regain some focus.

I know what you mean about retail therapy. Every time I go into hospital I find myself online shopping. Sadly it's only a band aid solution, and can lead to financial worries. Maybe make shopping one of your pleasurable activities each week. Set aside a small amount of money to do this. Even $10 goes a long way in a $2 shop, and you'll get the same relief. Long term though, have you spoken with your Psychiatrist about these compulsive thoughts? Your Psychiatrist should be available to you by phone, outside of your appointments, so don't hesitate to call them.

If things are still difficult to manage try contacting Beyondblue by phone or webchat for additional advice. Im sure others in the community here will have suggestions too.

AGrace

[EmmaP]

Hi AGrace,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond with such kind words and wise advice. I really appreciate it.

Regarding the medication, my doctor said she might up my dosage when I see her in two weeks if I'm not feeling much relief, so I'll see what happens between now and then, but I'm thinking I might have to up the dose. As for the PRN I had never heard of them before and will definitely be asking her more information about those, they sound like a possible idea.

Regarding therapy, my work won't let me have that much time off work because we are a small office and apparently it affects the other employees when I am not here. My boss has been good about the first influx of appointments I had, but after that she hasn't been so accommodating. I think it is a general lack of understanding, and therefore empathy on mental illness, which is sad. I also get made to feel very guilty if I take off days or leave early when I am feeling mentally unwell, which doesn't help my anxiety situation at all. My boss thinks I'm just trying to have an 'early mark', even though I get all my work done before I leave and have everything in order. I might see if I can get my therapy sessions after hours or try to reason with my boss a bit more, because as you said right now I would benefit from it being more often.

Re: Melbourne, we had planned to move this time next year but now we are having to move in early January, which for me, moving to a new place so soon is quite daunting. My partner has family down there, but I am scared because I feel like I will have no one. I'm just trying to remind myself that I make friends very easily and should make some new ones quickly. Also the thought of the whole moving process is overwhelming me. But my partner is helping me write lists of everything we need to do and to take which is helping me plan and calm down some what.

I am going to start taking 5 minutes during the day when I am feeling stressed to do the mindfulness exercises and see if that makes a difference 🙂

I am going to mention the obsessive thinking again in therapy as I think I need more coping strategies to deal with it more. But the $2 shop idea is a great idea! I love our local one!

Thank you so much once more for all your support and wisdom, its much appreciated.

EmmaP