Fear of dying

[Anonymously_Me]

I have a massive fear of death since I was a kid, which has been weighing on me now that I’m an adult and the realization of inevitability. In the past few days it has gotten really bad though that I can’t actually breathe and start to hyperventilate and get dizzy. Because of the whole inevitability of it, that it’s not and if but when. And it deeply scares me that it will happen sometime, and I don’t know what I should do I know I should accept life as it is but just lately especially this year, I’m 23 and I just feel super old I know that’s young but it feels like each year keeps happening and I’m just scared and I don’t know how to cope with that because It’s causing me panic attacks.

[WorriedDad13]

Hi Anon

I am right there with you on this one. I’ve found a good way to get through the thoughts of this is to set myself goals, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly and 5 yearly goals. Not just small stuff either, big goals that I want to live my life by. So my big goals are work and money related, I want to advance in my job and I want to retire by the time I’m 40 (I’m 27 right now). I also set myself goals that are fun, so things that I want to experience I my life. It’s a lot easier to get through the thoughts when you feel like you’re living your life to the fullest and enjoying yourself. A few questions I have if you wish to answer are, do you have a job that challenges you? Do you have a partner? Do you get out and enjoy yourself? Do you have goals?

Hope this helps a bit,

Sean

[Anonymously_Me]

Thanks for the reply. The problem is that I'm not doing anything at the moment, and has been that way for the passed few months, so it's hard to distract my self from those thoughts.

I think I might go back on anti-depressants because I think I need to. I went off them because I thought that I was at the right state mentally but because I haven't been doing anything it's been spiraling down.

I've been looking for part-time work for about 4 months now every day and have just been getting rejections. In terms of having a partner I don't at the moment but My ex(who i was with for 3 years) is really supportive and we both have remained good friends and support each other with our problems. I used to get out and go to the local bar but I'm just not in the mood lately and because I don't have an income it makes it difficult to go out and have fun and even things like self-care because it all costs money.

I do have goals, and that's the problem too it that I just set unrealistic career goals for myself and I just don't feel like i'm good enough to pursue them.

[Doolhof]

Hi Anonymously Me,

re yo able to discuss how you feel with your Dr. ? Returning to taking medication may certainly help yo with our moods. It is tough when you feel like you are well and don't need the meds then decide to stop them. Hopefully you will have a smooth transition back onto your medication.

Are you in a position to try some volunteer work? I managed to land 3 jobs through volunteering. You get to learn new skills, meet people and in some instances have some of your expenses covered like transport and meals.

Does the local hotel have live music? You could treat yourself to one drink and enjoy the show, have a chat with random people and see what happens.

Goals don't have to be huge. Set a few simple ones to achieve over the next week and see how you get on. Acknowledging a sense of achievement, even in the small things is good.

Applying for work can be stressful. Hopefully something will come up for you soon!

Cheers from Dools

[Anonymously_Me]

The discussion with my doctor was originally- see how it goes and go back on it if I need to. I already do volunteer work 🙂 actually doing 2 volunteer jobs that have been doing for 4 years now. But because I don't have experience in customer service or hospitality It's been difficult because all the jobs require experience in those fields.

Yeah maybe I should go one day when it has live music rather than the dj because it's a bit more chilled. I get pretty self-conscious when going out though and can't chat to random people and sometime end up having to go to sit outside to breathe because I start to get a panic attack.

I'll try and set some small goals. Thanks for the reply 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Anon,

It sounds like you want to get into hospitality and customer service, is that right? I have no idea where you live of course, is it possible for you to ask for work experience somewhere so you can learnt these skills?

I volunteer in an Op Shop where they have both male and female volunteers and we all get to use the cash register if we want to and serve customers.

There are also a couple of food services where people are provided with meals, that would be customer service as well. One place is set up like a restaurant and is run by volunteers.

I sometimes chat to anyone! Not so much when I am with my husband though as he is a very private kind of guy and just walks away from me when I do that.

When you go grocery shopping, just say hello to the check out person. When in the pub, say Hi to the person next to you. Maybe look out for someone else who is sitting alone and give them a nod. Go and have your hair cut, hairdressers always seem to chat!

I sometimes go to the movies alone, or to a café, a pub for lunch. Taking a book along or having something to do on your phone helps not feel so lonely.

Small goals do help. Today I plan to clean up in the garden, do my exercises for my back, get some photos printed off for my parents and have a psych appointment an hour's drive away down the highway. I might read a bit from a self help book on depression as well. Or I may read a novel just for the pleasure of it.

Cheers to you from Dools

[Anonymously_Me]

I don't want to get into hospitality and customer service as a career it's more that those are the jobs that are part-time and wouldn't be too far away from where I live. There's salvos not too far away, maybe I'll see if I can get some work experience there?

I do try and practice conversing on people I already know but I should try more. And yeah I should do some exercise it's just hard to get the motivation to do anything at the moment and I've been sleeping way too much, but I'll try 🙂 thanks for the advice.

[Doolhof]

Hi Anonymously Me,

You may be able to Google volunteer positions in your area or contact the local council and ask if they can make some suggestions. The Salvos could be a good place to start. They may have all kinds of support as well.

Over sleeping is one way to cope with depression. Snuggling up in bed, hiding under the covers, letting the world get on without you does sound like a good idea, only problem is our mind and body get used to it and want to stay there longer and longer!

It is tough getting up and doing stuff. I am struggling with it myself today. I just want to go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. I know that will not be beneficial. I need to make different choices and push myself even if I don't feel like it.

Hope you manage to find something to do that you feel a connection with, where you can chat with people.

Don't know how you feel about being with the elderly, quite often homes are looking for people to just read the paper to the dears or chat with them, have a game of bingo or what ever.

Cheers from Dools

[Lou27]

Hello!

I have his fear too, but not all the time. I am able to rationalise my thoughts and come good. I did express my worries to a psychologist once and she told me that most people fear death because they aren’t living, just existing. I couldn’t agree with her more. When I’m stuck in a dull spot and feel down my anxiety creeps right up, but if I’m out living my best life then I don’t worry about it or even think about it.

When I was first dealing with these thoughts I would talk out loud to myself and tell myself these thoughts are not helpful, I’m not gaining anything from worrying about this. It was hard at first but it helped lots.

Fear is normal, but it’s not healthy to let it control you. And if this helps any: I work in the healthcare industry, all patients I’ve met faced with a terminal illness have come to terms with it and accepted it, same with the elderly, they come to know that’s the next step.

So try to get involved in something and keep your mind active, find what you love and become passionate about it! I’m sorry I don’t have the best advice but you’re not alone!

[Doolhof]

Hi Lou27,

Your advice makes great sense to me. Our depression and anxiety does often become worse when we have nothing to look forward to. If we have goals, expectations, plans and ideas, than our minds can concentrate on those things.

I have realised that quite often I feel "lost" during certain times in the day, so by organising to fill those times more meaningfully, I cope better.

I have heard it said too that the fear of death has a lot to do with the fear or confusion about how to live.

Working in the healthcare industry I am sure you see people in all different kinds of state.

Cheers to you from Dools