Downside of being intellegent and self-aware

[Bulus_Shabbaz]

I have a handful of diagnoses but this topic can apply to any condition. I tend to ramble, so I apologize in advance.

When I am well people seem to get the impression from me that I am a relatively intelligent and balanced person. I am articulate in my speech, and I have self-awareness and sense of humour to match. When I am generally sick, I am still very much like this externally, but people can tell something is off about me. However, when it comes to my friends and families attitude to my mental illnesses, I am often told that I am "too smart", and "too self-aware", to be acting and feeling how I claim to be. As if to say smart people can't be inflicted with mental illnesses, and if one is self-aware they by definition can not be sick. And so when I am raising a red flag that I am possible headed towards a meltdown or episode, I am often ignored and told to stop being dramatic. Fast forward to me walking down the street half-naked, putting pamphlets in peoples letterboxes with information about the Interdimensional Reptilian NWO, and when I am hauled off to the psych ward because of some better to be not mentioned incident, my family acts all shocked and will say something like "well that came out of nowhere", and "this is nonsense, you are too smart to be acting this way".

Of course, internally the torment of being intelligent and self-aware is that I very much introspective and self-analytical and I spend too much time in my head-space. I have an inner monologue and audio-commentary track that narrates my life and tells me a bunch of medical jargon when I am experiencing anxiety and depression. And when I speak to doctors and therapists I probably come across as pseudo-intellectual and pretentious, but they tell me I have a lot of insight and self-awareness which is something many people with my conditions don't have. But then I have met other people who do not have that insight and self-awareness and while I see how frustrating that is for their friends and family for them they often seem blissfully ignorant. This might sound weird, but I sometimes wish I could just turn off the switch in my head and have a day or two where I throw caution to the wind and just live.

[Tay100]

Hi Bulus Shabbaz

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I hear you, and I appreciate you reaching out for help and a bit guidance here- the forums are a great place for that.

Not having your feelings and experiences validated can be really disheartening, especially when people seem to make judgements based not on what you are telling them, but on preconceived notions, regardless if they are true or not.

Please know that your struggle is valid and you deserve help: being mentally sharp doesn't negate you for needing help with your mental health, those things don't cancel each other out! If you'd like help with the inner monologue you speak of, perhaps seeking some structured help could empower you to make it less intrusive and manageable, so you can just -live life- like you say you want too?

This doesn't have to involve a psych ward or family, if you feel like they won't understand you or will dismiss it. You could find a mental health service that is right for you. It can be a daunting process, so we could navigate it together if you like. Let me know, we are here. We know that your mental acuity and self awareness is an asset, but it doesn't make you less deserving, worthy, or not 'in need' of help for the parts of your mental health that are getting you down.

Sending kindness and understanding your way,

Tay100

[Bulus_Shabbaz]

Don't get me wrong my family do help in terms of taking me to my appointments and helping me out financially, but I guess they have a preconceived notion of what mental illness looks like. I feel in myself just taking me to my psychiatrist every few months and getting my injection is not really help with the day to day struggle. And my mental sharpness gives off the impression that I am more stable than I actually am.

[Tay100]

Hi Bulus Shabbaz

Thanks for the clarification, I hear you. Thanks for checking back in, it's always appreciated and we are here to listen. On the back of what you said about not coping with day to day struggle, seeking psychiatric help is important, but would you also like to brainstorm some day to day coping mechanisms? Things that can help you get through your everyday routine?

In terms of appearing better than you say you are because of you present yourself, I can relate, and you aren't alone in that. I'm articulate, bubbly and polite in real life (as I work with kids/young people, and I have to be), but sometimes things inside feel... flat. Wounded.

Do you want to chat more about it? It's great that your family are there for you-mine are a great support to me, too. Perhaps I can offer some little tips on how to help your trusted people understand that what they see and know about you doesn't necessarily indicate your internal struggles, and your sharp 'persona' can be a far cry from how you actually feel. It's up to you though. Always here to just listen, too.

Sending kindness,

Tay100