Didn't Think it Would Happen to Me.

[Curls92]

My life has been a journey, like everyone's, I've had struggles and successes and have made it passed them with lessons learnt. I've recently turned 21, and up till now, my life has kept on improving and building upwards. 

My life is a million times better than it was a year or four years ago. But alongside that, I have felt like I have been constantly battling some emotional barriers that have kept me from being content with the things I have right now. I know things are never perfect, but for a long time I have felt that I'm not happy with what I have, despite how far I have come in life.

For that past year I have been dating an amazing and beautiful guy who I just cannot love enough of. He is everything to me and I am completely in love with him. But since we have started to become serious about our life together, another side of me is just not happy with anything. He is the complete opposite to my ex-boyfriend who was abusive at times, I was only 17 then, and didn't know any better. My partner now is wonderful. He treats me with respect and kindness and with nothing but love. But I have come to the realisation that I have been blaming him for the things my ex had done to me. I started to feel jealously, resentment, anger, frustration, all these negative feelings towards my partner. I accuse him of things that he hasn't done and it has put strane on our relationship. I'm always alert when other girls are around and watch him to see if he looks at them. I'm always on my toes, never relaxed, and cant enjoy my present life.

Just a couple days ago, my partner and I were at a shopping center and I thought I saw him look at another girl. Instantly, I became so frustrated and angry I just walked away from him. As I was walking I saw one beautiful girl after another walk passed him and thought the same exact thoughts as before. I became so consumed in my thoughts that I started to breathe quicker and heavier, my hands started to become irritant, I couldn't keep still, I was walking quickly, and my head was just spinning dizzily out of control. I had to walk all the way back to the car just to breathe normally again. It had never happened to me before... Nothing like that anyway.

I started to research about it, and found that constant events can bring on anxiety. The constant event is me thinking my partner is always looking at other women, always thinking of other women, always trying to hide things from me... Exactly how my ex treated me. 

I don't know how to stop these beliefs. I don't want to believe them. I know my partner is nothing like my ex. Sometimes, I think that I will never be able to have a life long relationship because of the trust issues I have. 

My partner and I have talked about my issues and we have started to develop ways to overcome them. I know one day I will get through this. I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, and I can feel it in my heart that I will do everything to overcome it. I am seeking professional help to get through this. It's the fight within myself I have to use to get passed this negativity. 

People dont deserve to be punished for something someone else did to you, and I don't understand why we hurt the ones we love the most? I dont understand why we cant believe something when we know it's true? Maybe we just have to be children again and learn without question and teach without certainty to find truth through our choices? Maybe I just need a blank canvas ready for new beliefs? 

🙂