Debilitating social anxiety

[bellyk8]

I'm reaching out because i want to know if there's anyone that shares my level of social anxiety (to the point that it interferes with everyday life and has for years). I find it difficult to maintain eye contact with people that are talking to me, to the extent that i cannot fully focus on what they're saying to me because i'm so anxious + heavily focused on maintaining eye contact with them. I avoid social events at all cost (which means that i don't have much of a social life but i am introverted so that doesn't bother me heaps), if i have to go to them (family or work related event) i will dread it for days ahead of the event, if there is alcohol involved i use that as a bandaid effect to ease the severe discomfort i experience. If i find myself in a group setting with people or even going to the shops and see someone i know i will enter fight or flight mode and shut down mentally/physically, like i can't even function properly. There is so much more i can say but basically i am sick of feeling like i have to hide all the time and be severely distressed by things that any normal person would not be in their everyday life, and i shouldn't be in fight/flight mode over. I feel isolated at work because i don't actively engage with my coworkers (unless it is a work related question) to avoid the anxiety that comes with making small talk or banter (i'll avoid the lunch room and go out for a walk at lunch). I also used to wear sunglasses when working in an outdoor job often to avoid direct eye contact which made me feel much more at ease. I know all these coping mechanisms are not healthy, but i have been like this for years. I don't know what triggered the social anxiety, i was a shy person in school and only stuck to one or two friends, never groups of people. I understand that exposure therapy seems to be the only way out of SAD (i am medicated for anxiety however it doesn't seem to have an effect on my SAD), but i feel like at my age (33), being in the workforce and having a partner etc, it should have dissipated? I know rationally that there is nothing to fear from people talking to me but i can't help it. I should also note that my partner is pretty much the only person that i don't struggle / think about eye maintaining contact with. One psychologist asked if i thought i might be autistic, but i am fairly sure it is social anxiety. If anyone out there is going through the same thing please know you're not alone.

[_kj]

Hi bellyk8

I think I may share the same level of social anxiety as you do.

I have always been shy and socially anxious. I’ve struggled with eye contact, making friends, and initiating or just joining in with conversation. If I do join a conversation I think about it for weeks and pick apart every thing I said, and worry that it was taken the wrong way. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I’m so stressed about what people might have thought about me today, or three weeks ago, or what they will think of me tomorrow.

I can’t engage with shop staff anymore, I can’t make phone calls. My GP recommended me to try counselling, but I can’t even make the phone call to book an appointment

I barely talk to anyone at work. Sometimes I’m scared to take a shift at work because it means maybe going to a new location, I’m scared of running into someone I know. I can’t interact anymore with people I do know.

I go back and forth on what to say to people. I’d actually been thinking about contacting a friend over the last two days and had to read the message over and over to make sure it sounded ok. In the end I decided to just not send it.

One of the most recent interactions I had I couldn’t even speak. It was like there was a disconnect from my brain to my mouth, I was so embarrassed.

I can’t do things by myself and the things that I can do alone (like going to work, getting petrol, dropping into the shops) I’m scared I will slowly stop being able to do

I’m reaching the point where if my sister isn’t with me then I don’t think I can do whatever it is I need to do. She’s become a safety blanket and I’m panicked slightly when she isn’t around. And I feel awful about it because I am older, I should have it together. It’s like I’m putting extra stress on her.

I know it’s all so silly but I can’t stop my brain or body from feeling this way.

It feels like it really shouldn’t be this difficult

[therising]

Hi bellyk8

It's seriously tough, hey, when you can feel certain social challenges. While some challenges can be obvious, I've found other challenges can offer quite the surprising revelation when you  finally work out what they're really about. 

If I had to scrap the word 'anxiety' and pinpoint exact emotions, I'd say the words that can best describe what I feel would be 'dread', 'fear', 'tension', 'physical hyperactivity (within my nervous system and anything attached to it)', 'mental hyperactivity', 'stress' and the list goes on. I discovered a whole number of reasons for why these feelings or emotions exist

• While I thrive on fascinating conversations full of things worth imagining and wondering about, I absolutely dread small talk. I have virtually zero skills when it comes to small talk but I'm determined to develop some skills, through a bit of Googling/education and practice. I can relate to small talk as being extremely challenging at times
• Over stimulation of the senses is also relatable. Too much sound and/or too many sounds at large social gatherings tends to run through my nervous system. Visual over stimulation relates to that eye contact factor that you mention. I've heard it said somewhere before that intense eye contact, in the animal kingdom, tends to relate to intense attraction or threat. We're human animals so what can I say other than no wonder constant eye contact feels incredibly uncomfortable at times
• While it was simply accepted that I was a shy gal as a young kid, I was never led to 1)better understand why I was shy and 2)develop skills in overcoming my shyness, lack of confidence and lack of self understanding. I remained shy until I became a drinker in my late teens. I largely stopped drinking in my early to mid 30s. Without alcohol being there to ease the challenges I felt, the challenges returned big time. The shyness was still there, the lack of confidence and the lack of social skills, amongst other things

I'd have to say that 2 of the things that have made a difference to me over time are 1)accepting and embracing the fact I'm sensitive and 2)accepting the fact that practice makes perfect or close enough. So, with the first, yes I can sense sound through my nervous system. This is both a blessing and a curse at times. While I love feeling things like certain music and the sensations that come with ASMR (Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response) videos, my nervous system is definitely not a fan of certain types and amounts of sound. Sound is a form of energy that can be felt throughout the body. In regard to small talk, if we can sense the awkwardness that comes with it, we're definitely not the only ones who can sense this. Most sensitive people I know dread small talk and I take solace in this knowledge. Btw, I give myself full permission to not have to make 100% eye contact. Technically, there's no law saying we have to hold eye contact with someone. Unless a person knows my nature, I give someone the heads up that I'm not daydreaming when they're telling me a story, I'm simply visualising what they're telling me. Looking them directly in the eyes actually distracts me from going into my imagination and being able to see/imagine what they're talking about. To clearly imagine what someone's talking about is a skill, not a fault. So, you could actually say 'It's not my fault' (this reason for not maintaining eye contact).

With the practice part, practicing letting other people do a lot of the talking can be helpful. Practicing (during stressful situations) breathing hyperactivity out of our nervous system is not a bad thing to be practicing. Practicing observing people carefully is also a good thing. If we're constantly listening to our self talk, there's no time to observe what anyone else is saying or doing. Practicing reading body language is a social skill that can become quite fascinating and amusing at times. The list goes on when it comes to a number of things/skills we may never have been led to practice, which can help put us at ease a little more. I know, all easier said than done. The first step in developing a new practice is often the hardest step to take. It can feel terrifying at times.❤️

[Jayelle]

yes, I have similar anxiety to you. Am also now (more-so this year) struggling to go to work, due to that ‘dread’ feeling. Which in turn,  causes more anxiety about when I go to work after time off. I am middle-aged and still get embarrassed easily, like a teenager might. You are not alone.

[bellyk8]

yeah that's the problem i find, that avoidance only makes things worse unfortunately 😞 i work from home when i can because i'm more comfortable being in my own space for obvious reasons but i can't avoid the office forever. have you seen a psychologist or done any CBT? i know that i need to see someone, it's just expensive (even with mental health care plan!) and i have used up all of my free EAP sessions, but it just isn't enough to make a breakthrough or to make any real progress.

[Jayelle]

Have seen a psychologist in the past; it was good to just talk to someone who listened. Have just gotten another referral, but that psychologist is now working in a different field. Have tried to call the new one my go referred; without success. Just saw their prices for visits.. wow!(even with mental health care plan). I am actually in a very bad headspace atm. Don’t know how I am going to climb out of it.

[bellyk8]

if it's any consolation know you're not alone and that every day is a new opportunity to change things. i believe in us 🙂 i had a terrible day at work today, i feel like i can't do my job (most days) and i internally start to stress and panic, was very close to pulling the pin and quitting. but i don't want to feel like i've failed again at a job.. ugh. i went for a walk on my lunch break to try and calm my nervous system down. being out in nature is pretty much the only thing that makes me feel peace. i also went for a jog after work which helps regulate my mood. and enough sleep is important as well. 

[bellyk8]

sorry it took me so long to reply. i appreciate your response 🙂 i think you are doing really well considering that you are able to go to work with this level of anxiety. i also hate phone calls, but i can usually force myself to make them (though i find that if i know no one is listening it is much easier to make them). there are online psychology appointments you can make that i am fairly certain don't require a phone call, i would look into this. also i hate going to the shops alone and i usually will rely on my partner to come grocery shopping with me, there's no shame in this.. i find shops so overwhelming with all of the lights and noises and people and choices and directions to go in (i get lost in them all the time haha). i wish i could offer some more advice / help, and we could help each other. i think it's identifying the root cause of the anxiety (i think mine is self doubt) and then working on the inner self talk to change the thoughts in our brain which in turn change our feelings. i think i have a very long way to go (i feel like i need to dedicate myself full-time to therapy), but i sure as hell don't want to stay how i am.

[bellyk8]

thanks so much for your comment 🙂 i did read over it and have been meaning to reply. i'm proud of myself somewhat as over the weekend i convinced myself to attend my partner's nephew's 3rd birthday party (really didn't want to go and was back/forth in my head about it), which was basically a huge family event with 17 kids in a big hall (and no alcohol). i was visibly anxious when everyone arrived and largely avoided approaching people for conversation (stuck to my partner / his mum), i could barely speak or think rationally. over time i found that my nervousness eased somewhat. the whole time i was thinking why am i afraid of these people talking to me, they are just people like me. it is so irrational. 

[therising]

Hi bellyk8

I have a tendency to analyse the hell out of certain challenges I face, so as to find a little more heaven on earth (aka 'peace' and 'greater self understanding'). Social situations are definitely the types of events I analyse in detail. I've come to realise

• My imagination can be a factor. If I imagine people are going to think I'm boring or strange or something else, that's one thing. If I imagine my inability to cope and what that looks like, ahead of an event, that's another. There's a need to manage and master the imagination.
• My ability to feel what my nervous system is doing can be another one. There's a need to manage and master 1)being able to feel it constructively and 2)getting it to do what I need or want it to do
• Inner dialogue can be a mongrel. There can be a need to manage and master this too
• Dealing with energy. This one's an interesting one. While sight relates to radiant energy/light, some people are sensitive to a certain amount or type of visual stimulant. Some may be sensitive to smell or taste, which involves detecting chemical energy. Some may be sensitive to certain sound waves or frequencies. Then there's a sense of touch or the transference of energy, which can help explain why the closer a person comes to us, the more uncomfortable we can feel. If science dictates we each have an energy field, we don't have to actually physically touch to be able to feel another person. There can be a need to manage and master working with energy. A very simple example could involve a calming perfume or cologne sprayed on the wrists before a social event. This way we have access to our wrists throughout the event (some aromatherapy or 'smell therapy'), to help calm our nervous system and/or act as a welcomed distraction. If we're a highly sensitive person, we can be highly sensitive to more than one form of energy. Btw, keep in mind that our imagination, nervous system and inner dialogue can generate a lot of energy too. External and internal energy can double a challenge

Whether we're a soulful type who can't help but feel high vibey situations or a scientific type who can feel the energy of our cells vibrating with high frequency and volume, either way social situations (high energy situations) are going to test us. With 17 kids at an event, that is a heck of a lot of energy in one place. Kids are such energetic creatures 😁