Dealing with wounded inner child

[FeveredDream]

Hello. I'm not sure if this is the right place for this but I struggle with anxiety and depression and I feel like it is rooted to a wounded inner child. It has even caused me to not be able to face people. Ive tried talking to therapists, counsellors and even psychiatrists but it pretty much feels like they all just want me to take meds and suck it up. Ive been doing that and while I do feel better, the problem is still there waiting for some poor unfortunate soul to trigger me which will cause me to lash out and subsequently chide myself for the rest of the year because of that one incident. How do you guys deal with it? I feel so alone.

Mary

[Fiatlux]

Hi Mary,

I have complex PTSD from childhood abuse and trauma and I have to say that the abuse continues with my abusive narcissistic husband. I’m in my 50’s and I still get triggered by things my sons say to me. Awful things like, “you and dad, never cared about us”. That absolutely breaks me. 

Only last night I had a massive screaming match with my oldest son. I was trying to get a point across to him and he started screaming at me at the top of his lungs. The more I pleaded for him to stop, the louder he got. I was left a trembling mess. And all he could say is, “look at you, shaking and crying”. I couldn’t believe his lack of empathy for me. I asked him to leave me alone as I retreated from him but he continued coming towards me, screaming, as if he enjoyed seeing me cowering. Then he turns to me and says that I am too sensitive. I just thought for “f*** sake” why is he doing this and getting pleasure from it.

Whenever I have tried to confide in him, he says things like, well I didn’t know that, did I. You never tell me anything. But when I do try to tell him about my trauma, he shouts me down and shuts me down, like he did last night. 

I explained to my son, when my father passed away in 2011, my mother had a lot to get off her chest and I allowed her to vent. I listened to her trauma and I empathised with her and comforted her, rather than shutting her up. I knew my father was often abusive towards her and us kids as well. I told my mother that I know and I knew. I remember the violent incidents. I told her that I remembered that she had suffered through DV and I didn’t blame her for lack of grief when my father passed away. 

Both my parents were narcissistic in many but different ways. Each had their flaws and were capable of extreme cruelty. I never ever felt loved by them.

I have told my children that since they are unable to listen to me speak my truth, that I will put it in writing for them and it will be up to them whether they want to read my life story. 

When I was diagnosed with complex ptsd, I told my children but I don’t think they really listened. They often claim that I have never told them or that because I mask my mental health issues or have been on medication, I must have recovered or that the diagnosis was wrong.

I have been very good at hiding my trauma from others. What I learnt from last night, is that I will never ever tell them, my sons anything ever again.

Take care Mary and all the best. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Sophief25]

I feel the same way but i can't trust therapist and therapy because getting forced to go when I was a little younger from family services I only know how to deal with myself but I am a danger to myself that's why I look for people but I'm so alone I've lost everyone all my friends everyone but I still keep going and I just don't know why 

[therising]

Hi Mary

Not sure if you're much of a reader but I've found a brilliant book to be 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Catto poses that while the inner child can be just one facet that can go toward making up the whole of who we are, he speaks of many other facets that can either lead us to suffer or thrive. Coming to better understand them, how they come to life (under what circumstances), and knowing how they sound (in the way of inner dialogue) and how they feel are just a small part of managing them. The inner critic, inner sage, inner child, inner analyst, inner saboteur, inner stresser, inner people pleaser, inner adventurer and inner pessimist or optimist are just a handful of the many facets.

While I used to consider the intolerant part of myself as one of my 'inner demons', I've come to see it very differently over time. At it's worst, it can come to life with a fury but only when I'm furious. I used to meet with it when I'd reach peak levels of suppression and peak levels of tolerance. With suppression, if you push all your emotions down often enough, eventually anger can start to rise as a consequence. It can rise and rise and rise until some part of us comes to life, screaming in our head 'ENOUGH!!! Do not take this (behaviour from that person) any longer!', then it all comes out. What can come out is our truth. How it comes out is another story. It can come out with a tsunami of emotion, while venting the things we've been wanting to say for so long. Then, afterwards, the people pleaser in us can come back to life with 'What have you done? You're a terrible person. How could you have said all those things? You should feel really bad. You need to apologise. Now, go and please that person and plead for their forgiveness'. While that person could be incredibly depressing, unbelievably critical of us, mind altering in the way of leading us to a soul destroying form of self hatred, we may still go and apologise because the people pleaser in us insists.

I smile when I say that if I gave a voice to the intolerant part of me, under such circumstances it would roll its eyes, shake it's head in disbelief and smack it's forehead in frustration while saying 'I led you to stand up for yourself for once. I led you to be truly upstanding. I led you to come to life with the fury you needed and you've just thrown it all in the toilet with an apology'. If the intolerant part of our self resembles a fire breathing dragon at times, it can be seen as the protector of our inner child, as opposed to the worst part of us or something to be ashamed of or apologise for. Again, given a voice, I imagine it saying 'If you burn this child once again, I will burn you with my fury. At the very least, I will burn the bridge that connects you do them, the boundary you continue to cross'. Sometimes it can be less about suppression and more about 'How to tame your dragon?'. This includes waking it up when need be.