D.A.

[D-A]

Hi, my name is Darryl. My wife experiences anxious thoughts ie. all or nothing thinking, negative final outcomes from singular event or difference of opinion etc. I find myself becoming frustrated and sometimes angry when resolving issues because my wife needs to dissect the current issue which often leads to revisiting previous issues claiming those were never fully dealt with. I believe the previous issues were dealt with, an argument ensues and the current issue gets lost in fallout. 

Perhaps its me that is suffering anxiety. After 30yrs of marriage I am struggling to find the strength to resolve issues the way my wife needs to. 

Our current issue, being an indiscretion of mine, has triggered her anxious thoughts. I am extremely sorry for what I did and I have taken full responsibility for that. However, we cant move on from this without revisiting the past, which now includes issues I was unaware of. 

I need help finding a way to manage issues in a way that satisfies the needs of my wife without me becoming frustrated and angry.

[Croix]

Dear Darryl~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum, it's a good move as if you look around I'm sure you will find how other people have coped wiht similar situations.

I guess on reading your post three things occur to me. As a person myself with an anxiety conditon your wife's anxious thoughts, retracing events and so on all sound very familiar, and was similar to how I was prior to medical assistance, which has in fact left me in a much better place.

If a person relies upon logic I'm sure there will become frustrated when what appear to be reasonable positions do no good and the anxious behavior continues. Then again anxiety is not logical.

So far I'd have said that if your wife were willing to seek medical assistance things might improve. Also that repetition of the past is not necessarily a criticism or reflection on anything, but the condition.

Now I've left this to last as it may be unpalatable. You mention you made an indiscretion, and I'd have to admit that does happen for many. While you do not say what it was it is obviosly something that has made matters worse. In fact if a person has an anxiety contrition this may produce an even more extreme effect than you might expect and be the last thing that is needed

The most common indiscretion I guess is one that breaks trust - for whatever reason. If I'm on completely the wrong track I apologize. If in fact trust is broken it can be very hard to rebuild, even if both parties wish it, and words are not enough

May I ask what ideas do you have to try to rebuild that trust?

I hope you come back and talk some more

Croix

[tranzcrybe]

Your enemy here may not be your wife but self-perceptions arising from your being put under the microscope - something similar to that unwanted or uncannily timed tax audit- where every last skerrick of your tawdry past is exhumed and scrutinised only to find you claimed twice for shoelaces...

Okay, you made a mistake, have apologised, and long to move on and away from any further probing and throttling. But for the anxious person there will remain loose ends that needs be tied and it's not always about the severity of the travesty; and although your wife seeks clarity to the Nth degree, she may never find closure as it is the process more than the outcome that takes precedence - hence reason, justification, arguing, or even profuse apology will have little impact.
And this is where you might be beating yourself up needlessly.

30 years of marriage means you have seen your fair share of tough times, so why only now is your resolve failing? Show your wife she is being heard and allow the Inquisition - despite your discomfort - to proceed at her discretion. Your reassurance and acceptance of whatever comes your way may also help you (both) contextualise any indiscretion as perhaps you are being a little too keen to sweep things under the rug on this occasion?

Of course, we all understand that an apology must be felt if its words are to truly resonate, and you may find some soul searching and reflection beneficial to at least offer solidarity with your wife's suffering - the pain we cause others from our thoughtlessness is always hardest to acknowledge and reconcile.

If handled sensitively, the experience should bring you closer together, and that ideally is your primary focus in 'managing issues' for the good of all concerned.

[therising]

Hi Darryl

Definitely a challenge being married to someone who's part analyst and part feeler (someone who feels what they're analysing). My husband would be able to relate, as I'm this kind of person in our relationship. If it's of any help, the only way I can think to describe this kind of process...

Say you're facing an emotional situation when it comes to something your spouse's said or did. You're feeling upset so you start to analyse why you're feeling the upset. Suddenly it makes perfect sense but...hold on...it relates to something else that happened some time back so you start to analyse and feel that too. You raise the issue with your spouse not so much as an accusation but a revelation (Eg: 'You were self serving and never really felt for me in that case too'). If you feel the deep need to address this with your spouse, you may raise it as another issue worth addressing. A whole highly charged conversation can come about based on a lot of puzzling/triggering behaviours in the past that you're suddenly waking up to. The thing about puzzles is...you naturally start to analyse each individual piece before gaining an overall picture.

While a 'puzzle solver' can be good at gaining an overall picture, it can definitely be a highly triggering process for the other person or people involved in that emotional analysis. All I can say is it pays to wonder. Wondering with that person who's looking for resolution will always lead me to become more conscious. Whether I've been led by another to see how I've always let them down under specific circumstances and how that led them to feel or being led to wonder why I'm so dysfunctional in some ways has been an eye opener and has led me to change my ways. Always painful to hear and feel what comes with such confronting revelations.

While it's not a criticism (just purely an observation) when my husband doesn't want to feel how certain conversations lead him to feel, he often shuts them down or walks away. I'm left to feel and face the mental and emotional challenges on my own. Can be a lonely experience at times. If he faces the challenges with me, in order to make greater sense of them, it fast tracks things. Much faster to make sense of things together.