crushing expectations of myself

[june_03]

Hi

for as long as I can remember I have had very high standards of myself. It is a quality I admire but it also ruins my life. I'm still in high school but I feel like I never got to be young because I stress so much and have so much anxiety over being responsible and a 'good kid'. I physically cannot deal with failing at things. If I get 100% on a test I do not feel excited, I only feel relief. I struggle to play sports because I have this need to always be good at it and I can't handle being bad at something. Nothing I do is ever good enough for me. I have a very supportive network of people so that's not an issue. it's just so engrained in me to perform well. and i feel as though I have set an expectation of being at the top that I'm afraid to fail. Even at work I can't relax because I'm so scared that I'll mess something up. My psychologist always says that I have exceedingly high expectations of myself and well she's right. The bar I have set is always impossible for me to reach. I just want to be okay with failure. I put my all into everything and it's exhausting. If I had to I'd study until I drop and I dont think that's okay.

Anyway I just want to know how I can live more freely. I feel like I'm holding myself back and hurting myself. any tips on how to survive highschool with this mindset. Or anyone struggle with the same thing? 

-june 

[Sophie_M]

Hello june_03.

It is truly lovely to have you with us on the forums, we have really appreciated your contributions so far! It is certainly wonderful for you to offer us a chance to repay some of the attention. 

I think, no matter how far into life we get, most of us can look back on a period of our lives (and High School and Uni are almost certain to be it) where the 'Perfectionist' / 'Overachiever' anxiety was absolutely flooring us. So many of us can relate to what you are going through, and all of us who are a little further in life than you can feel the sadness of something that we missed out on experiencing because we could not allow ourselves to 'suck at it' before we got good at it... 😕

It can be really hard sometimes to pinpoint the moment when we first felt like we had to prove we were good enough, or began to fear that we would lose people if we were not 'up to standard' but it certainly sounds like your Anxiety is using that to be cruel to you, june... we are so sorry to hear. If we may offer something interesting to think about...?  Monet. The Artist.
At first Monet was shunned by certain of his instructors, because his colours where a slight shift in the spectrum away from normal - too vibrant, purplish hues, too vivid and intense - but the public loved it and more so overtime - captivated by those same hyper-vibrant scenes. No one could figure out how or why he did it - what the inspiration was.....
Monet had cataract damaged eyes - He was actually painting the world EXACTLY as he saw it - with just a little too much Ultraviolet light. Sometimes, 'failure and imperfection' is the very thing that creates beauty. We will always been too much for someone, and not enough for someone else - but your only task is to be whole in you 🙂

Don't hesitate to reach out if you need us, june! call us on 1300 22 4636, or click here to webchat. Please be in touch anytime!

Regards,

Sophie M.
 

[geoff]

Hello june, although I'm not a doctor, I wonder whether OCD has been mentioned to you, and if it hasn't then I wonder whether your could search this in your browser  and see whether or not you can identify with it.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Beeee]

Hi June_03,

Thank you for sharing. I really resonated with everything you said as I too am someone with very high expectations of myself. 

In high school, my impossible standards led to me constantly procrastinating and never putting any effort into my work because if I never tried then got a bad mark - it wouldn't be a true reflection of me. In uni, I finally realised how bad of a mindset that was and actually started to work hard on my studies. But this then led to me unhealthily prioritising academics over everything else, even my own wellbeing.

Something that has been helping me is trying to focus on the positives, instead of the negatives. Every night, I write down a few positive things from that day, even small things like waking up early or finishing some homework. This has been helping shift my focus. And even if something doesn't work out the way I wanted it to, or I do fail at something, I can always reflect on the much larger list of positives. 

Also a question you might ask yourself is, what is the worst that will happen if I fail? You will fix your mistake, you will learn from it and you will continue living. 

I hope this helps and that you're doing well, 

Beeee

[sbella02]

June_03,

Firstly, welcome to the forums, and thank you for opening up in your post. I resonate with your words so much, as a fellow perfectionist. I've long struggled with setting unrealistically high expectations of myself. I would love to say that my perfectionist tendencies have subdued in recent years since starting uni, but in all honesty I still feel that sinking feeling of dread every time I receive a grade back that does not meet my expectations. 

I would firstly, if you can, try to identify what your expectations are. Are they academically-orientated? Are they social or relationship-based? Work-based? I would also try (once again, if you can) to identify why it's so important to you that your high expectations are met. Is it because you feel it will bring you joy to exceed them? Or perhaps you feel it will give you more opportunities in some way? I often find that trying to understand why I place so much emphasis on certain achievements can help me come to terms with why I may be setting unrealistically high expectations for myself, which can be useful information if you're seeking a way to change this mindset. 

Beeee has also given some great advice around focusing on the positive aspects of your achievements. This certainly does help with shifting your focus.

I hope this is helpful advice. As always, please feel free to chat with us some more. 🙂

All the best, SB

[Venice]

Hi June,

I am experiencing the same thing as you, although I am in University now, it has never changed. Over the last year I have just got out of an abusive relationship which had made my grades fall a fair bit- to the point of failing. In turn, I felt like a failure myself and even now I struggle with failure. The anxiety that comes with it is over bearing and down right depressing. 

My advise is live your best life. Keep doing things to your best ability and keep going. Try not to let the little 'failures' get in your way for the bigger future, you have so much more to you than your study. 

I was going to quit my University degree and start something better, however in June this year, after a year and a half of failing every single assignment, I am getting my grades back up, and I am trying not to let my anxiety of failing lead me to failure again. 

[Petal22]

Hi June 03,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it would be exhausting.

Sometimes we can be conditioned from a early age in regards to how we think.

You are your own person and you have the power to change your thinking to a way you want it to be.

We really can change our mindsets but it takes inner work and practice.

You could try to adjust your reactions to the way your reality is, in turn this will also give you a more calmer place from within.

You could have a test and not get the highest result but you can learn to be ok with that.

Speak positively to your self because this will give you confidence and happier emotions.

I learned that nothing in life is one hundred percent certain I use to struggle with this concept but then I learned that that’s ok I accepted it.

If you can learn to be accepting of certain things in life then you will become calmer from within.

Please feel free to come back to us.

[ecomama]

Hey june_03 and a wave to others reading. 

It's fine for the Psych to note what you know about yourself already. 
Have they provided with you any strategies to help change your thinking? 

All of you writing here that say you're struggling with same perfectionism are REALLY intelligent people, so here goes.... 

The "feedback loops" in your brains (mine too once upon a nightmare lol)... have been reinforced by the repeat thoughts you have. 
These feedback loops CAN be broken! 

Instating NEW thinking & reinforcing those (a million times a day, see I DO know lol) will support "synaptic pruning". 
It's exactly how it sounds. 
The synapses in our brains will PRUNE away that old, harmful feedback loops IF you practice your NEW thoughts. On repeat. More. Repeat again, until the others fade away. 

Some Researchers / studies you can delve into and USE are: 

* Dr Joe Dispenza's "Rewiring Your Brain" - yep exactly! YouTube is your friend here + his books on this topic are BRILLIANT. 
* Brene Brown's "The gifts of Imperfection". She's been a strapped up perfectionist also. 8y of therapy I think... 
* Richard Carlson's "Don't Sweat the small Stuff and it's ALL small stuff". Started buying his works decades ago, have a 366 day calendar of his on my desk at work! Great reminders there. 

It takes intentional & constant work but it's sooo worth it for your mental and physical health in the long run. 

Best wishes
EM

[Baileysmells]

Hey, being ‘young’ is a construct. Missing a certain stretch in life just means we can pick that up later :). Life isn’t a race we all have our own story, the best we can do is to stay present; comparison is the greatest thief of our self esteem.

hope that at least opens up a thought