Coping with an anxious child

[JimBob33]

I have a young daughter (6) who struggles with severe anxiety. It’s gradually getting worse, and I feel like we all walk on eggshells every day. We don’t get through a day without at least one meltdown. 

I started therapy mid year to help me cope (particularly in my responses to her when she is melting down), in addition to her seeing a psychologist. Unfortunately she hasn’t had many sessions due to psychologist being sick or needing to reschedule, so I don’t think we’ve seen much benefit there. 

I don’t know what I’m after… maybe just to vent? Or strategies to help?

I’m just so exhausted. Every day is such a battle… to get dressed, to leave the house, to try and enjoy a family activity. The list is endless. Her anxiety also manifests as physical symptoms and she constantly complains of being hurt/feeling sore/wanting medicine to make her feel better. 

She has no other diagnosis except anxiety. There are definitely sensory issues, but the health professionals we’ve seen have only given the anxiety diagnosis with various elements thrown into the mix. 

I feel sorry for our eldest, who is also dealing with this. He misses out on fun activities because of how she is, though we do try and do a lot of 1:1 with him as well. He’s also a very sensitive kid, so when she’s melting down and hysterical, it definitely affects him negatively. 

She panics about everything. It used to be limited to a few select issues, but it’s progressing out to almost anything. Commencing school this year was possibly the worst period of our lives, and I genuinely don’t know how we survived. She was doing well once in a routine etc, but now school has ended, her anxiety has peaked. School holidays should be relaxing and fun, except ours are filled with meltdowns, hysteria and tension. 

I guess I’m just feeling overwhelmed. Exhausted. Angry that this is our situation. Devastated I can’t do anything to help. Frustrated. Depleted. The list goes on! I’m not sure where to go from here. I will resume seeing my own psychologist who is lovely, and we do seek help from those around us when we need… but it doesn’t change the reality of how tough this current situation is. 

[indigo22]

Hi JimBob33,

Welcome and thank you for reaching out to us.

I can feel your frustration in your words and I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

Your daughter is very young to be suffering from anxiety, have you had any second opinions as to the cause?

Is there anything obvious that you could recognise as a trigger (or triggers) when these episodes happen?

It sounds a lot like this is related to nervous system dysfunction, that she is in a near constant state of 'fight or flight' and is reacting to external stimuli.

Has there been any type of trauma in her previous years that might have started this? Or has she always been this way? When I talk about trauma, it does not have to be a huge thing, for little kids falling off a bike can be traumatic. Going to the hospital or the dentist can be traumatic depending on the child. So if she hasn't always been this way, can you think of anything that she experienced around the time that the behaviour started?

If you are not finding the psychologist she is going to helpful, try looking for another. The Kid's Helpline may be helpful in giving you some additional supports in your area and may also be able to help you locate other suitable psychologists in your area. They are available 24/7 on 1800 55 1800.

You know your daughter better than anyone so if you feel there is more to this than anxiety, you owe it to her and yourself to look deeper and get another opinion.

I hope this is of some help and I will be here if you would like to talk more.

Take care,

indigo

[blondguy]

Hello Jimbob33

Welcome to the forums and for having the courage to post too!

indigo22 mentioned "Your daughter is very young to be experiencing anxiety'' You mentioned 'severe anxiety' which is uncommon yet usually becomes a chronic issue between 17 to 24 years of age.

Can I ask what you meant with this comment (if that's okay) " the health professionals we’ve seen have only given the anxiety diagnosis with various elements thrown into the mix" 

I can feel the pain you are going through...The questions are only so we can provide more effective support in regard to your daughter.

The forums are a judgement free place for you. We hope we can provide some helpful support 

Thankyou Jimbob for being a part of the forums

We are listening...

My kindest always

Paul

[therising]

Hi JimBob33

indigo offers a lot of great ideas when it comes to your quest for clues, revelations and solutions. Is there more at play than simply anxiety? Is it time for a 2nd opinion? Btw, I'm glad you're seeing someone to help guide you through this, personally. Every great guide (parent) needs a guide of their own at times. After all, how are we meant to know what to do when we've never faced such an enormous challenge before?

It's the nature of any great quest to hold a lot of questions. As a mum to a 19yo son and 22yo daughter who both struggle at times with their natures, I can tell you the questionnaires involved in an autism spectrum and a ADHD spectrum diagnosis are massively extensive, with anxiety being just a part of these questionnaires. The sections on anxiety involve some of the puzzle pieces when it comes to the overall puzzle or bigger picture. 

Both my kids never specifically went looking for labels, they simply needed to know why they were struggling so much. I should add, both diagnoses were gained only within the last couple of years. While the questionnaires involved will look for the strengths in a person, they will also question the challenges that person faces. Some of those challenges can be felt through the nervous system as hyperactivity. So, not just a bit of activity happening in that system but hyper amounts of activity that can be stressful or distressing. Even something as simple as sensitivity to certain materials/clothing can felt  as overwhelming. Certain sounds or an environment with a lot of sound can feel incredibly distressing. A lack of solid structure can feel disorienting and upsetting in some ways. While school offers a structured time line, no structure (holidays) can be stressful for some kids, especially ones who thrive on a sense of structure.

I found the questionnaires my kids filled out to be very revealing. I had no idea they struggled with certain challenges until those challenges came into question. They weren't even fully conscious of some of the challenges they faced. The questionnaires brought a lot to light. When things are brought to light, we can find our self less in the dark. As indigo suggests, could it be time for a 2nd opinion (from someone who may begin to bring a lot more into question)?

[JimBob33]

Thank you for your reply 😊

I just realised my post was missing some significant details, so I’ll just provide a bit of background: 

She does have associated trauma from related physical conditions; chronic constipation and overactive bladder. These conditions saw her hospitalised at various times, and one particular hospitalisation was incredibly traumatic, where she had to be held down forcefully to have an enema administered. It was a horrible situation that should never have happened the way it did, and it obviously has stayed with her. She was also due for multiple blood tests around this time which obviously heightened everything she was already feeling. 

I believe the anxiety did coincide when her constipation first started occurring, however she was showing some signs of anxiety prior to this. 

We have seen two psychologists, and she was also assessed by early intervention services. As well as two paediatricians, and a gastroenterologist.

The general consensus from the psychologists/paediatrician is that her diagnosis is anxiety, however she does have obvious sensory issues. We have discussed autism, however none of the health professionals believe she is autistic, as she presents quite well at these appointments as well as what information we have provided; she is a very bubbly, social child when feeling comfortable, makes friends easily, good sense of humour etc. She does well at school, follows the rules, and generally flies under the radar (her teacher/leadership were aware of what was going on however, as the start to school was ROUGH). She definitely checked some boxes for autistic behaviours, but again, none of the health professionals believed it was autism. Same situation for SPD. 

So, there is definite reason for her anxiety, but we have found it to be ramping up again (I believe she isn’t coping with school ending, and the fear of the unknown about how next year will go). She is very reluctant to leave the house and do activities, though when she gets there she is fine. Sensory issues with clothing (feels uncomfortable, doesn’t like seams etc), loud noises. Very easy to panic. 

She overthinks almost everything, and is always thinking worst-case scenarios. 

She is constantly living in fight or flight mode. 

I wrote my initial post after a particularly challenging day with her, but we obviously do have very good days as well. She is also a very sensitive soul by nature, she feels things deeply so a portion of her behaviours are in-part due to her personality. 

We are resuming psychology for her in a few weeks once her psychologist is back from the break, and will see how it goes. Also booked in with GP for a new MH Care Plan and to discuss the next steps, but I truly don’t know if I should be pushing for more? I don’t know if I’m looking for a diagnosis that doesn’t exist, and it is just anxiety and sensory issues…. 

Oh - also should mention we’ve seen an OT who was absolutely useless, but I think it was just she wasn’t a great fit for the situation. Am thinking it might be worthwhile to try another. 

So, a bit to unpack there, apologies for the essay! 

[JimBob33]

Thank you for your reply 😊

And apologies, I wasn’t overly clear with a lot of my comments in my first post - it was written after a particularly challenging day, and was really just a big vent!

She has been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and her psychologist has said she experiences severe symptoms/behaviours as opposed to mild symptoms of anxiety - as well as the sensory issues (but they have not diagnosed her with Sensory Processing Disorder). 

So, we’ve only got the diagnosis of GAD at this point in time. I won’t repeat everything I said above, but we do thankfully have a GP appt soon (she is an incredible doctor), and will discuss the next steps to take. 

[JimBob33]

Thank you for your reply, it was incredibly helpful ☺️

Everything you said re: clothes/sounds/lack of structure and how you described them as hyperactivity/overwhelming is exactly how it presents in my daughter. 

Can I please ask how was the process as older children to have these assessments done? And how have they managed in life up until their adulthood? I have friends who have been diagnosed later in life and they have found it to be so healing, and validating to know there was a reason for their struggles. 

I feel like we need further investigation, as I’m reading these responses. We were told by her most recent paediatrician to not seek a diagnosis that doesn’t appear to be there, but I also don’t want her struggling if there is more at play, and then thinking we haven’t done everything in our power to help her. 

Thank you though, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. It sounds like we are on a similar in path, and you’ve given me a lot to consider ❤️

[therising]

Hi JimBob33

Regarding my 19yo son's diagnosis of high functioning autism, I was led by a great lady whose services (as a student organiser) we employed based on my son struggling through year 11. Due to her experience with the many students she'd helped over the years, she suggested the possibility that my son was on the autism spectrum and it was worth looking into. My son pushed me to look into this because he wanted to know whether there was a good reason for his struggles. We followed through and met with a child psychologist who conducted an extensive assessment. I wish we'd done this years earlier, as my son continued to struggle through year 12 mainly because is was a little to late when it came to taking a number of years to establish a degree of structure and focus that would have made a difference. I should add that his school was very accommodating and supportive when it came to his struggles and the eventual diagnosis.

Like with your friends, the diagnosis came as a relief to my son. He never uses the diagnosis of autism to excuse himself from developing the skills and abilities he needs or wants, he simply knows he may need to work more than some when it comes to developing those skills and abilities. For example, while some folk don't feel a great need to manage sound, he's had to develop ways of managing how he feels sound or doesn't feel it if need be. While he has an absolutely brilliant imagination, staying out of it so as to develop a greater sense of focus in certain areas of his life continues to create struggles for him that he admits he needs to work on. And while he's always been sensitive to other people's natures, feelings, words etc, he's learned to emotionally detach through certain strategies. Having asked him whether he's kinda gone to the other extreme and feels a little less than what he perhaps should, he admits needing to gain a greater sense of balance between feeling and not feeling. To be honest, I think he found a sense of liberation from switching off from feeling so much, based on years of being bullied throughout primary and secondary school. Easily switching off from certain people has become a bit of a super power for him.

With certain levels of autism there come some incredible abilities that, when out of balance and to the extreme, can make life a bit of a 'hell on earth' experience at times. An astounding level of hearing and feeling sound can have a bright and a dark side. A mind blowing imagination can have an addictive quality about it, which creates a challenge to stay out of it. Being able to feel or sense the nature of people, their emotions, their words and more can make a person highly intuitive but the dark side involves being able to feel their stressful or depressing nature, emotions, words etc. And while my son has what is classed as a savant level memory (I personally envy), he's had to find certain ways of managing remembering his darker experiences throughout his school years. A greater sense of insight and a change of perspective has helped a lot with this.

My daughter's experience with gaining an ADHD diagnosis taught me that when it comes to certain diagnoses, a psychiatrist is the best way to go to begin with, as opposed to a psychologist. Only psychiatrists are qualified to prescribe specific meds, if that's the path required. While a psychologist may reach the conclusion that ADHD is involved (for example), a person then has to go to a psychiatrist for a whole new assessment before they can prescribe medication. An expensive way to go and very time consuming.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi JimBob33,

First of all you are such a caring parent which is so lovely to read.

When I read the description of your daughter’s traumatic medical procedure I immediately thought of a story told by Peter Levine in his book In An Unspoken Voice. He is a trauma specialist and the story he told was from early in his career. He was working with a young woman named Nancy who was 24 years old and she had had a traumatic medical procedure aged 4 in which she was held down that sounds similar to what happened with your daughter. He describes the process of how the trauma released through her body and she drastically improved. She’d been carrying that trauma response for 20 years at that point. It was actually pivotal in his trauma work in learning how the nervous system recovers from trauma. Likewise in another of his books, Trauma & Memory, he describes working with a little boy and his mother after the boy had suffered birth trauma and how they were able to get to a point where the boy started to feel safe and release anxiety. Peter also has a book he did with Maggie Kline called Trauma Through a Child’s Eyes. His approach is called Somatic Experiencing. I have been doing this method myself with my psychologist in relation to trauma issues and it’s been incredibly beneficial. It’s basically a way of the body getting to complete a trauma survival response it didn’t get to do at the time. It’s a gently titrated approach that’s not about reliving the trauma but gentle touching into what the body needs to do to heal and come back to homeostasis. 

You could see if the psychologist knows anything about this approach. I had to try a few therapists before I found the right person to do it with as someone can be trained in it, but not necessarily able to deliver it as well as others. The experience you describe with the forceful enema makes total sense as to why she now has the constipation and overactive bladder as well as a lot of anxiety and sensitivity. The nervous system becomes hypervigilant and everything is heightened as a result. She may have been a sensitive child to start with and then these things happening has just been too intense and overwhelming and her body is stuck in a hypervigilant loop.

Those are just some thoughts anyway. All the very best to your family and hoping some answers can be found for your daughter soon.

Best wishes,

Eagle Ray