BECAUSE! I can't always control it...

[cakesnpies]

Hi Guys,

Please forgive me if this post is not in the right spot. I'm furious, desperate, depressed, isolated, etc. to the point where I hate myself... This all gravitates around my ADHD, I loathe it.

It's the 2nd time I've lost a job, all because I don't say the right thing or interpret what people say. I feel like the victim of prejudice, corporate intolerance & a pariah. I'm trying to believe that I'm not worthless, but even the rocks against the waves give way to the timeless battering. Last year I approached my employer & declared I had ADHD, because felt I could trust them. Because the staff felt genuine & nice, to add to it I inquired subtly how they felt about staff with individuals with different neuro-diverse mindsets. It was very optimistic to say the least.

So this whole big process was set in motion where my psychiatrist & another they organised gave insight into my condition & made some suggestions to accommodate. 1 of the BIG issues I have is my communication, which both specialists STRESSED, needed my emp. to liaise with my therapist. I wanted a bit of a buffer to clarify what I try to say... I don't like hurting people, I've been hurt my whole life, why would I want to continue the cycle? All they did was hand me the Discrim. & Bullying policy... I accepted it, out of respect because we've gotten this far, I'll play the game WIN : WIN...

Anyway, I started to feeling isolated, slowly. I got pigeon holed into a role for 14 mth. I couldn't apply for other roles when I asked my manager, acknowledging my ADHD & the process. I had to wait till last July for my review but I was told the role is nowhere near where it should be, while seeing my colleagues progress & do other things I envied. I was being watched, I had to tell them when I was away from my desk if I needed a smoke or work related. I COULDN'T do password resets for staff??? I still had faith even though I was miserable... because I believe in the company.

I now started "offending" people because I was alone. Eventually, I got a final written warning for a sent link (clean humour at my expense) to a "friend" & my then TL because it offended? Next were false allegations about making 2 colleagues uncomfortable because I spoke badly of a TL & some of the team.

I don't know what to do, I just want to do the right thing, but it NEVER is... I'm tired of having to understand others when they don't want to acknowledge me for me. I think highly of the company except the soft "normals".

[geoff]

hi Cakesnpies, thanks for your story and although you feel as though your employer at first instant was being friendly and nice, to me they seem to be pushing you away I'm sorry to say.
Being honest with an employer about any MH has been a discussion many times before on this site, but there hasn't been any decisive conclusion, some say yes while others say no, and it's most disappointing that when you feel as though you had a good connection with them that it can still go the wrong way, that's misstrust, but just to clarify did your employer give you the Discrim. & Bullying policy.
I can understand being alone would make you feel as though they are ignoring you and perhaps that'a what is happening, please this is not a fault of yours by any circumstance, you can't blame yourself for having ADHD, and what I do suggest is that contact a layer on a 'no win no fee' basis, so please google this 'lawyers for discrimination in the workplace', give them all the information and if you feel as though it's going to be tough talking to them, then please write down what's been happening with anything to do and how they have handled you, this will make it easier for you.
Take someone with you if that's what will make you feel more comfortable, and please get back to us. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Cakesnpies~

As Geoff has said telling an employer is an open question, it can go one of two ways with some people having a dream run, with their illnesses catered for in a sympathetic and understanding manner. With others it leads down a horrible road of concealed intolerance and discrimination, all normally couched in terms that make the employer seem right and reasonable.

I guess you have not been one of the lucky ones. Have you actually left that job or are still there? Most often in these negative situations it is not everyone who is off-side, but just one or a few. This can make it easier if you can avoid those people. I don't know if that helps with the job you are talking about but it might make you feel a bit better about yourself to realize there are always some who because of their own natures or limitations have to make problems.

I do think that if you are on some sort of notice or attracting adverse attention you might see if there is someone in the organization who can be a formal 'friend' and help you navigate though the problems. Someone perhaps to sit in at interviews or help you reply to assessment paperwork. If you happened to be in a union it might be easier to find such a person.

I guess the main thing is to try not to feel it is all you, it isn't. Do you have anyone outside work who you can talk to, who cares and will support you?

I think it would be good if you could talk more and say how you are going

Croix

[cakesnpies]

Hi Geoff, Hi Croix,

I deeply and really appreciate both your thoughts. I'm no longer employed with them, I was terminated. They did give me that very policy Geoff. I did my best to contest these allegations. I can only surmise that the termination was a result of past behaviour & that it was 2 colleagues against me. Last week, I initially submitted a report for the unfair dismissal through the org's 3rd party whistle blower called Your Call... Disgustingly my complaint for the termination was unsubstantiated because it was "made on the basis of inappropriate behaviour." to quote.

I'm working with my therapist/life coach to lodge a report for discrimination with the FW Ombudsman. I've got a lot of evidence noted down as well as transcripts from the specialists and therapist supporting my traits from 2016 & early this year. I really hope this brings us (MH Community) a win and I'm doing this for my Daughter. Chances are she may have ADHD, I haven't had her tested.

I did have a work support person in OH&S, really great guy & could only go so far to help. Outside of work I very few friends and are interstate. My wife hasn't been supportive, I don't blame her. Living with me is hard not because I want make it that way... I feel the only person I can count on is my lil' girl. My wife doesn't want me to rock the boat, because she's scared it will cause more drama. What about my dignity?

Right now I'm job hunting. I'm terrified that I'm going to screw up again, but I also feel no drive to find 1. My lil' girl is the only thing that gets me up, but I'm ashamed to say, I start to break down in the shower. I used to feel like I was only failing myself, I could accept that. Now I feel I'm failing my daughter... I want be strong for her because she deserves to have a strong dad, not like me. I refuse to repeat the sins of my father I want to be her advocate when it hits the fan for her. I just don't know how long I can keep this up?

Guys if I may ask for your counsel? What action should I take first because,
- I get moments of emotional paralysation for 30 seconds a few times a day.
- I'm scared of doing anything to find a job and not giving it my all.
- My wife's opinions impale me and make me second guess my actions. FW. Jobs. Help at home. etc. (So much drama here it feels like a soapy)
- There's a constant feeling of that parasitic loneliness that's been amplified to a point of excruciating pain after the termination.

Thank you guys x1,000,000

[Croix]

Dear Cakesnpies~

Well it's nice to see you back, and a great pity you re out of that job, the only silver lining is the atmosphere there sounded pretty hostile, and not a good place to be.

I don't know that much about FW and things like that so will leave all that.

With spacing out for 30 seconds or so I think that is something you should talk to your doctor about straight away. I've had my mind consumed by reliving the past or by anxiety, but I don't think that is the same thing you are talking about.

Being scared of trying for another job is more familiar, in my own case when I'm reluctant to do something important I think it's because I'm frightened of failing, and therefor want to avoid the whole thing and not try. I'm not sure what to recommend there. I know you said your wife has not supported you, however is it something she might help encourage you with? Also can your life coach help put you in the right frame of mind?

It sounds as if you and you wife need to have a talk and see if you can set some of her fears to rest. By saying she does not want you to make waves and does not want more drama she sounds as if she has fears for how things are going. This is not in the least unusual and really it takes two people together to face the trials in life. I know your dignity is important, that is pretty reasonable, but calming a loved one and trying to smooth her path is important too.

I guess if she says she wants help around the house or has doubts about something you are doing, then rather than just letting it affect you I think talk is the way to go, and if you find there is something you can do to fix the problem that's good.

That feeling of loneliness is really bound to get bad after your experiences, all the hassles and unfriendliness in that job will have taken a big toll on you. Being with your family can help. You daughter sounds lovely and you obviously love her very much and want to protect her. I don't realy understand why you think she will have something wrong with her - have I missed something?

In the meantime do you have any hobbies or interests you can use to help take your mind of things for a while each day?

I hope things get better for you real soon

Croix

[cakesnpies]

Hi Croix,

Off topic I noticed your avatar appears to be the Walrus from Alice in Wonderland. Have I guessed right? If it is, you have won a Duchenne smile out of me 🙂

Thank you for the gentle your gentle words. I reckon you may be on the same page with the spacing out. If I can elaborate, it just triggers when I'm reminded of something. When it happens there is a flood of emotions ranging from fury to sadness. It will literally either bring me down to my knees or furiously rub my head. I'll get a check up and explain these moments with my GP. Fortunately my family is overseas, I like to chuckle to myself that m family is like the real life version of the Barone family in that sitcom Everyone Loves Raymond.

Talking to my wife about serious topics ends up with her having to justify her opinions and harsh criticisms. I've made a no. of attempts to make it obvious that all I want is validation. She is the analytical type, she holds her emotions in and does not give affection easily, I'd be lucky to get 1 peck on the cheek in a fortnight. I thin she's around only for our daughter... It's a sad truth, our daughter loves seeing me after work and in the mornings. For her not to see me in 1 day actually devastates her, the feeling is also mutual.

My bad for not elaborating. Definitely my lil girl hasn't got anything wrong with her, I don't want her to be stigmatised because she may have ADHD like me. I grew in very critical and belittling environment in and out of home. I always thought there was something wrong with me and loathed it (subconsciously I still do). I make sure everyday that she knows she's worth everything. I tell her she's beautiful on the inside, then concluding when your beautiful on the inside (pointing to her head and heart) it shows on the outside. I want her to have what I lacked.

Occupying myself is easy. It's those moments where you're idle. Thats the killer, like the minutes before you fall asleep.

I appreciate the post Croix, I'll out your advise into actions.

[Croix]

Dear Cakesnpies~

Yes, you are quite right, it is the walrus from Alice. Some say it suits me:)

The thoughts before going to sleep are hard. I do relaxation exercises, and if things get too bad use the Smiling Mind app.

I think your daughter is very lucky to have such a supportive dad. Instead of going down the same path you experienced, you have learned and compensated for it.

Pretty good

Croix