Avoiding Relationships & People

[Avoider]

Hi,
It has recently been pointed out to me by a close friend that I push people away. She's not wrong. 3 years ago I lost my mother very suddenly and ever since I have avoided building relationships with people. This is for both friendships and romantic partners. In my mind when I meet someone I can already see the 'beginning' 'middle' and 'end'. If someone starts to get close to me my head and my anxiety tells me to run, so I do. This never used to bother me before because to me this was a protective mechanism stopping me from getting hurt, however I now have no social life and spend all my time working or studying and not interacting with people. I do not put effort into creating new relationships and get incredibly anxious when i even think about inviting people into my life. This has become very lonely and has made me scared of pretty much everyone.

How do I get over being so scared and meet people without the voice in my head telling me to run every time?

[JessF]

Hello Avoider,

It sounds like you have had a light bulb moment after your friend's comment, especially connecting the pushing away of people to the loss of your mother. Even after three years, you're still profoundly touched by that loss, and are carrying it with you when the opportunity for new friendships or relationships come up. It's your mind's way of protecting you against future loss, but you can see now it's no longer serving you any purpose.

It's tough to accept that loss is in an inevitable part of life, and that the closer we are to people, the more it will hurt when that loss happens. But you know from how you're feeling now that there is another kind of loss, the emptiness that you feel when you don't have the opportunity to form relationships and feel that love in your life from a really close connection.

Perhaps the answer in the short term is that you meet people while still being scared, and while the voice in your head is telling you to run. It can't be switched off at will, so try accepting that it is there. It might help you to even give this voice a name, so that when you hear those words in your head, you can take a breath and say, 'oh that's voice having their say again'. You don't have to act on the words, but if you act against what they are telling you, eventually they will fade.

[Ell43]

Hey Avoider,
Thanks for posting! Welcome to the forums =).
I love JessF's advice about acknowledging the voice in your head, but that you don't have to listen to it, or follow its instructions if you don't want to.
I agree, I think our minds are amazing the way they try to protect us from getting hurt, and I guess thats what that voice is trying to do for you. It's important to not be too critical of yourself (or that voice), because it is well intended.

I think a lot of us can be guilty of what in the CBT world is considered the "cognitive distortion" of thinking we can predict the future. At the end of the day, although you feel like you can see the beginning, middle and end of the relationship before you unfolding.. is this actually true? Can you really see the future?
We ALL do this to some extent I think, and it sucks because if we worry so much about the uncontrollable future that it stops us enjoying the moment, or like you've described, makes us miss opportunities that could have been really great!!

Have you ever looked into the practice of mindfulness? I know alot of people know about the idea of meditating ect, but less is known about the informal practice of mindfulness which simply involves trying to live in the moment and not spending too much time worrying about the things we can't control in the present. Maybe it would be something worth looking into? If you think it might help. Obviously not for everyone though, so no pressure if you don't feel like thats something you'd be interested in.

Ell