Anxiety is getting unmanageable. Work is unbearable and wan to leave but afraid.

[Orange_Lily]

Hello everyone. I have been a member here for almost a year but have always been afraid to post. I've had anxiety at varying levels for a long time but these last few months it has become unbearable. I made what I thought would be a positive change 3 months ago and changed jobs. Problem is I hate it. I sit for hours before works stressing about what the day will be like and crying. When I'm there I feel stupid because I'm not picking it up quickly which is unlike me. It's a completely new area of work. I can't get my views and worries across to my manager effectively because I just cry. When i get home I can't sleep and at the weekends I just spend the whole time dreading Monday. I have enough sick leave accrued to take some time off and I have a very supportive Dr however I feel like I would just be letting everyone down as the business is approaching its busiest time of year. I just want to go to work, hand in my notice.

I've also had my share off family issues over the last few years. One of my children has lost a few friends and another has had health issues. I just feel like I'm always the strong one. Always there for everyone. But now my head is so busy I can't get a clear thought. I feel as though it could explode at any second. My cheast pounds and it's hard to keep my hands still. Even as I type this I wonder if I'm making any sense. In social siuations I often feel unliked and isolated, same in my new job however I don't know if this is how it is or my mind playing tricks on me. I can't seem to make sense of anything.

One of my children had a birthday this week and they just looked so sad and I think that was the breaking point to this post. I wonder if my constant crying, overall sadness and stressfullness is having an effect on them. It's as if they have lost their joy. My heart is broken. I have an appointment to see my GP on Monday. I had one last Monday too and didn't go. I just want to have some time off, hand my notice in but I'm so afraid of what my employers will think and afraid go tell them. I wouldn't even know how to approach the subject. I only accepted the job 3 months ago ... no idea where to go from here.

[jess334]

Hi Orange Lily,

Welcome to the forums and well done on writing your first post. It can be daunting, but this is a great place to find people who have similar experiences.

It's great that you have an appointment with your doctor. It is so important to have a mental health professional to support you at times like this. I hope you can keep the appointment and talk to your gp openly about what is troubling you.

I also understand your worries about your mental health affecting your children. I have a lot of anxiety and I am terrified that my almost 1 year old is going to pick up on it and it'a going to make him anxious. He is the main reason I keep forcing myself to take medication and see a psychologist - so that I can be the mum he deserves and also find enjoyment in it.

Your post is very focused on how you feel like you are letting other people down. About work- if you have the option of taking some time off I would definitely do so. Especially if you decide to start taking antidepressants. I would use the sick leave to heal, take a break, and also find a job that doesn't make you so stressed. It doesn't make you weak to need a break, it is really important to put your mental health first.

My workplace was stressing me out immensely during the last 2 months of my pregnancy and when I spoke to my GP he gave me a sick certificate. I didn't regret it at all.

Kind thoughts,

Jess

[jollydolly]

Hi Orange Lily,

Your post really resonated with me and I'm sorry to hear how tough things are for you right now - good on you for reaching out here. (I also have lurked with only occasional posts but am so happy this place exists).

I'm sitting at home today during one of our workplace's busiest and most important events; I have tried to keep going under tough and stressful circumstances for more than six months, and have finally reached breaking point. My desire to be a healthy, strong parent to my two-year-old has also driven this very tough decision. I feel much of what you are describing: that I'm letting people down, and that I'm unliked and isolated. In my experience, anxiety and depression absolutely heighten these feelings. (I have the added feelings of "I'm hopeless, will never get another job, and will lose the house.") My weekends were like yours - tears, worry, lack of sleep, dread of work, obsessing over what people thought of me and what might happen next.

If I could go back in time, I would have taken sick leave sooner and for longer, before I did some damage to my professional reputation. And of course, damage to myself. Financial responsibilities and work ethic made me stick it out, but in the end, that hasn't worked, and I've needed to just stop.

You say you're not sure how to tell your employers - perhaps the GP could provide some advice around what he/she thinks you need, and then you could frame the conversation this way? e.g. "My doctor has advised me to do X". I am fortunate enough to work for a large organisation that has a branch of HR that supports staff with physical and mental health, and so had a representative between myself and my employer/manager. I had lots of tearful conversations with all of them, however! People do understand; many will have had other staff go through it, or have been through it themselves.

I have also considered resigning and may end up taking that step; but just yesterday my GP was encouraging me to wait until I had had some time off to recover and think more clearly. That's an option for you too, it sounds like. And if after some time to think, you decide to quit, then you quit!

Good luck and I'll look out for your posts to see how you're going.