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Anxiety in relationships

Lindamay
Community Member
Hi, I have come to an intimate relationship late in life and I am struggling. I suffer from anxiety and my partner doesn’t seem to understand why I am needy and require a lot of reassurance in the relationship! We have been together for over a year but I get really anxious when I don’t hear from him for several hours. We do spend considerable time together eg most of the weekend and an evening or morning during the week. He is a strong personality and I have been on my own for most of my life. I try to keep busy but in the present times that is quite difficult, he is still working but I am retired. Any suggestions on how I can help him to understand my needs. I am seeing a counsellor but I am still struggling?
4 Replies 4

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Lindamay~

Welcome to the Forum. It is not easy to talk here as frankly as you have, I believe it was a very good idea. I can understand your feelings, coming to a relationship having lived without one most of your life. It is strange territory, and the fact you have not been in this position before must weight upon your mind, perhaps making you feel less than you actually are.

Then again being retired has its pitfalls, particularly if one has gone from an absorbing or busy job where one was rewarded for one's value, in money if nothing else, to a life without.

Add to that the normal worries many feel when entering an intimate relationship for the first time and you have a fair weight on your shoulders. Often if the partner has been in one before, the inevitable tendency to compare oneself with whoever was in his past raises its head.

As someone who has an anxiety condition I'd imagine in your position that this could become a permanent hassle, even damage the relationship if you do not appear trusting and relaxed.

Although it sounds a good idea to see a councilor it may well be that is not enough, sometimes one can have conditions, such as anxiety, that may require the services of a psychiatrist to diagnose and treat. I am guessing but it might be worth considering. What do you think?

Making him understand? I doubt that just words would do that . What would you think if he was involved himself in parts of any therapy you undertook? It would not only give him understanding abut also allow him to take steps together with you.

If I could I'd also suggest doing something to make yourself feel more worth inside might help. As I mentioned being retired has its problems. Have you considered an occupation, particularly voluntary, that is rewarding, possibly even challenging? Removes the amout of time you have to fret too.

I look forward to chatting wiht you again

Croix

Lindamay
Community Member
I am involved in quite a lot of volunteer work so keep myself very busy and I am seeing a psychologist for help with my anxiety. My partner is quite erratic in his communications with me which doesn’t always help sometimes he messages a lot during a day and other times I only hear from him once a day. I never quite know what to expect, I have tried to discuss this with him but he doesn’t seem to understand

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Lindamay~

I'm glad you are volunteering, that in itself cam be a big help -I've been doing that for a long time and feelings of accomplishment and being valued answers many needs.

Do you think it is worth you taking your partner with you to at least part of a session? That way he may get to understand it is the condition, not you. He may also be able to help , you never know.

Is your psychologist give you alternative strategies to use when you are waiting for a call and it does not arrive? I hate waiting and us a free smartphone app call Smiling Mind to get my thoughts out of an anxious loop for a while, it does take a little practice but is worth it.

https://www.smilingmind.com.au

You could also look at a thread full of things peple have found helpful, myself included

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/self-help-tips-for-managing-anxiety

What do you think?

Croix

Lindamay
Community Member
Thank you for your suggestions I think it might be useful to take him along to a session and I will pursue that, and I will have a look at the links you have suggested as well. I appreciate your thoughts on my situation.