Anxiety due to toxic manager

[Hi_]

Hi, first time poster. I have been dealing with a toxic manager who does not provide support to me at all. I dread coming to work everyday, with massive anxiety, panic attacks, heart palpitations and feeling like vomitting before work. I know I shouldn't let it affect me this much but it does. She belittles me, points out everything she thinks I do wrong, when I try to stand up for myself with all the accusations she has against me, I am shut down and she makes excuses pinning things back on me. I know I am not in the wrong, that I know, because I do the work that is given to the best of my abilities but it's not my fault the work lacks direction and clear expectations which then leads her to say I'm not doing the job right.. anyway it sucks because I'm not financially stable to quit my job. I'm also trying to find new jobs too but no luck so far. This anxiety is sometimes getting too much it's affecting my personal life (lost of appetite, being distant to friends/family) and I don't know how to handle it while I'm still here.. I don't know how to handle such a toxic manager who doesn't hear me out or sets me up for success.. any advice would be great, thanks.

[therising]

A huge warm welcome to you as you come here looking for support and a sense of direction. I feel for you so much, given such a great emotional challenge that's impacting you deeply in so many ways.

Your post really struck a chord with me as I can relate to that feeling of dread preceding going to work. Dread's a horrible thing when it begins to impact us not just in mental ways but physical ways as well. Personally, I'm a gal who often feels compelled to work out what an emotional challenge is really about. Until I can work it out, it can eat away at me while stressing me and/or depressing me. It's taken me a good month to work out what the work factor is about, when it comes to a staff member I struggle to work with. Not sure whether it's relatable but I discovered the core feeling in the whole scenario is not dread but actually a deeply impacting and overwhelming lack of compassion that I'm feeling from that staff member. I've never come across such a lack of compassion or empathy from anyone I've ever worked with in my whole 53 years of being on this earth. Up until I worked it out, I couldn't help but think 'What's wrong with me? Why am I struggling so much to work with this woman?'. At the end of the day, the revelation is...I struggle to work with anyone who lacks compassion on such a blatant, thoughtless and rude level.

While our situations are somewhat different, as this woman is not my manager and I have no great desire to leave the job, I'm wondering whether treating these people as folk who lack compassion and empathy might make some difference. Kinda like 'I will not dread seeing the person I work with. I will instead look forward to confidently treating them as someone who's seriously lacking in what I work best with'. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do but it simply feels right at the moment. With this thought, I feel the dread leave me.

I think, with 'matter of fact' people, we might need to respond to them with nothing other than a matter of fact, which reflects the lack of emotion they offer us. For example, if they are terse in the way they express 'You should know what to do', we can confidently and firmly state as a matter of fact 'There needs to be direction in a job that has no clear guidelines'. And if they state 'You're not doing your job properly', it's a matter of fact 'The role lacks definition. If it was better defined, I could do it easily'. With the shirking of responsibility on another staff member's part, it pays to think 'They lack the ability to offer a highly effective response and that is not my fault even though it is a part of my problem'. At the end of the day, it becomes incredibly frustrating and triggering when we are a compassionate, thoughtful and empathetic person our self. And when we have a great response ability or skill, trying to reason with a brick wall kind of person holds the potential to take us to the brink of insanity. 🙂

[Hi_]

Hi therising, thank you so much for taking the time to write such an impacting post back. You are very right and I will try to shift my thinking to this - I have never worked with anyone let alone my own manager who lacks such compassion and empathy and am struggling with how to deal with it. I did question at one point if it was me, am I in the wrong but no you're right, it's us struggling to work with such a toxic person. I have tried to 'matter of fact' with her, tried to speak up multiple times but she doesn't listen and tries to find excuses to pin it back on me. At the end of the day, I just need to be in the mindset that it's not my fault at all, I'm here trying my best but it's just not going both ways on her part which is extremely demotivating and well, sucks. I'm taking it day by day trying mentally to deal with it which can get exhausting.

[therising]

Hi_

I think people like this can really impact our nervous system. It definitely doesn't seem right, their lack of accountability for their behaviour. I've found what makes some difference involves support and understanding from other staff members.

If we're not going to leave the job, the question becomes 'How can I possibly continue working with this person, while taking care of my own wellbeing?'. 1)Limiting the interactions to a bare minimum where able, 2)mirroring their own nature through the 'matter of fact' approach (practicing emotional detachment), 3)looking to those supportive co-workers, 4)keeping a record of triggering interactions for future reference if need be and 5)considering the reasons for the person's nature. While some people can be matter of fact kind of people for a whole variety of self serving reasons, I do know some folk with high functioning autism who also happen to be very matter of fact. They're not self serving people, it's just in their nature to work with more fact and less emotion. 

When people are trained for a job (a managerial position or otherwise), consideration of others should be a part of the training. If such consideration is not included in their skill set, we can see and feel the result of poor training. 

When it comes to facing a particular nature for the first time, first time challenges can be tough while being mentally and emotionally confronting. With the nervous system factor, it can be physically confronting too. I think we gotta be kind to our self while acknowledging 'This is tough, based on the fact I've never had to manage such a nature before (not one to this extreme anyhow'. Can definitely be one heck of a learning experience, that's for sure. Oh my goodness.