An apparently 'successful' person with mental illness who is struggling with the notion of going back to work – Please help

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎11-10-2018

To the outside observer I'm a very 'successful' person. I'm a single guy, 32 years of age, I live a alone. I get on well with family. I have a few good friends. I have a PhD. I have a job as a researcher. I have a house that I'm paying off and a car that I own. Outside of work I haven't really had much else one. I have done well at work, but I'm now burnt out. I have worked extremely long hours (+weekends) doing lots of work that is itself hard to do.

I've stopped work and taken over three months leave so far. My diagnosis is depression (with mixed anxiety), generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I'm seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist every fortnight or so. Also, I'm on medication. I have had other medications in the past. My sick leave will be exhausted soon and for some unclear period of time at this stage I will be on income protection while I recover.

After a sustained period of working hard I've become burnt out, exhausted, cynical and anxious. This didn't come out of nowhere. I was finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed and make the 1.5 hour or so journey each way to work every day. This led me to increasingly arrive late or abruptly call in sick. In the end, despite my efforts to undertake a herculean task I was unable to finish the task on time. Nor was I able to finish the task by the several rescheduled due dates that followed. I was spent. Exhausted. This was 'the straw that broke the camel's back' as such.

At the moment, I may not be 'rational', but I find it hard to imagine going back to work: where I was; or somewhere else. The stress is just too much to handle.

I feel that my depression and anxiety are discounted and misunderstood a bit because I'm ostensibly 'successful'. It has been very difficult to achieve what I have. For the last 8 years, at the very least, I have had to deal with the repeated fallout of working too hard (a virtue, something society praises and admires – despite the emotional turmoil it can create). This instance is the worst ever for me. I feel thoroughly broken. I have thought long and hard about how to solve this problem solve. But I'm just exasperated. I spend much of my days just sleeping at the moment.

Has anyone else struggled similarly with the idea of returning to work? If so, what did you do and what were the outcomes? What would you suggest?

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎13-10-2018

Hi Paul,
Thank you again for taking the time out to reply and offer your thoughts. Since I have been unwell, your point has really come into focus for me... our career/work status will reflect the time and determination we place into our own well being...
After my post earlier today, I spent the rest of the day in bed. I was just very tired. This amount of fatigue makes me question how I could ever function at work. Work from home for a few hours in the mid-morning (10:30am to 12pm) and sleep the rest of the day? It seems unlikely. After all of the progress on Friday, today has knocked me back a bit :(.
It's so crystal clear for you :). It has helped me to understand what I'm going through myself. It is comforting to know that I'm not alone and that these experiences are shared by others. It's very true what you say. Setting goals at the moment, I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me before I even get going. Similarly, sticking with boundaries is a mammoth task for which I don't have a great track record (e.g. sticking to certain work or leisure hours, sticking to a budget, abstaining from alcohol etc...). Approaching things one day at a time is incredibly freeing, non-judgemental and tied to nurturing our own well being.
Hope you are having a pretty good weekend too.

blondguy · ‎13-10-2018

Hi MTW

you are already making the world a better place by being here with us....and your posts are just as important as anyone elses on the forums including mine. I am a huge believer in 'Stopping the Stigma' like yourself 🙂

I understand that you are proud (and should be) of your achievements. You have a very strong desire to heal from being in this dark place.....the exhaustion....the anguish...ugh

You have and will continue to make progress.....and yes the roller coaster ride of the success and down periods are frustrating (understatement of the decade!)

I understand that you dont feel 'lucky' but you are as your GP's knowledge is alive and well now compared to the tiny amount of support that was available to me in my 20's and 30's from my GP

Your post is very kind and thankyou for saying what you did...You made my day! At 32 I was a mess. Its taken me a couple of decades to learn that the earlier anxiety/depression is treated the better our recovery will be. My doctors didnt know this when I was 32..unfortunately

Spending the rest of your day in bed or resting is fine....It can be draining working and trying to get a handle on depression/anxiety at the same time...Please dont beat yourself up on this.....Having a 'tired' mind is exhausting...yet it will take some time (and your proactive attitude) to let some peace back into your life

You mentioned "Approaching things one day at a time is incredibly freeing, non-judgemental and tied to nurturing our own well being" You deserve to have this frame of mind....and well said 🙂

Setting boundaries is great.....after finding some peace. Can I ask if you have given any thought to making a double appointment with your GP? I remember how good I felt when I started to see my doc on a regular basis

By the way...thanks for asking how my weekend is going. I have been burning some daggy '80s tracks onto a disc (I know....a CD...lol) and working hard in the garden....I just find peace there....and with my huge Chow German Shep rescue dog....He brings me peace....They dont overthink everything the way I used to

Great to have you with us MTW....You are an asset to the forums

my kindest

Paul

PS...When my mind is 'tired'...I have used Sustagen Hospital Strength (from chemists) for a quick boost just fyi

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎14-10-2018

Hi Paul,
Thank you for your kind replies and support. You make a excellent point, things are much better than they once were for people with a mental illness. It's something younger people such as myself could take a moment to reflect on, often not knowing what things were once like.
I have yet to make a double appointment with my GP. But I will first thing tomorrow (Monday). Your suggestion regarding Sustagen Hospital Strength I will take up ASAP though. My diet is something which I know hasn't been great (understatement) so this will certainly help.
Your weekend sounds pretty perfect :). I still own and use CDs too :). Good advice all around and something to aim for. Thanks again for your support. I feel very fortunate to have received gleaned these insights. I much more clarity.
Take care.

AnxiousExec · ‎14-10-2018

Hi MakeTheWorldABetterPlace,

Your initial post resonates with me on various levels. I am a successful person who’s has achieved a lot in a relatively short space of time. Unfortunately though, in recent times I have become quite depressed and anxious which is greatly affecting my ability to work and function. It’s taken a bit for me to accept that I have a mental health issue, but now that I have, I’m looking to get treated.

My depression and anxiety is getting worse by the day and it is affecting my ability to work and I feel I do need to take some time away from work. Unfortunately as an Executive, if I’m not there, no one can do my work and I know that if my leave is longer than a few days, possibly weeks, then I’ll be asked not to come back. Whilst I know they can’t do this, they could blame poor recent performance on their decision, of simply have a new person recruited to substitute for me that then makes it hard for me to slot back in once I’m better.

I am therefore preparing for the situation where work will not support my time off and therefore I’ll need to resign or stay on extended sick leave and therefore not have an income. This will have an even worse impact on things as I’m highly mortgaged. I do have income protection and I’m not sure how or if this will help. You mentioned in your original post that you will be claiming on your IP. Can you give some insight into how you found that process, what was involved and for how long they are likely to assist?

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎14-10-2018

Hi AnxiousExec,
Thank you for your post. I will try my very best to help. Income protection is complicated. Fortunately, in an earlier career I worked as a financial adviser. This is my first time claiming on it myself though. I've only just had my own claim accepted myself. I should point out that ASIC's Money Smart website has some more information. I should also point out this isn't personal advice unique to your situation and that it's just general information that I've gleaned myself.
Income protection can be held within your: (1) accumulation superannuation fund or an equivalent can be provided within a defined benefit superannuation fund; or (2) outside of your superannuation. Many people have income protection in their superannuation fund and may not even realise it. If you have more than one super fund around, you may have cover elsewhere as well that you might want to hang onto (Especially if it is cover for which you've already got automatic acceptance for, usually this is when your employer sets up your super for you and you are given cover automatically. This can be a huge windfall for people who already have health issues.).
Income protection pays a taxable benefit (usually 75% of your gross taxable income, sometimes 85% (although the additional 10% usually refers to super contributions)) if you're unable to work due to a sickness or injury (note it's quite broad, but it does have to be for a sickness or injury (not unemployment)) for a benefit period of:
(1) up to 2 years; or
(2) up to 5 years; or
(3) up to age 65 (some may go a bit higher than this).
(Note: income from investments does not usually impact your benefits paid.)
There is a waiting period. The waiting period, at least in my case, started when the continuous period of absence from work for the illness started. This was when my GP first provided me a medical certificate for time off work for the illness, depression and anxiety it was for me.
The waiting periods can be as short as 14 days. But other standard waiting periods are 30 days, 60 days, 90 days and 2 years.

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎14-10-2018

For people who have income protection in their superannuation it is common to have a 90 day waiting period and a 2 year benefit period. I have noticed in some cases that even though you may have a benefit period of 5 years in the fine print they may limit mental health benefit periods to 2 years for example. As an aside, for some reason my psychiatrist and psychologist had the view from other patients that the benefits were only 6 months or so in duration so this may be the case in other instances I'm not sure. Also, they may have been thinking about workers compensation claims. Workers compensation claims are unfortunately hardly worth the pain from what I've heard. Firstly, there is little benefit to you if you already have income protection as one will offset the other. Secondly, the process is arduous and the benefits a relatively small. Where I work/worked the employer self-insures and the maximum benefit period is 6 months, at least on the face of it. They also state that they settle 'most' claims in 3 days. Mental health claims would be an exception though I strongly suspect.
If you are considering a claim. I would phone the insurance company or the super fund and find out what you need to claim sooner rather than later. Also, my understanding is that you want to be employed at the very least when you claim. My super fund was good, they sent me out everything I needed to fill out and then I sent the information to them and they lodged the claim with the insurance company. Then you're relationship turns into one with the insurance company. In my case within 14 days they had made a decision (apparently it can take longer though). For me as well it was an extremely important decision and a very tense time. I would check that your cover isn't about to change automatically for some reason. Sometimes there are inbuilt features where as your age increases your level of cover decreases. You would want to stop this now. Getting insurance after you have a diagnosis will be difficult. You could be excluded from cover entirely or charged 2-4 times as much.
For the income protection claim one of the many forms you'll have to provide will be a report from your treating psychiatrist. Other information you'll need is any information about stays in hospital for your illness, your GP's details and your psychologist's details (only if you're seeing someone else apart from your psychiatrist that is).

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎14-10-2018

You've described a really unsupportive and cut-throat environment. I am sorry you have to endure that. It sounds like a harsh reality. I would suggest getting treatment ASAP. Sick leave with pay if possible or sick leave without pay if you have to :(.
Throughout this process I have sought to run down any accrued savings or surplus payments I've accrued on water and energy bills. I have also cut back on the levels, amounts and types of insurance cover. For health insurance I was given a temporary discount. I've changed to monthly or quarterly payments where I used to do annual payments. I have finally started using those accrued loyalty points with various places :).
While you're still working this is when you can make borrowing decisions. After that as you might expect, borrowing becomes difficult, if not impossible (something I'm considering as I look at downsizing myself).
Longer term you would hope that you've recovered and you're back up and running. However, I have read about an increasing number of mental illness-related claims being made for total permanent disability. This is a lump sum payment if you satisfy a very specific definition. There are generally two types. One is you are totally and permanently disabled and unable to perform your 'own occupation' and other more common one (especially within superannuation) is that you are totally and permanently disabled and unable to perform 'any occupation'. Obviously, you would hope that you never have to claim on these, because you'd clearly be in a pretty bad state.
The only other safety net that I can think of is Disability Support Pension and the Sickness Allowance (note for the Sickness Allowance you need to still have a job to go back to). Note both Liberal and Labor governments have over the last eight years dramatically cut access to the disability support pension, cutting the approval rate from 63% to about 30% this financial year (According to The Guardian). I think it is also particularly tough if you are applying on the basis of mental health. And Newstart Allowance is not made for people with poor health so it's a very tough situation potentially :(. I will save you from my rant, but we need a more compassionate society.

NMTB · ‎15-10-2018

I am a former senior lawyer - that ended over 10 years ago after an almighty struggle to sustain it on my behalf. I have 2 Honours degrees and had significant standing. But an ever escalating struggle with anxiety from age 5 with depression added in as I got older (I'm now 51) - despite every treatment in the book - eventually led me to the realisation that what I was intellectually cut out for was not what my mind (for want of a better term) was capable of. The anecdote I might use is that of a very good footballer whose body just incurs injury after injury until doctors advise him he was not cut out (physically) for the game. I am not of course saying you are in this boat. By all means fight like hell and try everything to achieve your goals - I guess I would just add to keep an eye all along on your overall health and wellbeing - that you are not doing undue damage to yourself along the way.

Finally, and this is on a slightly different aspect of being a professional with anxiety. The vexed question of whether to "come out" as a person with serious anxiety to colleagues. In law, which is so competitive, I don't think it would have been an option. However, in other fields, and depending on your workmates, it may be worthy of consideration as you may find an unexpected source of support. It is discussed in this brief article (I read in the rules links aren't allowed but I'll give it a go!) https://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/02/03/coming-out-as-anxious/?ref=opinion&_r=0

Cheers.

AnxiousExec · ‎15-10-2018

Thanks MakeTheWorlABetterPlace for the in depth response. I have quite a good Income Protection policy that pays until 65, but you mention that some have a mental illness cap, so I will need to check if mine does as well. Thank you for that tip.

However what does concern me, and what I have gleaned elsewhere, is that most claims are only for 3-6 months which seems to be an acceptable range for insurers to pay. On the one hand I’m hoping that with a few monthd off I will be in a better head space to get back at doing what I love and engaging properly with the world, but on the other hand I know I won’t be going back to the same job and this therefore would place me in the realm of unemployment.

It’s like a double edge sword - I stay and deteriorate mentally and possibly face dismissal from poor performance or I take leave and get better but then do not have a job to return to.

Whilst I appreciate an employer can not legally dismiss you for taking certified sick leave, the reality is that in executive roles, if you are not there then someone else can simply not be rostered on or step up to the role. Its either you doing it or they need to get someone else and if it’s someone else, it’s likely that when you return (especially after 3 months) that person will remain and you’ll get pushed to the sideline and pushed out.

This is what worries me and ramps up my anxiety. I’m not sure what, if anything, one can do.

MakeTheWorldABetterPlace · ‎15-10-2018

Thanks NMTB and AnxiousExec for your replies.
I have "come out" at work myself and there is no going back. I regret coming out myself. Despite a lot of marketing material by my employer about the importance of mental health, where the rubber meets the road, it's still a very harsh and competitive environment. For me, just by acknowledging that my sick leave was due to burn out my promotion has ended up with a question mark over it (despite a very strong case on all KPIs). Similarly, I don't think this is allowed, but my immediate supervisor has direct and indirect influence which can just make things happen. Further, because clients' deadlines are usually pretty tight other people are already doing my work. My assessment is that it's a life changing decision to take time off work to get treatment. Changing how you think about things can help lessen the shame you may find you burden yourself with unnecessarily. As you might expect the longer you take off work, the less likely you are to return to work.
A few years ago, I was not so bad, I seemed okay with just seeing my psychologist and the medication that the GP gave me. AnxiousExec, I would suggest getting a referral from your GP to see a psychiatrist and see what they advise. Every medication I've been on has had a few common side-effects that are most pronounced over the first few weeks (for me at least). These side effects when I first experienced them made me wonder how anyone works with these medications. It did dissipate though. The medication can take 4 to 6 weeks to start to have an impact. And then you might have to change the doses and/or type(s) of medications. If you're not able to function at work though and things seem like they'll only get worse I would urge you to take action and see a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists are doctors that specialise in treating mental illnesses and they can prescribe medications, but they can also provide psychotherapy (e.g. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)). A psychologist will provide psychotherapy alone. Ultimately, if you need to take time off work I would do it. Life is too short to spend it as an emotional mess. And if you do find yourself in a very dark place (e.g. suicidal ideation etc...) the choice to take time off work is even easier.
I hope this helps.