An apparently 'successful' person with mental illness who is struggling with the notion of going back to work – Please help

[MakeTheWorldABetterPlace]

To the outside observer I'm a very 'successful' person. I'm a single guy, 32 years of age, I live a alone. I get on well with family. I have a few good friends. I have a PhD. I have a job as a researcher. I have a house that I'm paying off and a car that I own. Outside of work I haven't really had much else one. I have done well at work, but I'm now burnt out. I have worked extremely long hours (+weekends) doing lots of work that is itself hard to do.

I've stopped work and taken over three months leave so far. My diagnosis is depression (with mixed anxiety), generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder and panic disorder. I'm seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist every fortnight or so. Also, I'm on medication. I have had other medications in the past. My sick leave will be exhausted soon and for some unclear period of time at this stage I will be on income protection while I recover.

After a sustained period of working hard I've become burnt out, exhausted, cynical and anxious. This didn't come out of nowhere. I was finding it more and more difficult to get out of bed and make the 1.5 hour or so journey each way to work every day. This led me to increasingly arrive late or abruptly call in sick. In the end, despite my efforts to undertake a herculean task I was unable to finish the task on time. Nor was I able to finish the task by the several rescheduled due dates that followed. I was spent. Exhausted. This was 'the straw that broke the camel's back' as such.

At the moment, I may not be 'rational', but I find it hard to imagine going back to work: where I was; or somewhere else. The stress is just too much to handle.

I feel that my depression and anxiety are discounted and misunderstood a bit because I'm ostensibly 'successful'. It has been very difficult to achieve what I have. For the last 8 years, at the very least, I have had to deal with the repeated fallout of working too hard (a virtue, something society praises and admires – despite the emotional turmoil it can create). This instance is the worst ever for me. I feel thoroughly broken. I have thought long and hard about how to solve this problem solve. But I'm just exasperated. I spend much of my days just sleeping at the moment.

Has anyone else struggled similarly with the idea of returning to work? If so, what did you do and what were the outcomes? What would you suggest?

[blondguy]

Hello MakeTheWorldABetterPlace

Welcome and thankyou for taking the time to post too!

I understand your situation as I have been in senior corporate for years whilst having anxiety attacks which were followed by depression and its a tough place to be in for sure. I have also take medication (AD's) and they have given me my life back

Returning to work can be a pain when we have a 'tired' mind. I had a community based psychiatric nurse (counselor) that asked me to see him every week......which I did and he eased me back into work....well after my sick pay had run out.

Being successful is a sign of inner strength yet we still require regular counseling during this difficult time to reduce the feelings of anxiety and/or depression

The meds arent a fix all yet do provide a solid foundation on which we can heal more effectively The exhaustion you are experiencing is a common sign of having a 'tired' mind.

May I ask you about the frequency of the counseling you are receiving (only if thats okay)

The forums are a Safe and non judgemental place for you to be MakeTheWorld.....Thankyou for being a part of the forum family and having the courage to post with us 🙂

I hope you can post back when its convenient for you

Paul

[MakeTheWorldABetterPlace]

Thank you for taking the time out to respond Paul. It is great to speak to someone who has faced similar challenges and come out the other side. I'm happy to share my experience. It may help others as well. I am currently seeing a psychologist once every three weeks and a psychiatrist once every three weeks too. This has been recently revised down from once a fortnight and before that once a week.
I admit, I have resisted appeals to go outside of my comfort zone and into the world. My sporadic ventures out have had mixed outcomes. Some good and some anxiety-inducing and unpleasant. My past response to similar situations has been to just try my best to hardened up and bury this emotionally unstable part of me. Provided I can carry this off, I just end up in the same situation or worse a year or two at most down the track.
Another much more complicated and difficult response would be to make a greater effort to develop a more balanced lifestyle. However, I'm struggling to see how I can reconcile this with work. Further, many jobs I see advertised make me sick to the stomach with what they are looking for in their ideal candidate. Perhaps there are some skills I need to work on to make work more tolerable.
I could learn how to routinely assert my boundaries in a way that is subtle and palatable. I could learn how to be okay with not pleasing certain people in my life. I could learn how to be okay with achieving less, but still 'enough' to remain employed. In brief, I think the onus is very much on me to heed the advice of my psychologist and psychiatrist and make the transition back to work.
Apart from work I don't really have much going on. But that is a separate issue. I'll tried to keep this thread focused. Thank you again for your support and including me in the forum family :).

[blondguy]

Hi MakeTheWorld

You are proactive with your health which (as you know) is a huge move to having some peace in your life. Good1

Your attitude is a amazing (seriously)...At 32 I was still in denial and refusing meds.....which only made my anxiety/depression worse unfortunately. I am not a doc....just a guy that didnt get his anxiety treated early enough when I first started having anxiety attacks

Just saying that I have had to let go of some of my interests and sports that I used to enjoy which has been a pain yet I have had little choice with anticipatory anxiety even with anxiety....(just for myself)

I understand where you are coming from...I joined the forums after being made 'redundant' in Jan 2016....

You mentioned "I'm happy to share my experience. It may help others as well".....This is a very kind and heartfelt thought as (just FYI) 70% of the hits to the Beyond Blue forums are 'read only' and 30% percent choose to post on the forums which is fine. You are helping more people than you know already by speaking from your own experience 🙂

You also mentioned "I could learn how to be okay with not pleasing certain people in my life" I have always felt the same and this is hard to do as it may go against your existing beliefs. I am still doing what I can too on this one as its in my persona to 'keep certain people happy too'....I understand and am doing what I can to nurture my own well being as a priority

Its taken me a long time to grasp that our well being is paramount......and all other considerations are secondary...

you are not alone by any means and you have made the world a better place already and thankyou heaps 🙂

If you see a post that you feel you can provide support....you are more than welcome! (if you wish to of course)

There are also many gentle people on the forums that can be here for you too MTW

I really hope you can stick around

my kind thoughts

Paul

[blondguy]

Hi MTW

I apologise for the double post.....Just a note about getting back to work...

Your GP may be a great person to see for support without the protracted time frame to see a psychologist is concerned. Just fyi...I still see my GP every month for a 'tune up' with my mental health....They can be invaluable where work issues/mental health are concerned

Paul

[Hope_for_the_best]

Hi MakeTheWorldABetterPlace,
I feel compelled to respond to your post. I am also a post-doctoral researcher, so I can totally relate to your struggles. The nature of our job, including getting publications, funding etc., can mean long working hours. However, unlike a standard office job, we can have some flexibility in our working hours. Would that be possible for you to cut back the number of your working hours? Alternatively, would that be possible for you to work from home on some days, so you don't have to travel to work every day? Moving closer to your workplace may also be an option, if possible. It is also not a bad idea to engage with EAP for your transition back to work.
I too have had times when I worked myself so hard that I got burnt out. Even though I was not diagnosed with anxiety/depression, I dreaded facing the day and going to work back then. Since I limited myself to work 9-5 during weekdays and took weekends off unless absolutely necessary, I have enjoyed work more and got more productive. I may not have offered much, but just to let you know that you are not alone. Hang in there:)

[MakeTheWorldABetterPlace]

Thank you both for your responses.
I appreciate your second message Paul. That's an excellent point about seeing my GP. He is much more available and accessible than my psychologist. My psychologist, she's lovely, but I do have to book three weeks ahead to see her.

Hope.for.the.best, thanks for taking the time to offer your thoughts. These are really good points.
Your completely right, the role definitely does/can offer a lot of flexibility. Throughout my honours, PhD and the first post-doctoral fellow position that I had (I've had 3 different post-doc positions in the first 2 years post-PhD) I did most of my work from home. Unfortunately, I struggled with insufficient self-discipline and would too easily become all-consumed by my research. For this reason, the flexibility was like a curse for me. I eventually found myself yearning for the 9-5 M-F structure. In this instance though I've just ended up staying at work after hours and coming in on the weekends etc...
Cutting back the hours of work to regular full-time hours or even part-time hours would help as well. It would also require me to have more self-discipline to avoid being paid for part-time hours but working full-time hours. Something which I found to be common among short-term casual research assistant jobs throughout my studies.
Moving closer to work is something I have been conflicted about. But you're right this would help. Financially, this isn't viable at the moment. But this is something I'm sure I will revisit in the future.
In brief, self-discipline seems to be something that I need to strengthen to protect myself. I've had some good supervisors and mentors that have been able to look out for me in this way. They've stopped me from taking on too much in the past, provided me time and space to pull myself back together when I have a mini mental crisis (nothing comparable to my recent experience though) and helped me to rejig things so that I can cope.
Engaging with the EAP is a good idea too. This isn't something I've taken up at this stage.
Enjoying work more and being more productive too really is the epitome of what I'd like to achieve in the end.
Thanks for your words of advice and support :).

[Hope_for_the_best]

When you say a lack of self-discipline, did you mean you lack the control to not work too hard? That's what I understand from your post. Your previous supervisors and colleagues were great in making sure that you did not overload yourself. Is there anyone who can do that at your current job? Sometimes, having an honest discussion with your supervisors may be helpful. You don't have to disclose in details that you are battling anxiety and depression. You can let them know that you have been working so hard that you burnt yourself out. You would need time to sort out your health and take small steps to return to work. Together, you can work out something that will benefit both parties, e.g. working from home and working half-days.
You can also get your family and friends to organise some activities over the weekends. It can be something as small as a lunch gathering and walking a dog. Not only does this help you relax, but also gives you reason to not work over the weekends. It is not a bad idea to let them know how you are doing, so they can watch out for you and make sure that you do take time off work.

[MakeTheWorldABetterPlace]

Hi Hope.for.the.best,
Yes, that's correct. I have tried to set boundaries with work in the past but I haven't been able to maintain them. It would be good if I had a supervisor or mentor who could help me out as you have described. Unfortunately for me, my supervisor has moved on to another position that has the prospect of an ongoing continuing appointment. My new supervisor is not very approachable even though I'm sure that they would claim otherwise.
I went out of the house and had lunch with my old PhD supervisor yesterday. I discussed this issue with him too. It was the first time I'd gone out for a while. It was hard at first, but it was great to see him. He is good to work with and he knows and understands my ups and downs and how to stop me from over doing it. In brief, he has offered me some part-time work which I can do at work or at home.
He also mentioned getting a dog. There have been a few articles about the benefits of owning a dog (e.g. companionship and physical activity) on the ABC website recently. It would also require me to live close to work and work regular or preferably part-time hours. Scheduled catch ups with friends and family would help too. Although, as much as I love my friends and family, I also like a lot of alone time too.
I have done a lot more in the last few days than I have done in the last few weeks. I have been more up and about. I will see how things transpire. But I'm feeling better about the prospect of easing back into things. At the moment though, I feel like getting by on part-time work would need to be the new normal. However, maybe as time passes and things change I will have greater stamina and resilience.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments and advice. Have a great weekend.

[blondguy]

Hi MTW

Thanks for taking the time to reply MTW !

I understand you about boundaries (with all respect to HopeForTheBest's helpful posts) as I have found setting boundaries can exacerbate my anxiety/depression. You are proactive with your health and that takes a ton of strength. This is the real objective....our career/work status will reflect the time and determination we place into our own well being...(just my opinion MTW)

When anxiety/depression is with us I dont have the mental strength to follow boundaries and just do what I can one day at a time....A 'tired mind' can sometimes have difficulty with striving for goals and setting limits

I hope you are having a reasonably okay weekend 🙂

my kind thoughts always

Paul