Advice wanted to deal with stressful situations to reduce anxiety & its negative effects

[Elizabeth CP]

I thought I was doing much better but while on a recent holiday I had a couple of stressful experiences which led to anxiety & my response seemed to make the situation worse. I tried discussing this with my psych yesterday but we didn't come up with anything I felt would help. He tried to reassure me that my response was normal given my previous history including PTSD.

We arrived at the airport after almost 24 hrs of travelling without sleep. Our luggage was lost. I had to report the loss which took ages & was stressful. By the time I arrived at the ship (we were going on a cruise) I felt really unwell sick, bloated, headache & all the symptoms of acute gastro. These physical symptoms left as soon as the luggage arrived 24 hrs later so was definitely caused by anxiety rather than a physical illness. The next day I walked into town to try to buy essentials including sunscreen & hat. I did think I should buy one spare set of clothes to tide me over but when I got to the shops I couldn't face looking for clothes to purchase. I eventually found sunscreen but gave up on everything else I needed. I returned to the ship feeling a complete failure. Any normal person would have been able to walk into the shops & buy what they needed. I seem to get overwhelmed when I feel things are out of control and seem to struggle in busy crowded places. Hot summer weather were there is a risk of getting sunburnt is a PTSD trigger for me hence sunscreen & sunhat were essentials!

The other situation I faced was at another port were we were delayed getting into port so the planned excursion was cancelled. As I expected to spend the time on the excursion I hadn't worried about researching the port & had no cash on me. On arrival at the port we were inundated by people offering different tours but all required cash & a decision needed to be made immediately so no chance to get to bank & take money out. I couldn't cope with the crowds & felt overwhelmed & unable to think clearly enough to make logical plans. In the end I took off & walked out of town feeling like a failure because my behaviour was sabotaging any chance of making the best of the situation. It was like I was saying my plans have been ruined so I'll make sure I have a terrible time & spoil it for my husband as well!!! The angry, overwhelmed feelings dominated me.

I can't change what happened on those days but I need to find ways to manage my anxiety better in the future when faced with other stressful situations.

[MarkJT]

Elizabeth, the use of the example of the pub can be crossed over on to so many other areas. Another one for me was getting used to public transport again. I developed a massive fear of trains (for some unknown reason!!). So to combat this, I got on a train (sweating bullets mind you and anxiety topping out), in the middle of the arvo so there was very few people on the train. Think of going only one station and then get off. Steadily increase the amount of stops until you get used to it again. I still don't like getting on packed trains but can make it part of my daily work life.

There are some key words in your posts and i think the most important one is when you are talking of making sure you are okay. I am really powerful on this because if you are not fine, how can you possibly care for someone else. We can still do this but the impact will be much greater on ourselves.

Sometimes we just have to get selfish and make sure our own backyards are nice and neat before worrying about others. Will add though sometimes we do not have a choice and we have to care for others and that is when the self care is all important.

Have you got any hobbies you can do that your hubby doesn't do? I like the idea of you have you time. Doing something, not for anyone else but you. I love doing that when i can. Sometimes i just sit in quietness and think. All good positive thoughts and thinking and stretching in pure quiet is so soothing.

Agree that breathing techniques to calm oneself down is ever crucial. I used an app at the start when my breathing techniques were pretty crap. For the most part they are pretty good but yes, keep practicing.

Mark.

[Pixie15]

Hello Elizabeth CP,

First up when you filled in the blanks of your story a bit more I was sitting here thinking what a marvellous person you are. You took your partner on a holiday despite the fact that they are blind and have a degenerative condition. It sounds like you are really trying to make the most of your time together.

I just thought I would mention a online resource if it is allowed "Mental Health Foundations" for carers. It can provide an understanding of the different stages of caring. I have found it very helpful.

Another thing I did when I started trying to do things by myself is really reflecting back on the things I liked to do when I was younger before my difficult relationship. I had to make myself do the things at first but because I had good memories to tap into I think it was easier to do familiar things than to try something absolutely new at first.

cheers.

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Mark & Pixie, I really appreciate your encouraging words. I think I need them on an ongoing basis I often start feeling motivated to change but then get caught up with things & everything slides. I'm currently feeling under the weather so can't do much at the moment.

Thanks for your kind words Pixie. I'm trying to give my husband some quality of life before it is too late. We both used to be quite adventurous & we both miss being free to do things without considering his condition.

[Elizabeth CP]

Sorry I seem to be all over the place. Not sure where I should be posting but this thread seems closest to the issue & I don't want to start another. In the last month I've been up & down. I seemed to be getting back on track & then went down again. I've been busy so to think through what to post is difficult so I often give up. I saw my psychologist last week who recommended spending at least 20min a day doing slow deep breathing & progressive relaxation to cope with the stress I'm experiencing. I agreed with him & know he is giving good advice. I've been too busy to do it which then makes me feel guilty for wasting his time. I've tried doing a little but not enough. Today I saw my psychiatrist who also agreed with the psychologist's advice. I just need to get my mind clear enough to be able to schedule it into my day until it becomes a habit. Sleep is an issue. I tried to get more sleep to reduce the tiredness & was starting to improve but have crashed again. My psych wants me to take a sleeping tablet once or twice a week to break the cycle. Fatigue leads to depression which leads to less sleep & anxiety & a vicious cycle. I should be coping better as I don't have any major problems but little things seem to add up & stop me getting on top of things. Even tonight I wanted a relaxing evening & early night as I was woken @ 5.30am by my son who lives overseas only to get a call from my other son asking if I could take him shopping as his car had broken down. Then he wanted me to pick up his son from school on Friday when I have something else on. My husband is struggling with a health issue which is making it very difficult to function. I need to take him back to the GP tomorrow. Last week was full of unscheduled extra demands from family members.

I have is difficulty switching off from worrying about others particularly if I can't help. My son was admitted to a psych ward for depression. Another close family member is struggling due to multiple problems. His wife isn't coping due to the worry & is constantly sick & unable to function due to the stress & the physical problems it causes, one adult child with a history of severe depression has relapsed due to the situation with her siblings Another child's wife is expecting a child who is likely to die or be seriously disabled & another child's wife has left with his children & causing lots of problems. It is easy to say not to worry but these are people who I care about.

[Guest_1055]

Hello Elizabeth,

Wow you have a lot happening there. I was even feeling a heaviness reading your words. You poor thing. Did it help at all just writing all that down? I have read that somewhere if you write all your worries down before you go to bed it may help you sleep. Just like release them all out.

And of course you care about your family members. You didn't ask for advice, so I hope it is okay to say. Elizabeth I believe you need to just take time out for yourself, even if it is a long soak in the bath say with Epsom salts or something. Do you believe you could do it? I am not sure of this, but it appears you are in need of some quiet calmness. Just to sort of recharge.

Anyway here is a virtual bath for you. It is a large deep green one. It is so large so you should be really able to float nice and calm like. The bathroom is just slightly lit by the moon shining in. The temperature of the water is just the way you like it. And there is even a large private window where you can see beautiful high mountains, if you care to look out. Almost looks like Switzerland. Just fresh, calming and beautiful. Hope you noticed the homemade soap there especially for you.......I am just taking care of you Elizabeth, like I would my own mum. And I am even happy to clean the bathroom after you have finished relaxing.

Elizabeth I am sorry as you seem so overloaded. The breathing sounds like a good idea too.

I hope you are able to just tune out from your circumstances, just for even a little while.

Shell xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Shell, You really have a way with word & thinking of the details which would help the individual. Pity my real bathroom doesn't have a view of the Swiss Alps. I am now remembering a place in New Zealand which we walked to years ago. There was a hut to sleep in & the toilet was perched on the edge of the cliff with the door facing mountains on the opposite side of the valley. We went just for the view.

I haven't had a bath for years. The bath where we live now has only been used by the grandkids but maybe I should make time one evening to use it. As long as noone rings to ask me for help!!!!

Today I am feeling very tired even though I slept in. I took my husband back to the GP & he is feeling better but still feeling the effects of the treatment he was given.

I welcome any advice or encouragement. I think the psych visit pulled me down a bit because we were discussing everything going wrong so bringing all the negative to the fore.

[Elizabeth CP]

Sorry I need to vent!!!! I don't want to complain too much to my husband as I don't want him to feel bad. The rest of my family have left & I have got the house back into order at least enough to cope with. My son helped to clear up before he left but his kids were getting feral so he needed to go.

I have been feeling tired & had a headache for several days since my husband went to hospital for day surgery. He has been tired & not his usual self since probably due to the sedation & discomfort from the procedure. Maybe this has made me stressed even though I know everything went OK. Today I'd arranged for the family to visit for my daughters birthday. I thought I had the morning to get things organised. Early this morning I was woken up by my SIL to say my FIL is deteriorating & doctors can't do anything to help so family should visit. We got up & went to the hospital after breakfast Lots of family were outside waiting to see him. We spent a bit of time with him before he asked to have time alone with someone else. Unfortunately this brings back memories of my parent's deaths where I was unable to see them before they died. My dad died on the way home from an appointment & mum died while I was overseas. Last year my MIL died after being totally incapacitated for a year so that was very difficult to watch. Her death was a relief in the end.

One son arrived before lunch cooked lunch then left with his wife to see his grandad while I cleared up & babysat his kids with my daughter. Later my daughter arrived with her children & then left her kids so she could visit her grandad. By the time my other son arrived with his kids it was bedlam with kids stuck inside due to the weather me trying to get food cooked & grandkids upset because they were left or couldn't do what they wanted or they were tired or whatever. I ended up using the cooking & kitchen as an excuse to escape as I couldn't cope. I love my grandkids but I prefer having things organised beforehand otherwise I just get stressed & overwhelmed. One DIL is a perfectionist & I feel I can never reach her standard or that of my younger daughter. She would never say anything bad to me & she offers to help so it is me & my thoughts which are the problem. My other DIL is very different & doesn't fit in with the family. I find her difficult to be around. The meal was fine but I just feel exhausted from everything which has happened.

[Guest_1055]

Oh Elizabeth, that does sound like an absolutely exhausting time you have had. And I am sorry about the memories that rose to the surface about you not seeing your dad and mum before they passed away.

Did it help at all venting it all out? Maybe you don't feel so overloaded now?? I hope so....

You certainly have a lot of things happening and a whole bunch of people that love you there Elizabeth even if it is a bit feral and wild at times. Quite adventurous I think your family is and definitely not boring.

A saw a scene in a movie once where the woman was feeling overwhelmed with the coming and goings of her family. And amongst all the busy and noisy happenings she lifted up her large apron right over her head. She had made like a little private retreat right there amongst everyone. The hiding under the apron gave her a little time to herself where she could simply tune out from what was happening around her. Sort of refresh herself a bit. I cannot quite remember but I think when the family saw her do this, they knew she just needed a little breathing space. And also knew she would soon return back to them.

I do hope you will have a restful sleep tonight Elizabeth. And that your hubby will too. And I am sorry about your father in law, are you glad you saw him?

And Happy Birthday to you daughter...

Shell xx

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Shell, It was nice to feel someone listening & understanding without judging me. I do enough judging of myself!!!! We will go back to see my FIL today. There has been no new messages on my phone so hopefully things are OK. It was good to see him but a bit difficult as he was quite grumpy Not happy with his treatment.

Your example of hiding behind the apron was like me hiding in the kitchen telling my DIL to go back to the lounge. I just needed to hide & be alone & try to get some control. Later she came back & insisted on making the topping for the crumble so 'I could relax" I stayed in the kitchen but things were a bit calmer so I could cope. Later after everyone else left I spoke to her & thanked her for her help & explained why I had needed to be alone for a while. She was good about it. She is a good DIL even if I always feel inferior to her.

You are right about my feral, non-boring & adventurous family. I got a short time after everyone one else with my oldest son & family which gave me time to be a bit silly with my grandkids. That was nice. I had missed the chance to spend much time with the others as it was so hectic.

[Elizabeth CP]

It looks like a difficult time ahead as my FIL has now refused any treatment including oxygen so he is struggling to breathe. I need to take my husband to the hospital so he can visit as much as possible. It is quite intense as family members are all stressed & upset so I feel useless as I can't help. Hopefully death will come quick so he can be free of the pain & discomfort he is in.