Acceptance of anxiety, a first step

[Larnzi]

Hi All,

I was officially diagnosed with anxiety a week ago after years & years of a loud overthinking overanalysing mind with behaviour towards others that made no sense but I have learned was a response to my fear which is losing people from my life because they don't like me anymore & being lonely.

I had a breakthrough a few days ago & it was DAMN HARD realising it. I realised that there have been some people over the years I have been particularly drawn too for some reason or another,usually because they are happy & positive people but because I was so scared of losing them I would become too clingy, waaay too nice & just too full on I guess. It's not easy recognising your faults. I've had a crap week because of it because I have realised the people I have hurt or made feel uncomfortable & for me, someone who shows kindness & care to those I care about, that was a hard to accept.

So I took a big step, I decided to apologise & try to make amends with those people as a form of trying to accept it & start a new blank book, so to speak. One conversation was probably the hardest I have ever had in my life. I bared all. I said all my faults. I explained what is going on in my head 24/7. I even said that sometimes I would rather have some other disease that can be cured rather than this one that messes with your head. I took blame for screwing things up & misreading what I thought was a friendship, instead I was seen as a work colleague. I won't lie, it hurt, A LOT hearing that. I guess I can expect that things will be awkward for a while because I made them feel uncomfortable around me but I feel better for admitting the truth & my fault. I don't know if it is possible but I just hope that one day the awkwardness between us will disappear & we can go back to talking our normal crap that we talk, just without my assumed "friends" tag. I have missed our talking crap so much.

Here I am a couple days later & I still feel the guilt for making someone feel the way I did. I know me starting that conversation was courageous but I feel so far from that at the moment.

I know it's not "my" fault & I didn't choose to have my head wired with anxiety, I know it was anxieties fault but it's still hard to accept.

[Rhu]

Hi Larnzi,

Thanks for sharing that with us. Anxiety is really a nasty thing isn't it? We don't choose it but when it happens, bam! Life is never the same again.

You're right, accepting it is the first step to overcoming it. When I first started having anxiety issues, I tried to bury my head in the sand and I basically was in denial for a long time. I only started to seek help when it started to affect my work badly a few months ago. Somehow talking about it to someone else and openly acknowledging my issues, and coming here onto Beyond Blue has made it so much better. Talking about your fears and anxieties with others who are in the same position really can work wonders.

All the best to you.

Rhu

[Larnzi]

Hi Rhu,

I agree with you about burying tour head in the sand, I think that is such an easy thing to do when you start to realise there may be a problem & it's probably more about the fear of people not understanding & the stigma. It is always interesting hearing other peoples experiences with things & does it mean that acceptance being the first step or hurdle to get past means that if you can get through that then you can get through the rest?

I find talking to people really good and helpful too, but then I worry that I am overloading or putting it on others too much & my psychologist agreed I need to be careful with this given my fears. It's hard. Sometimes all you need is a good vent & someone positive and with rational thoughts to say "hey what about this view" but then you need to weigh up how much ypu put on others. I have told people that I am happy to talk abput it all & they can ask me questions & I came into work this morning & one of my colleagues asked me "how are you feeling today?" - I can't tell you how much being asked that meant to me.

I hope your search in help is going well and you a reaping the rewards & finding it is starting to help. I really wish ypu all the best, it isn't easy but we will get there.

Have a great rest of the day.

Larnzi

[Rhu]

Hi Larnzi,

Yeah I've always seen acceptance/acknowledgement of the issue that's the big first step. Accepting that something isn't right tends to be a good motivator to force you into seeking help - at least that's the case with me. I often find that people who live in denial of their problems will rarely seek help or try to find a solution.

Sounds like you're surrounded by understanding and kind people - good for you! It's lovely to know that your friends/colleagues understand your position and are willing to help you through it. You're right, anxiety is hard but having a good support network and a positive attitude can make all the difference.

I wish you all the best too!

Rhu