Worried About a Friend and *Their* New Friend

[Yes And No]

Dug up my old account to post here, but I felt like it was necessary, considering I just had the biggest panic attack of my life over what is probably nothing.

The story is that I went out with a few friends a couple of days ago to celebrate finishing Year 12 classes and moving into the exam periods. This group included my ex partner, who I'll call Mio. While we were out we met with a guy in his mid 20s who was very friendly to us, I'll call him N.

From the start, I got incredibly bad vibes from N, I can't explain why but something about him was just... off. Nothing I could put a name to, but he made me feel really weird. He stuck with us for a few hours and acted generally friendly to the rest of the group, but I noticed that he was sticking around Mio the most out of everyone. Mio, being the friendly person they are, really took a liking to N, and they kept getting pulled away from the rest of the group to spend more time with him than the rest of us did.

That was the first red flag, but then I mentioned in passing conversation that Mio was the only person in the group that was yet to turn 18, and Noah specifically asked to clarify whether I meant they were 17 or 19. I asked if they found N creepy, but they didn't seem to notice anything.

The panic set in tonight, however, when I found out that N had found Mio's social accounts, since they had mentioned their username that they use for their socials in conversation. Not only did this creep me out, since he didn't get anybody else's socials, but it also caused immediate concern. I don't know what it is but basically every survival instinct I have kicked in and was telling me to run. I was shaking severely, struggling to breathe, and had a sick feeling purely because Mio was talking to N this late at night (it currently being 3:13AM as I'm writing this).

My problem is that I'm very protective of my friends, and I'm worried that I'm just being overprotective, or a jealous ex-boyfriend, but I find it weird that a 24-26 year old man would go out of his way to hunt down and talk to a 17 y/o AFAB NB person. I don't know what it was, but something set off a trigger and every alarm bell in my body is going off at once, am I insane? Overprotective? Jealous? Rational? A combination of the other 4? I really don't know. I can't even ask about him or about what's going on because I risk sounding creepy or jealous to my ex, but I can't stand by and do nothing. What do I do next?
Thanks for the help in advance, YesandNo.

[Scared]

At this point you do nothing.

Because at this point I cant see anything wrong.   Just keep an eye on things until something other than instinct tells you different.  Being overprotective and meddling in others lives is a fine line between the two. If you do or say anything at this point you may come across as the problem person the very thing you are trying to warn your friend about.  Also true friendships allow others in the group you belong to forge their own friendships and not necessarily with you.   As uni or work starts you and your friends will meet new people to hang out with.   This is how life evolves naturally.  So for now be a supportive friend until hard evidence arises that says different

[sbella02]

Yes and No, welcome back. I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation. It can be difficult being a bystander when your friend is in a situation that feels wrong.

I'll preface this by saying that I'm just going off what you have said:

I don't think your reaction is misplaced, from what you've said. It is odd for a 24-26 year old to want to "hang out" with somebody who's about five to seven years younger than them. I'm in my early twenties and anyone under 18/19 seems so young to me, so a friendship would feel very strange. 

If you feel that something is off, it probably is. Intuition about those kinds of things tends to be right. Our bodies are better at passive perception than we think. Once again, I'm just basing this off of what you have said - it could very well be wrong, but I would still be cautious, particularly about how you approach it if you plan on expressing your concerns.

What you could do if you don't want to intrude directly is to ask your friends who have met this person what they thought, if you haven't already. Just make them aware that you're uncomfortable regardless, and they may be more attuned to things that don't look or feel right with him. 

If you're worried about your 17yo friend and would like to say something, you could have a chat with them privately and raise your concerns in an open and non-confrontational/non-accusatory way. Not saying that this is a situation of grooming (I don't want to make assumptions), but often in situations where adults with sinister intentions are talking to minors, the latter won't necessarily know or understand what's going on. It may feel normal to them. Raising your concerns in a subtle way reminds them that the moment something feels off, they can come to you.

Scared has raised a good point in the post before me, in that there is a fine line between raising your concerns and meddling, and there's a chance that your friend could be defensive if you say anything, which is why it's important to approach any conversations with them in a gentle way.

How are you feeling about the situation now? Feel free to keep chatting with us, we're here to support you.

Take care, SB

[Yes And No]

Hi SB, I really appreciate you checking in, I've found out more about the whole deal in a conversation with Mio about it since I posted this that has made me feel better about the situation, but I still don't trust N.

1. Mio's socials were not "hunted down", there was an exchange between them and N, as well as another friend, which means that he didn't only get their username, making me feel like this was less targeted.

2. N is 23-24, still not an ideal age range but lower than my original estimations.

3. N has expressed interest in meeting up with everybody again, which again makes me feel like this is less targeted at Mio.

4. And this is the one that concerns me, Mio's been talking to N daily since we first met him.

I expressed my concern to Mio about the situation and they said that it's just my reaction to meeting older people for the first time outside of a school environment and that this is "totally normal" and "how people make friends." I mentioned that N's age was a bit creepy and I asked if he's been weird at all, a bit too forward I know but I really don't want my friend to come to harm. I then expressed my wish for them to "stay safe" and Mio's only response to that was that they appreciate the concern, but I shouldn't "treat them like they were 12" and that "[they're] smarter than [I] think." This language is starting to concern me because I was told that they "really enjoy talking to him" and they've "actually got to know him." These messages gave me such an apprehensive, disgusting feeling that I can't actually explain but I just feel like something's off.

My intuition is still setting my bloody nerves on fire, I feel like I'm unable to sit still without taking the time to calm myself because I'm so worried about my friend's wellbeing. N wants to meet up with us as a group again at some point, but I fear that it's just an excuse to get close to Mio. Regardless of what I say, they're adamant that this is a normal thing and that I'm acting like an overprotective parent, which then makes me think that this is an issue with needing to be 'mature'? I don't know how to act, how to think, or how to feel, but the one thing I do know is that I absolutely, positively do not like this, and I can't see this going in any kind of positive direction.
Thanks again for your assistance and for checking in, YesandNo.

[sbella02]

YesandNo,

From what you've said here, it seems like it may not necessarily be targeted towards your friend, but if you're still feeling uncomfortable and that something doesn't feel quite right, your concerns may still be justified. As much as your friend may be very intelligent, there is a certain level of awareness about these kinds of situations that is often far more visible to those outside of it than those in it, which also improves as you get older and start to see more of the world. 

I suppose there's nothing else you can really say to your friend to warn them further. If you feel like you can have another conversation with them you could, but from what you've said, it sounds like they've made up their mind about it already and you've done your best in terms of trying to help them be cautious. At the end of the day, so long as they're now aware of your thoughts and if they knows that their friends would be there for them if something does happen to go wrong, I think that's all you may be able to do. 

You're a good friend for looking out for people. 

SB