where to from here?

[John_P]

Hello.

I am feeling very lost. I try to hide it but i have been feeling like this for 2 years.

2 years ago my ex broke up with me. It was a shock and just left without any reasoning. That's usually cool, but we were about to get married and NO-ONE saw the breakup coming. What is was left with was me blaming myself, but in reality it is probably nothing i could have done different. ( i tried my best and friends told me not to worry).

As i moved states to live with her, my only network was her and her family and friends. I found it very hard to move on as i am a 1 woman man, and i just couldnt move back home as it meant closure.

In the last 2 years i have had to fend for myself, i have become a womaniser-sleeping with a lot of woman and dating many women (where before-i was the sweet loyal fun loving boyfriend type) i have moved a couple of jobs, find it extremely hard to let people in as a friendship. I have developed an unhealthy habbit of looking up erotic material on the internet dailt.

Over the past 8 months i am dating a girl that i really really like and she loves me. She is an angel and realy a catch but i am finding it hard to emotionally commit to her- (its complicated because she plans to move overseas for 2 years and then come back to be with me). In my alone time I cry relentlessly. I have emotional freak outs. My mind goes back in flashabacks to my failed relationship and all the people i lost whilst in that relationship. I have this constant throbbing in my head.

I dont know weather to do a long relationship or just move back home with my friends and family?

Also I dont know is wrong with my emotions, wellbeing-flashbacks- do i have PTSD? depression? I find it hard to see any positives in life despite my career success and this new amazing woman.

[geoff]

Hi John, 

How times change us and it has for you, however, having to wait 2 years before she returns means that a lot of things can happen within that time.

Either one of you could find someone else in that time and you can't be assured that you will remain single, 2 years is a long time, there can not be a guarantee no matter how much you love her, or vice-versa, or she may decide to remain overseas.

As you 'cry relentlessly' when you're alone the chances of staying single are likely that you will want to have company, and it's not fair to promise that you will be waiting for her.

What you have told us is that you may have PTSD, although I'm not qualified to say, only a doctor can diagnose you and it would be a good idea to book an appointment.

They then may wat to prescribe medication and refer you onto a psychologist, this can be paid by Medicare for the first 10 sessions, which you can get per year.

How long before she leaves, maybe she might decide not to go because she's in love with you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[John_P]

hello. thank you for your feedback....

Another discussion topic is....after we go through a tough life experience. that we get hurt.....and we put ourselves in the emotional dungeon of loss and grief...and our mind wants us to remain there......and thinks it will be there forever......how do we short curcuit this response???

e.g ME: people that go through a breakup...believe they are not worthy and then put themselves into positions of not being worthy-eith with abusive partners or situations that wont work out....also im a little messy ( no dirty) but cant seem to live in a organised home environment ( bed made. clothes not on floor)

OR......people that are overweight and try to loose weight but fail in the medium term because being overweight is their identity..........people that fail and fail and fail but dont learn from their failings........why does our brain do this and how to short circuit the process???

[geoff]

Hi John, I'm sorry I'm late in replying back to you, but you ask a good question, people fail and don't learn because they have no self esteem, always believing that someone knows better than they do, they have no confidence, they don't believe anyone will ever accept their way of thinking.

People may have their way of succeeding, but others never feel as though it can ever happen, so they stay in a negative mind frame which also leads to them believing they will fail.

If you are unable to get past all of these unhelpful thoughts then it's impossible to overcome this hurt which in turn makes you believe you are a failure.

This is why we all need help to convince us that we can move forward and it can be done, because a man entrenched in his own failures can be pulled out, it only takes courage.

Please get back to me when you can.

Geoff.

[John_P]

thanks. its so true. its a cycle of bad thoughts that result in bad actions. then you actually see the world in a different way. a bad way....we get so caught up with something bad someone said about us. and we ponder on it. but its just one persons thought at that time. our mind only picks the bad comment and lets it define us.......we have to struggle to create and control your own dialog in our minds....so hard to do....i have been dling mindfullness sessions which are helping me a lot. 10 mins a day.....i am also doing a wellness program soon.

my next question: steps on how to create focus and a vision for the future which motivates me????

[John_P]

Also: Why do we indulge in bad habbits and why does our brain continue to indulge in bad things that don't heal us? drugs. alcohol. adult material. gaming. sex. etc.

how do we break the cycle of these bad habbits?

[geoff]

Hi John, well we indulge in bad habits because we seem to be rewarded by doing so, so for example, if you feel down or even happy you want to have a drink to try and cheer yourself up or because you want to go to that extra step of enjoying yourself even further to find the comfort we are looking for.

If other people are doing the same thing, then it must be okay for us to do it as well, so
it’s not too difficult to find socially acceptable bad habits, so how can we break this, well it depends on what we are trying to stop.

Stress can be the main trigger to a bad habit, so what has developed this habit in the first place, difficult times, wanting to feel at ease or be happy or to get you out of an awkward situation.

If we have a failed marriage/relationship we tend to want something that will help us through, but it may have to be straight away, so we drink or take drugs and these take an incredible amount of help to stop them.

I have to go out now but will get back to you, sorry.

Geoff.

Some are legal while others aren't, while others are expensive and some not, I say this as people maybe addicted to

[John_P]

thankyou Geoff.

I understand your point. Its a temporary fix that we know will make us feel better now. doing bad things. but our mind doesnt see tge consequences of the bad habbit because it makes us feel good.

I have also noticed that with depression when symptoms reduce we think we are ok. but we are 1 step away from going back into that hole....its an ongoing maintenance-mental health....

or is it we believe or our kind tricks us that we are in a hole but we are not actually in one.....is it all about perceptions???? e.g. poor people around the would are usually very happy with a basic life. where as trust fund kids are depressed.....why is that???

is struggle and overcoming goals the key to a healthy mindset?

[geoff]

Hi John, I apologise for the last two lines in my previous reply I forgot to delete it.

We see film clicks on telly where poor people o/s may seem to be OK, except for the ads wanting us to donate, but in reality when they live with a leader who controls everything then the people are denied food donated and supplies are withheld by the person controlling the country, there are those who suffer.

We never know how many of these people are depressed, nor do we know how many people who pretend to be OK are also depressed, I'm sure the percentage would be high.

There are those who drink and use drugs to cope with every day life but don't seek medical help.

As we grow we learn what's right and what's wrong, and gain experience by what we do and overcome these hurdles that may stop us from knowing what's best for us, and yes along the way it's not easy to do everything right, so we keep learning every day.

Our mind can play tricks making us believe we're OK but all it takes is one small little thing to happen and then we may fall back into the hole, that's why we need to know our trigger points, so it's always best to do this with a counsellor.

Keep asking me any questions you want to.

Geoff.

[John_P]

Hello.

So the new year is here. I thought i would reflect on the first month of January19. What i have learnt: Once a door shuts----CLOSE IT SHUT and dont do anything to possibly kep it open. One door closes another opens. But i realised i like to keep doors open, especially when it was closed out of my control....But i have learnt to close the door shut in life (job, relationship, problem etc.)

Also, declutering my life is worthwile. Living more simply declutters my life but also my mind. I have chucked lots of stuff into the rubish.

Also, i am trying to less reliant all the time on technology. I work on the computer everyday. I am on my phone. on my xbox. etc. I bough a non smart phone and i will try to use it.

I am also moving back home to adelaide with friends and family. I am realising that the secret to happiness is connection with the right people. being and keeping connected is important.

my anxiety is still there, but i am managing it (i think).

What next question? when we were once really really happy, and then its gone, how do you re-find that? But more importantly, convince yourself that this new found happines is the best happiness you have ever had?