What's wrong with me

[SadnLonelyeh]

I'll give a brief summary of my situation. I'm 15, I have been abused and abondoned all my life from early childhood. currently I live with my mum and her boyfriend who is very not nice to me but she says it's my fault and I provoked it no matter what I say I WILL cop it from him, I am really depressed, anxious and angry on the inside, I can go from being distant and nothing can make me upset, happy or anything its just nothing basically. Too being very sensitive and crying which I actually like because I feel somewhat human but anyway I go to an alternative school which I don't like much and I would prefer to be alone. I feel very stuck, Their is no such thing as a good day for me anymore, Happiness doesn't exist anymore, I'm scared to do simple things like going outside, going to the shops, Socializing etc. I go to therapy which I have been for a couple of years but I don't even talk about things there and I often fake my mood like I do a lot of the time, I feel very guilty and I just don't see an end to this, I won't say anymore but I want some advice, I go to therapy because I can talk for a bit but If I don't even say anything worth talking about It seems pointless but letting someone know the things I really think and feel and things Ive seen is just unimaginable and I'm scared because when I was in grade 8 my therapist took what I said completely out of context and thought I was in danger which was stressful to me because I wasn't, I have been admitted before but I don't want to be admitted again it wasnt fun to put it nicely. Anyway this is getting too long so I just want to know what I should do or some advice.

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[white knight]

Hi Sadn, welcome here and I'm glad you posted.

I'm 59yo. Got a daughter 26yo. Been married first time for 11 years, lived with a woman for 10 years with her son and daughter etc. So I've got a lot of experience on this topic of step children.

The problem with the step family situation is, as in your case, your mum fell in love with her man but you didn't. This means (sorry to say this but I'm trying to help), her man feels you are in the way...or at least he is acting that way. The first thing to say about that is- this situation isn't your fault. So don't feel bad. It is sad that your mum is siding with her man but I can tell you truly, her situation here is worse than yours because she is wedged in the middle. She is torn between both of you and loves both of you totally differently. So what are the positive things you can do about yourself?

Firstly- being busy. This means finding and embracing a hobby or sport. Once you find such an interest all it to overtake your mind, commit yourself to it and soon you will feel a number of things. From feeling better and more fulfilled to being less focussed on how your step dad is flooding your life. Another thing is your education...spend more time in your room studying. Sounds bad eh? But it will lead you to greater things, better marks and a better future and again it will separate you from your mum and step dad. I find that when I cant satisfy others my question to them is "what do you want me to do"? They will tell me...then I do it and that should be the end of it. If not I ask them to write it down, their instructions and keep it handy eg chores or other things. A white board is a cheap and good idea. Ask them to write on it when ever they want something done etc.

My daughter, when she was 12-17yo couldn't do anything right in the eyes of my girlfriend. Then she went to uni and got out of the home. She was a good teenager believe me. She never was allowed pocket money. Her step mother insisted on that so I slipped her money regularly. Get the picture?  So I felt in a bind. Eventually this fierce behaviour by my GF ended our relationship. But it wasn't overnight. It was hard.

If you can move into an aunties house I would think about it. If you can get part time work I would. This wont only separate you more from your home but it will advance you in so many ways.

A change is like a holiday.

Tony WK

[Narniakid]

Hey SadnLonelyeh and welcome to the forums, thank you for sharing with us.

I am so sorry to hear you've had such a difficult time, I am sure the BB moderators are helping you greatly. Take what Tony said on board - consider moving out of home if you can. One of my close friends who came  from a rough family life has recently moved in with her aunt and uncle, and she has managed to turn her life around; she got a job, she's on her way to getting her license, and she's studying a course. Turns out all she needed was a change in environment and her motivation came back almost straight away.

I also strongly recommend taking up a hobby as a distraction - I do lots of volunteer work, art, reading and take free short courses online. Consider joining a sporting team, class or some sort of extra curricular activity - anything that sparks your interest. Not only is it refreshing to try something new, it's a wonderful way to keep yourself busy instead of being at home sinking into a depressive state. Art therapy is great for getting out all those internal feelings and emotions, as well as keeping a diary, which I would suggest you take along to your sessions.

The most important thing to remember is that you won't feel like this forever. You're in a tough situation, but it's up to you to make a change. And I have every bit of faith in you. Keep your chin up 🙂

Crystal

[Lori]

Hi SadnLonelyeh,

Firstly i would like to just say how proud i am of you for reaching out on the forums. I am so very sorry to hear about the hard times that your experiencing and the experiences that you have already had. 

I understand that your mum's partner isn't a very nice person towards you, have you thought about changing your living environment ? like do you have another family member you could possibly live with ? because you don't deserve to be treated horribly in your own home where you are meant to feel safe and happy.

Depression and Anxiety can definitely have that horrible affect of where you don't want to leave the house see anyone or go anywhere, but at those hard times is where you need to try and push yourself.. just a little though not to much. Test your Anxiety challenge your Depression and keep pushing forward. Don't let anyone control your life especially your mum's partner.

It's great that you are going to therapy i am so glad to hear that because its sounds like you need someone supportive and someone who is willing to listen to you and help you. Don't pretend, be yourself show your emotions let people know how your feeling and hopefully people will see the hurt and start treating you better but with the therapist your seeing absolutely use the support you have tell her everything you want heard.. that is what they are there for.

You are doing a really great job, your a very strong person and keep pushing forward, goodluck and keep in touch!

-Lori 🙂