What am I doing with my life?

na_cl · ‎12-08-2015

In high school, I started developing social anxiety to extreme extent. Other kids would make fun of me all the time. People would even hit me. When teacher asks me questions, I would just sit quiet as everyone stares at me. I couldn't even say hi to anyone. You know in movies. there's at least someone who is there for you, but I was all alone. I was that kid who sat alone in corners, that kid who everyone makes fun of, that kid who had no one to support, that kid who always works alone, that kid who has no Facebook, twitter and other social networks because I had no one to add, that someone who only has family in phone contact. Seemed I'm the only one like this in this world Teacher and my parents would worry but nothing could be done.

With high school over now, I did make it for Uni. I thought I could reset my life but still I carried that social anxiety from 5 years ago. I couldn't say hi to students and lecturers, couldn't even speak a counsellor. No one would want to partner with me, even if I was placed in a group, I'd get ignored. This Uni life is so bland that I started skipping classes. Now I'm failing almost every subject. All I have in this life is my parents. I couldn't tell them. I don't want to worry them. What do I do? Can't even talk in job interviews or a counsellor or anyone.

What am I doing with my life? Why am I even writing these? Who am I? I don't even know. All I want is to be normal like others. I would let myself go than to live like this for the rest of my life. They say there's good and bad in life but I've been having bad life since I was born. What do I hope to get by writing these? Sympathy? Hope? Maybe someone? I don't know how to escape this hell. Let myself go? I'm too scared. I can't seek help. Would help seek me? or drown me in loneliness?

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white knight · ‎12-08-2015

Hi welcome here

Lost? is it any wonder with us humans. Let's first examine what its like to not be lost.

Those are the people that grew up with confidence (for whatever reason), content within their own skin, easy for them to communicate and "connect" with others. Security...within themselves, lucky them. Unlucky for others.

The unlucky ones have a challenge on their hands. You cant enter a store to buy confidence like among other things like medication to stop worrying or a face change. We are here with what we have and so the very first step is to find ways to accept that before we can move on to other important challenges.

So what 'power' do we have to accept ourselves? 1996 wasn't a good year for me nor my little family of a wife and two young children. My then wife of 11 years kept putting me down and abuse was common from her to me. Abuse meaning silence, silence used as a weapon is an effective weapon in the hands of some people. After we split I ended up in a 3 metres caravan in a caravan park. Every day after my security shift I'd have a ritual...stare into a mirror and repeat the words "Tony, you are a good man, a good father and you deserve a life of happiness and confidence". I felt like a goose. Within 3 months I purchased a block of land, 6 months later began to erect my own home and build it using my own hands, 8 months later moved in....and a few nights later had my young daughters over for their first sleep in my new home. After they fell asleep I had a celebration. Then went to that mirror and congratulated myself. The feeling of wonder and success was overwhelming.

Mind you my then ex wife, although I paid all child support required, wrote to the agency to complain..."he is living in a new home and I'm in an old house so he should pay more child support". Her application was denied.

There is an element of truth to the saying "you make your own luck". It is a case of widening your scope of possibilities. If you are really down, which you are, my reaction is to suggest that you consider all options to see how things go. eg move to the country to find work, place education on hold, examine all hobby and sport options, choose a footy club.

Life can be so wonderful but depression doesn't allow us to see it...you need to be introduced to that wonder. Google "youtube prem rawat maharaji sunset". also "the perfect instrument" find what I've found. Seek a chat with your GP. The answer is right there in front of you

Tony WK

BKYTH · ‎12-08-2015

White Knight gave you some good advice. I think hearing Prem Rawat would be useful. There are many wise people in this world whose views and attitudes can be of great value in one's difficulty in 'being'. I am very attracted to the teachings of the Buddha although I am not a Buddhist. These suggestions may sound odd to you but, for some, the most ordinary of things is a challenge and we are obliged to work to establish ourselves in this world and to light the light that gives us a path through the darkness - And in this you are not "alone". Come to understand that there is no 'normal' in life. Everyone struggles in one way or another. Normality may be seem as conformity and not offer liberation or what you might suppose it does. Many Psychological studies have shown that ones view or sense of oneself is largely subjective and inconsistent with who we actually are, that is, that how we view ourselves is largely inconsistent with our behaviour. I am much older than you and the question you pose "Who am I" is one I have posed all my life an still ask without any longer desiring an answer. See your GP. If you "Can't seek help" then challenge that statement and substitute "won't" for "can't" and consider the difference in the two statements. If you want sympathy or hope then I, and I'm sure others, would offer this but that in itself won't help your situation. Only you can answer the questions that you ask. Get help. Its everywhere when you begin to look. You know why you are "writing this". Go further - If you feel "too scared" them let that be the opening assertion you make to someone who can help you - Only you can drown yourself in loneliness. Act, Don't think. Regards. Philip.

Narniakid · ‎12-08-2015

Hi na_cl, welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing with us.

I am sorry to hear you're feeling like this - I remember feeling like this myself at one stage in my life. And there's a good chance I'd still be in that position if I didn't seek help.

It sounds like you're dealing with a self identity crisis. What I encourage you to do is to try something new, push yourself to new experiences, don't let that fear hold you back. Take up a sport, a new hobby, join a club or take a short course. Anything that sparks your slight interest.

I also urge you to visit your GP for a professional diagnosis and to see what treatment is avaliable to you. This depression and anxiety you're feeling is more than just a chemical imbalance, it has been triggered from social and environmental factors. Keep a diary of your feelings and thoughts, and each day's events, and take that in with you. This will help the specialist recognise negative thinking patterns and certain behaviours that can be reversed.

Mostly importantly, please don't give up. You won't feel like this forever, but remember that anxiety thrives on avoidance; nothing will change if you don't.

Crystal

life

Steve22 · ‎18-08-2015

Hey na_cl, I definitely know what it's like to be the victim of bullying. I was routinely picked on day in, day out. I too was basically on my own in my school days, not many liked me. I found out a long time ago, that being alone is actually beneficial. When your alone, there is no one to distract and side track you from getting things done. What about writing down some goals and how to achieve them?. Every morning, I write up what's called a 'Run Sheet', a list of all activities needing be completed in the day. It helps me get moving and to focus on the tasks at hand. First thing's first, take the ute to the servo and throw in $60 of petrol into it. Then do a 'tip run', stop by the metal recyclers etc etc. By keeping yourself busy and on the go, it's very effective in helping you to achieve goals and preventing you from getting bored and upset. We all go through bad times, it's part of life. But we only live once, have to make the best of life. Having a strong, strategic game plan helps immensely. Understand what needs to be done, how to take care of it and when to. I hope that helps mate