Venting about feeling consistently apathetic towards life

[demon_cat]

Hey everyone!!

I've always been a lurker so this will be my first post. I'm a 22 year old gorl, recently graduated from Bachelor of Science, applied to and accepted an honours offer and aiming to be a psychologist. Which should be exciting but I don't really care and don't have any happiness towards it. Just "oh, that's neat". I chose psychology bc yes, I am interested in and an advocate for mental health, but also bc I got good grades for it so "why not". I think I'd be okay if I also didn't go through with it all, I've never been highly ambitious about my future and I don't think it'll change.

I think these feelings exacerbated as I worked more days a week, with 8 or 12 hour shifts. The reality of the cycle solidified in my head. I have to constantly work in order to live. A dumb thought and complaint, but the concept tires me. I work to make money so I can relax from the work. I know it's possible to enjoy the job you have but, once an activity becomes a source of income, I lose the joy that it might have previously brought. With this mindset, I don't have the need for ambition or motivation to do great things or to make great accomplishments as some of my friends do, I just need a steady source of income. Money means a lot to me but also nothing at all simultaneously, it'd be great if I had a lot, but just enough is fine.

I don't know if this is concerning or not, bc I don't think it's causing any significant distress impacting my life. But it would be better if I went through with life feeling more okay than meh and more energised than tired, right? My mental health has its ups and downs like everyones. I've experienced social anxiety and OCD-like symptoms across the years, and even struggled with some suicidal ideation/thoughts (which have since passed). Those have dulled down a fair bit and now I'm just going through the motions of life bc it's expected and I'm just existing, you know?

I like to believe that I'm fulfilled in other areas. I think I have a good support system and great friends. I have a few hobbies though I rarely stay committed to one. I learnt how to accept my body through the concept of body neutrality, which might also say something. In conclusion, idk, are these just the effects of living in a capitalist society lol. Thank you if you listened to my meaningless rant all the way through, it was a very long one so I appreciate it.

[white knight]

Hi and welcome, I'm glad you posted.

It isnt easy to put my finger on the core of your problem so if my guesses might not be accurate.

I've had approx 90 jobs and 15 professions, a result of impulsivity, bipolar etc. I've had various hobbies to. What I've found is that some people go through life without an important "driver"... a passion/s. The old saying "when your job is your hobby, you'll never work a day in your life" rings true. As a very inquisitive person I ended up in my dream profession of PI. I ran my own business alone with little human contact, elusiveness was my aim. That led to expanding a little in different directions in the same profession which satisfied me greatly like tracking down fraudulent people, evidence gathering or missing persons. So exciting. In contrast to security stuck on a boom gate in all weather 12 hour shifts where I was just existing as you described.

So I understand your plight. It's very common. Such "mere existence" in a job for some is ok mas they wait for their living to resume after hours. In your case with psychology there could be developments and/or opportunities that come along in your field that could light that spark again. Being a pioneer in a field or a specialist could be really rewarding. My original psychiatrist specialised in ADHD in adults and my blood clot expert started as a GP, two good examples.

As for time away from work I've also realised that those without a passion rarely develop one. A passion unlike a hobby is more an obsession. It is developed at a young age naturally. Like my car restoration or caravan building began as a tinkerer from 9yo. That void needs to be filled by other stimulating methods as examples- travel, food in the form of cooking or eating it from different countries/restaurants, or perhaps a goal driven interest like a volunteering role. At 22yo you have time to fill that void and it might be too early for such possibilities to come along.

Finally, inner self development. I began that journey at 31yo (I'm 65). A friend introduced me to Maharaji Prem Rawat. He doesnt preach religion. He might strike a cord as to whats available out there that can give some purpose as why we exist.

 

I hope that helps and encourage you to feel free to reply.

WK

[demon_cat]

Hi WK,

Thank you for replying to my post. That is quite a lot of jobs!! I do hear a lot that many people switch up what they're doing much later in life or don't find a calling or passion until later, but rarely that it might just not happen. It is true that I'm young and still have a lot to explore and experience. I'll keep it in mind, but I think I'll most likely sit in the feeling as my mind can't really get into that headspace. But I think your reply gave a little bit of hope that these feelings might not last forever as my brain leads me to believe. And thank you for the recommendation (: