Trying to find a purpose in life.

[ItsDestiny]

Hello, my name is Katy and I am a 19 year old female with PTSD,
depression, anorexia nervosa, agoraphobia, anxieties, constant stiffness - causing
pain and so many more medical conditions. This is my first time
posting on Beyond Blue and I am hoping to gain an understanding how others deal
with their trauma and chronic physical illnesses as I am struggling to deal
with my own. I have also been encouraged to reach out to others, who have
an understanding on how difficult it is to be an independent person.

All of my life, I have been socially awkward, struggling to fit in with
people my own age as I have always had low self-esteem. I am shy by
nature, and I have always found to be a target for bullies, dominating and
controlling people. Now, I am just socially awkward around everyone,
(excluding my mother and brother). My anxieties flare to the extreme (panic and
asthma attack) when I am present near another person or child, which makes a
normal life impossible.

I have been through so many traumatic experiences and these experiences
haunt me constantly, during my waking and sleeping moments. I feel in the
last 15 months, since my health issues escalated, that I am a failure in life
and a test rat for medical science. As my medications are changed
constantly due to unaffectedness or the side effects are too extreme.

I have been seeing a doctor and psychologist, who have both being
supportive, unfortunately they do not understand all my concerns. I also see
a psychiatrist who I no longer have faith in, as his prescription’s in
medication has left me feeling worse than ever. I do not feel that he takes all
my medical history into consideration and I no longer trust his advice.

I have no true friends, due to my illnesses and I feel that my worth is
nil from experiences.

Feeling lost, beyond belief.

[pvroom]

Hi Katy

Welcome to the forum, I hope you find it helpful. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and your frustrations with you care givers, especially the psychiatrist are fair. If you want to see someone else, you should ask to do so. You need to feel supported, that's very important. You seem very mature to me, and sound as though you are doing your best to work through it all.

I hope that things can get a little bit easier for you.

[Zeal]

Hi Katy,

First off, welcome to the forum!

I can relate to some of your experiences. I was always shy and had very low self-esteem. That started improving once I hit my twenties, and was significantly better by 22. I am now 23, and I am much happier than I've been in years. I've had OCD (anxiety) since I was 13, I had mild depression in my teens, and I was diagnosed with Anorexia at 19. I was hospitalised for a few months in 2012, which was a challenging and eye-opening experience. After that, I was supported by my parents, an outpatient nurse and a dietician to reach the healthy weight range. It was tough emotionally, and I binge ate for months afterwards, as it was hard to adjust to eating "normally" once I was healthy. Luckily, I have made a near-full recovery 😄

Having stiff/tight muscles is frustrating. Though I'm on medication and I'm used to living with a fairly consistent low level of anxiety, I still get very stiff from tensing up my muscles subconsciously during the day, and even in my sleep. Having someone massage out some of the tightest parts is helpful. In 2013, I went to a remedial massage therapist for the first time. Though it's a bit expensive for the hour session ($70), it really helped! I got a massage every several months or so, for a while.

If you don't mind me asking, do you live at home Katy? It's great that you're comfortable around your Mum and brother. My parents were my biggest source of support when I was really unwell in 2012. I too lost contact with my friends. Last year I met a new group of people. I started dating a guy in the group last year, who is now my boyfriend of 11 months 🙂 I had this idea during my teens that guys wouldn't want to have me as a girlfriend. That was my low self-esteem talking!

I want you to know that things can get better! You have been through a lot and it sounds as though your past has been very challenging. I really hope you can keep getting support from your doctor and psychologist. Maybe ask your doctor what they think you should do about your psychiatrist and your meds.

Sorry I haven't given more concrete advice. It's hard to do so sometimes. If you want to talk further, please post back here 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[ItsDestiny]

Hi Pvroom

Thank you for your reply and welcoming me to the forum. I had a little problem of finding my posting as I thought I had submitted the posting under a different area. My doctor and psychologist have encouraged me to stick with the same psychiatrist for now, to work through the trust issues that I have with him. I find it a frightening process, however, the options of seeing another psychiatrist scares me even more with my anxieties and phobias.

My teenage years have required me to mature more quickly than the average teen. As for my posting and replies (for now, until I feel less overwhelmed etc) is written with me, by a family member, giving me support and encouragement that I need to reach out to others.

Thank you, I also hope that my life becomes easier too.

[ItsDestiny]

Hi SM

Thank you for your welcoming and for sharing your experiences with me. My bad for my slow reply, as I mention in my reply Pvroom, I had a little problem of finding my posting as I thought I had submitted the posting under Trauma and chronic physical illness forum? I have to be honest and tell you that I do find reaching out to others very overwhelming, all the usual anxiety thoughts races through my head (What if they don’t like me, am I just stupid and do I make any sense etc, the list goes on and on). I have a family member who has been helping me with my posting and with replying back to others. I am working on trying to get all my thoughts together as my concentration is rather poorly. I have also been encouraged to write fan fiction by myself every day, to help me focus on my own replies. I used to love writing fan fiction, until the trolls took away my last bit of self confidence in my writing abilities. For now they are safely saved in a word document on my pc and not to be published.

Congrats on your near – fully – recovery, that is really a big achievement. My eating disorder started around 2011 and it has been a real struggle since then. In 2012, like you had experience I went through a period of binge eating too. The memories terrifies me, as my psychiatrist a few months ago put me on tablets that made me put on weight very fast in a short period of time (3 months). Even though I felt hungry all the time, I still controlled my eating and upped my exercise. I feel cheated, as I put on all this weight in the problem spot areas and it was not my doing!! Even though technically I am not over weight for my height, but to me I feel obese. I struggle with my racing thoughts all the time, and I do not see what other people tell me what they see in me.

Yes, I agree, having stiff and tight muscles is frustrating. Thanks for your advice, unfortunately having a stranger touch me is terrifying and would set off my anxieties to the extreme. My doctor, who I have had for the last 15 months, has treated me with acupuncture. I still tremble and shake when he is in my personal space 

I live at home with my mother and brother, it has only been the three of us for the last 11 years. We have moved constantly as my father had become unwell when I was seven years old and he would not seek medical treatment. He became abusive, controlling, demanding and freaky scary when he stalked us for years.

[ItsDestiny]

That’s good that you were able to make a new group of friends and that your confidence within your self has grown. I try to imagine what it would be like to have better self-esteem, but find it difficult to comprehend. My choices in friends have not been my strongest point either. I have had bad experiences with males too.

My mum has been researching weight neutral a medication as a replacement, my doctor has been happy with her suggestions which I have been taking now for the last week.

No need to apologise for not proving more concrete advice, as I really appreciate the way that you have opened up to me with your experience. It is nice to actually speak to someone who has experienced the things that I am going through. My old friends, used to be so cruel with taunting me about my weight. I have never had anyone besides my family that I have been able to talk about my fears. And sometimes it just not the same as talking to someone beside them. I appreciate their support, but I get thoughts telling me they help me because they have to. I know this is stupid to think this, but my mind races constantly.

I wish you the best with your last bit of journey with your life. I am glad that you have found happiness’s after your experiences.

(Sorry to post twice, I couldn't post the whole lot together as I exceeded the word limit)

[ItsDestiny]

Hi SM

Thank you for your welcoming and for sharing your experiences with me. My bad for my slow reply, as I mention in my reply Pvroom, I had a little problem of finding my posting as I thought I had submitted the posting under Trauma and chronic physical illness forum? I have to be honest and tell you that I do find reaching out to others very overwhelming, all the usual anxiety thoughts races through my head (What if they don’t like me, am I just stupid and do I make any sense etc, the list goes on and on). I have a family member who has been helping me with my posting and with replying back to others. I am working on trying to get all my thoughts together as my concentration is rather poorly. I have also been encouraged to write fan fiction by myself every day, to help me focus on my own replies. I used to love writing fan fiction, until the trolls took away my last bit of self confidence in my writing abilities. For now they are safely saved in a word document on my pc and not to be published.

Congrats on your near – fully – recovery, that is really a big achievement. My eating disorder started around 2011 and it has been a real struggle since then. In 2012, like you had experience I went through a period of binge eating too. The memories terrifies me, as my psychiatrist a few months ago put me on tablets that made me put on weight very fast in a short period of time (3 months). Even though I felt hungry all the time, I still controlled my eating and upped my exercise. I feel cheated, as I put on all this weight in the problem spot areas and it was not my doing!! Even though technically I am not over weight for my height, but to me I feel obese. I struggle with my racing thoughts all the time, and I do not see what other people tell me what they see in me.

Yes, I agree, having stiff and tight muscles is frustrating. Thanks for your advice, unfortunately having a stranger touch me is terrifying and would set off my anxieties to the extreme. My doctor, who I have had for the last 15 months, has treated me with acupuncture. I still tremble and shake when he is in my personal space 😞

I live at home with my mother and brother, it has only been the three of us for the last 11 years. We have moved constantly as my father (sperm donor) had become unwell when I was seven years old and he would not seek medical treatment. He became abusive, controlling, demanding and freaky scary when he stalked us for years.

[Zeal]

Hi again Katy,

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me 😄 Don't worry about the small delay - life gets busy and technology can be a pain! Reaching out to people can be hard at first, but hopefully this forum will feel like a safe place soon enough 🙂 It's great that you have family to help with using these forums while your concentration isn't strong. Writing fan fiction sounds cool! My cousin writes teen romance novels actually, but hasn't had something published in hard copy. It's more of a beloved hobby I think. There are a lot of spaces to publish work online these days. I've heard of a few, but I can't remember them now! Google is your friend with this though 😄

Binge eating does cause fear, regret and guilt unfortunately. For me, guilt seemed to predominate. I mentally beat myself up about it. The passing of time once I started to recover helped bit by bit. I went backwards a few times, but that happens. Good on you for going ahead with acupuncture despite disliking your personal space being encroached upon. Hopefully this fear will diminish over time, with therapy and support.

I'm sorry to hear that your father became such a fearful and negative influence in your life. You have definitely been through a lot over the years, and your father's frightening presence will have created some of the fears and emotional torment that you are now dealing with. It's not fair. The best thing is that you have your Mum and brother by your side 🙂

Thank you so much for your good wishes! I'm glad that talking to me and others here on the forum has been a positive experience 😄

Best wishes,

SM

[ItsDestiny]

Hi SM,

Thank you so much for replying to my post in the first place, I was incredibly nervous that no one would, to be honest with you. Also thank you for understanding about the delay, I’m feeling more comfortable today with the forum. I noticed another posting called “Friends Café” which I thought I might check out later, what do you think? Awesome that your cousin writes teen romance novels, that’s so interesting. Does she happen to publish any of her stuff online?

I found that guilt is predominate for me too, I’m often beating myself up over literally everything I eat, after I’ve had it. Glad to know going backwards is just a normal part of the process, to be honest. Thank you for the encouragement, I have a lovely doctor who does this for me. I just wish I could manage to be around him without shaking etc, and talk to him, sometimes I get really tongue tied and can’t say anything in person.

I really appreciate your understanding of my father. It wasn’t easy seeing someone change so much over the years. Sometimes I feel silly to still be dealing with it all, feel like I should be over it, but I’m nowhere near it. My mother and brother have been a rock. 🙂

My pleasure and thank you so much for writing back, I truly appreciate it.

[Zeal]

Hi Katy,

You are most welcome at the Friend's Café! There are a small handful of us who chat now, and there's still space for more friendly people to join 🙂

I think my cousin submits her work to informal online sites, but I don't know much about how it works.

It's fantastic that you really like your doctor! It's certainly not silly in any way to have anxieties and fears related to your past trauma caused by your father. What happened sounds terrifying, and these experiences take time to recover from. I'm so happy for you that you have a great relationship with your mother and brother 😄

Thanks for the lovely reply 🙂

Best wishes,

SM