Struggles with commitment as a lonely young man

[Lintu01]

Hi all,

I came for some advice about love and commitment. As a guy, we often don't have a variety of options or people to talk about this stuff with as men are typically "not supposed to talk about emotion" as much as women. Which shouldn't be right because it makes people like me struggle even more. I am a 19 year old guy. I finished High School last year and am about to finish my gap year and head into University next year. Over the past 6-12 months I have become increasingly more and more lonely. I still have friends but I see them less and our catch-ups feel more and more unsatisfying, or something along those lines. I have met some women going out and what not who I have continued to speak to yet I never take the leap to dating or something further. This is where it makes no sense to me, I like to watch romantic comedies at home in bed, I long for what I see in them. To find that special someone and have this amazing, loving relationship. Yet everyone that comes my way I push away or don't even interact with. I dont know what it is exactly, probably a mix of feeling like I don't want to "inflict myself onto them" or not even trying because I pre-judge them saying "what's the point, they wont be into me anyway". I'm starting to feel more and more like I'm never going to find love (which is crazy because I'm only 19) but more importantly, more and more like I don't know myself. I don't know who I am anymore, I work and I sleep and any other time is wasted away doing nothing important or constructive. What do I do to get myself out of this rut and back into the world, meeting people and finding who I am again?

-Lintu01

[pipsy]

Hi Lintu01. When we see the 'fall in love forever' type romances on the movies, we often long for the same 'storybook' for ourselves. Unfortunately in real life no-one acts as they do on the movies or soaps. People, being people are fickle, and can be unintentionally cruel and insensitive. We all hope for that special someone to come along and say and do everything we want. I get the feeling you haven't found in reality what you see on the screen. Pushing them away because they don't say/do what you want them to, means you will never get hurt. Perhaps next time you meet someone you feel attracted to, try just talking to them. Ask them about their hopes and dreams. Girls can be painfully shy for the same reason as you. If they feel they are being judged, they find it difficult maintaining friendships too.

Lynda

[Nikkir]

Hi Lintu01,

Thank you for reaching out and for your honesty:) I agree men need support and advice just as much as women, I think society as a whole could use relationship advice, with divorce rates at 50 percent. I really really feel for you and I do understand how you feel and what you are going through although I am not fortunate to have the time on my side that you do. I think its great that you are doing uni or will be and finished school so you have achieved some major life goals for your future and that is great. If you are not at uni yet you will definately meet people there and I don't know where you are going to but every uni I have been to visit or study has sooooo many interest groups and a real mix of people and ALOT OF SOCIALISING !!!! I know what you mean about the not connecting or sort of 'hit and miss' i feel that myself like I just don't really connect with new people for some reason. But I have no doubt that as you are 19 I think through uni and then work after that you will have the opportunity to meet lots of different people. Maybe this is just a life changing phase for you and you are looking for different things now so you are not feeling the same as you were before with friends and going out. I promise you uni will be an amazing experience. Just be yourself even though I am really not one to give relationship advice but I believe you meet people as you are going about life on your own path and happy in who you are, thats my theory but please let me know if you have some luck in a different way. You are not alone, this is just a phase and I am certain you will meet alot of nice people. The only thing i would say is if you do like someone, its good to put yourself out there, not right out there, test the water but I think people aren't mind readers. I really look forward to hearing about your new life change and wishing you ever happiness:) Best Wishes Nikkir x

[Lintu01]

Thankyou both for your advice, it is nice to know I have some support out there! 🙂