Sex and boys

[shay2]

Hi I'm Shay 

13 year old female 

So listen I am depressed, suicidal and self harm.

I really like this boy in my class right and he is always flirting with me.  He asked me to give him oral sex and I said that I would but now he wants to know if he can have sex with me,  I am a virgin and I guess I want to but I have a few problems.  he is always feeling me up when he gets the chance and talks dirty to me.

here is a list of problems and please don't judge me:

*I am scared it will hurt 

*I don't shave or wax (down there) -embarrassing *cringe*- and i don't know if he will mind

*How do I get condoms?

*Where and when can I do it so my parents wont find out?

*will it make me more depressed?

*what if he can't fit in me

Please if you could give an answer to all these it would b very helpful

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Shay,

ABC has a show "Insight" and today's subject was virginity.  It's got a host and a bunch of discussion generators.

The hymen was talked about and, boy, wasn't that a complex issue - sizes, cultures, some sexed up couples going for a re-attachment of the hymen come marriage time to appease the traditional culture [one surgeon quoted 50 - 60 operations like this a year].  And so on.   As a part of the body, the hymen wasn't even recognised till the 16th century.

The control from the male species to have a true virgin as a bride was full on.  But none of the researchers could pick a time in history when this phenomenon came into existence.  And then of course the virginal state of a man is a tad harder to predict.  Multiple partners being a problem to determine fatherhood.

Sex seems such a simple thing but there are many issues associated with it.  I'm not sure if this is the most confusing part.  Possibly the discovery of sex is often overshadowed by the realisation that your own parents..........had/have sex !  Yuck !  And with Viagra.......... I mean, a 77 yr old these days can be as randy as a 17 yr old.  It just looks bad when you put your teeth in afterwards but with a new knee and hip replacement Brad PItt watch out.

Adios, David.

[Mr_J]

Hi Shay,

 Just be careful, please respect your body before you let someone into your life like that. This is a big step and if you're not respecting or loving yourself first than they might show that same respect. 

 13 is young, i'm not saying don't do it. Just it's amazing with the right person.

 As a young man i slept with a lot of girls. Many were fooled by my charm into having sex, not forced, never, just charming. I knew what i wanted and i said the right things. I feel bad about it now and wish i hadn't. Having sex with someone you love is so much better than sex with some guy from your class.

 Age isn't a factor in this, self respect, self love and really wanting it is. If you wait you look SO MUCH HOTTER in the eyes of guys. Virgins are beautiful and people that have had minimal partners are so much more exciting in my eyes now. They are closed off you must try to love them to get that love back. It's great. A true connection.

I hope you find this.

J

[abm]

This basically in the same situation as i am. i dont know if he is the right one to do it with though since he is my ex. and he is leaving next year and i will never see him again, no contact.so thats why i want to do something with him before he goes to have some memory of us together that was special. He is the type of person who doesnt want to be in a relationship at this age but wants to do stuff. I feel for you at this age its hard to make decisions like these. i am 14 xx

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear abm,

Wow - this thread keeps growing.  It seems like first time sex is assumed to be "special". But what if it isn't ?    You can't believe everything you read in the sealed section of Cosmopolitan.  Many woman and men are not compatable physically.

Surely, if you want a serious time in a serious relationship you would want a partner not "a memory of a partner" ?     Having contact then "no contact" has got to be the worst way of being with/without someone.       The advice from the moderators to approach the community health centre/local GP/Kids Helpline seems to have been ignored for some fantasy moment from internet porn.

Emotional input is just as important as physical input.  There has got to be a great relationship out there, given time, for Shay, abm and Daniel Radcliffe.

Adios, David.

[dew_drops]

Hi Shay..great to see your seeking advice  & thinking this through before doing anything.I think what you wrote in your first line is a really important factor here.When you say your depressed & self harm, do you know the reasons or have you spoken to anybody about it before?Its so sad that your experiencing these horrible feelings & know that there is help out there if you feel you can find the courage to talk about it.

Now to the boy/sex issues..Maybe ask yourself, what is it about it you like?Does he make you feel special & worthy of giving up your virginity for?Or maybe its just teenage hormones (which is natural & normal)& he wants to have sex with you..??Because if he only wants to have sexual & then doesent talk  or have a friendship with you again...i would be sure this would set you back with your depression.Do you have a school councellor that you can confide in?Or anyone you can trust to talk too? 

What ever you do darling, remember you & your health come first.If someone really likes you & respects you, then they wont pressure you.This is your life, do what is true to you & your feelings & think about your health first.Good luck Shae..here if you need us xx

[geoff]

dear Abm, the time might be great, however if you decide to do something with him before he leaves, this will make it much harder to let go of him and vice-versa. Geoff. x

[guest1]

Sorry I am intruding in this area, but have extensive experience with teenagers.

 NO NO NO!!!

 Do not have such a personal and precious experience in these circumstances!

 This boy is not committed to you in any way, you are really quite young (below average age) for having sex.

Do not just give it to him. Make him commit to you. Honestly if you give him this easily, he will not respect you.

If you really want to give this to him, make him WORK, WORK, WORK, for it, and treat you like a Queen! Never promise anything though.

Personally I strongly suggest, that having a healthy relationship in place, and waiting for several weeks to see if the relationship is going well, well that's the best context to have sex if you must at your age.

Don't let this guy walk all over you to get what he wants.

Remember whatever you do with him, he may talk and lots of other people may find out.

[guest1]

Also I wanted to say your self harm and depression is of concern.

Please listen to the advice on here, and find somebody to talk to.

Getting involved with boys and even having sex is NO CURE for the emotional pain you are in. In fact if he disregards you after (as often happens) you may feel much worst, you may feel used.

You need somebody to listen to you and love you (in a non-sexual way) because of your emotional pain. Please consider talking to your school Councillor , or even a Doctor if you can get to one. Also try ringing the kid's health line and telling them about your depression and self harm.