Seperation anxiety, loss of partner

Courtney113 · ‎20-10-2014

My now ex boyfriend of 2 years recently broke up with me over the phone last Friday night. We were very in love and there was alot of time invested in our relationship. He lived at my house 5/7 nights per week, and we weren't separated except for when at work or attending tafe classes. We showered together, slept together and pretty much did every single thing together for 2 years straight. We've never really spent any time apart except for now. We were very close with each others families, almost as if we shared parents. We planned alot of our future life, and our expectations were set for marriage and children and spending the rest if our life together. We went on family holidays to places in the country. We were very involved in eacothers lives. I don't remember times without him being there, and I don't have much of a life without him. After he broke up with me I didn't sleep for 6 days, I couldn't eat or else I'd purge at the thought of feeling sick. I cried hysterically, and had mood swings from feeling better to worse and worse and even worse. Last night I was at a point where I was begging him to take me back, crying and screaming at him on the phone. I am struggling without him. I have this raw empty feeling inside me like I have nothing left to live for, nothing left to give to anyone. I feel worthless and uncomfortable. I'm fidgety, restless and have hot flushes. I have this pain in my chest like I'm being poked with a knife. I feel worried and unstable. I feel like I can't live life without him. My heart is constantly racing and I am obsessing over him and cannot stop thinking about him. Every time I close my eyes I see his face. I find it hard to stop worrying. I've had to leave work and take time off because I am in panic constantly. I am miserable. I feel like I can stop talking to him, but then I feel the need to compulsively message or call him. I worry that if something bad were to happen to him it would be my fault because i didn't try hard enough to keep him with me. I don't know what to do with myself .

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AGrace · ‎20-10-2014

Hi Courtney113,

I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened with your relationship. I wondered if I could ask if you know the reason why things seemed to come to an abrupt end? Breaking up with you over the phone, it sounds like he wasn't able to do this in person, no doubt he is feeling a little hurt as well.

I know relationships ending can be a really difficult time, and sadly there's not much that I or anyone could say to take away the pain that you must be feeling. Time is the only thing that will help, and it will take time for you to heal. I recall how much I hated this being said to me when any of my relationships were over, so I'm sorry, but it is the only truth.

Give yourself time to grieve. It sounds like you and your ex spent a lot of time together, and hopefully one day you will be able to look back and recall these as good memories. Right now the focus needs to be on you. I know you said it's difficult because you seemed to do everything together, as you are healing though, I hope that you will start to find yourself again, and realise that you as a person can still do many of these things whether you are in a relationship or not.

We are here to support you, and I want to send you a big virtual hug.

AGrace

CrashCoyote · ‎20-10-2014

Hi Courtney,

I would really like to offer you support but I cannot improve on the comments Amber has made. (AGrace)

I have been where you are now and despite having many partners in my life (I'm probably a bit older than you) only one was THE one and the description of the emptiness you feel is one I have known.

After all and no matter why it ended, we cannot force someone to be with us unless it is what they want, too. Maybe why love is so hard to find? Clearly you are lovable and able to be in a close relationship so it seems you will be able to develop another relationship if that is what you want one day. I am sorry to say it just may not be with this man.

Please look after yourself and take Amber's advice!

Kind regards, John.

Courtney113 · ‎21-10-2014

Hi Agrace, no he didn't have a reason for ending it so quickly. Just keeps saying things like "it won't work." Etc. I'm very confused on what to do, I'm not really functioning without him. He sends mixed signals, and I'm actually still quite upset about all of this...

Courtney113 · ‎21-10-2014

Hi john, thank you for the support. As I've said to Agrace, very confusing and just heart reaching situation. Feeling very down at the moment, I don't see a way I could be happy without this person in my life.

CrashCoyote · ‎22-10-2014

Hi Courtney,

I must be quick as I have to get my boy off to school.

I understand that you think you cannot be happy without that special person in your life. Sixteen years ago my eight week old daughter died in her sleep. I don't know why and neither do the doctors. It is one of those "it is what it is" things. Unable to be changed.

Of course your situation is different and I am not comparing our situations in terms of depth of feeling, it is different for each of us, I am just saying I know how it feels to think you can't go on without someone.

As it turns out, it seems you can. I can laugh, joke, even smile thinking about my daughter, even though I still miss her.

There are no short cuts to grief so I guess just keep working your way through it, but it will get better.

Kind regards, John.

Courtney113 · ‎15-11-2014

Hi John,

still not holding up well with everything. Just don't know what to do...

CrashCoyote · ‎15-11-2014

Hi Courtney,

I am glad you posted again.

I know it is not easy for you and of course you miss the things you had in that relationship. I am confident that you will find that with someone else one day, and even though you might want that only with him, you cannot have it without his co-operation.

Have you put boundaries around your own behaviour? Do you still have the impulse to call him and if you do, do you resist it? Your recovery needs to start somewhere and recognising that you cannot avoid the pain of the end of the relationship is a start.

Please keep posting and please try to occupy yourself with anything other than pining for him.

Kind regards, John.