Scared and confused

[ndg96]

Hi everyone!

This is my first time ever posting well actually my first time visiting this site. Basically throughout my entire life I've always thought seeking help from others was the easy way out and I think because of that a lot of my life keeps crashing down around me.

I'm 20 and at Uni which is one of the main issues here I'd like to address. I've been at Uni for almost 3 years but recently changed my degree, I'm currently loving what I'm doing and I was under the impression I was doing so well but got my grades back and I'm currently failing 2 of my subjects. None of my family has attended Uni so trying to speak to them about it is pointless and to be quite honest trying to speak to my friends about it just makes me feel stupid.

I'm usually the person people come to for help not the person people help which is why I'm so stuck, scared and confused with my life right now. The thought of telling people I'm failing is more stressful to me than the thought of actually failing...now that is surely a call for concern right? I keep saying to myself if I fail I'll just pick myself back up again and try again. But then in the back of my head I'm constantly thinking I can't tell people I failed they will think so little off me and I hate the thought of that. I think what also makes me really scared and upset about this entire situation is the fact I'm failing has nothing to do with me not trying I'm trying so hard but I'm clearly not smart enough and it makes me feel so worthless more than 90% of the time but I also try keep that too myself. Which leads me back to my point about asking for help, regardless of the situation I can't and I won't do it and I really want to change that I want to stop being so scared of what people will think of me and just start doing things but I'm so scared like words can't describe.

I don't know what to do anymore. I cry and cry all the time but no one knows, not a single person and I don't know what to do about it. Uni is only one impact towards this but currently the most weight berring.

I'm honestly so afraid and I don't know where to turn too. Please help me.

[shellouise93]

Oh lovely,

All I want to do right now is wrap you up in a hug and promise you that everything will be okay. I know it doesn't seem like it but I promise it will get better.

I am 22, not much older than you, but i can tell you one thing that you will soon realise.

If people are going to think little of you just because you are failing, then they are not worth your time.
If they don't agree with whatever you decide to do in life, they are not worth your time.
I think you will find that the real people in your life will want to help you and support you because they see more than just "That kid who is failing Uni" they see a gorgeous, talented, kind, caring human being who is worth more to this world than some grades at Uni.

Reaching out for help isn't "the easy way out". When you think about asking for help, does that seem scary? Does it seem like something you can just casually do? From what i gather from your post, I'm gonna say that those things probably do seem scary to you. And if asking for help is a little bit terrifying, then maybe it's not the easy way out. Admitting you need help takes guts, but it is also one of the best things you will ever do.

Even if you just talk to a loved one, a Uni guidance counsellor or a friend, they can support you when you need it and encourage you to ask for help in your subjects at uni and get help for your mental health. You don't have to go shouting from the rooftops about it, but it would make all the difference to your life if even just one person that you trust knew what you were going through.

Sending all my love and positive energy your way, I hope you find the courage to do what is best for you.

Shell xx

[White_Rose]

Dear ndg96

Hello and welcome. I'm so pleased you have written in here, and on your first visit. That is fantastic as posting on this site can be very scary. Well done.

I think I am following you around Shell. That's a great response to ndg. By the way, does ndg stand for Not Doing Good?

Asking for help is usually a good thing to do. It tends to fall down when you rely on that advice without considering if it's the best for you, or if you become incapable of thinking for yourself. Clearly you can think for yourself.

Most of your post is about how insecure you feel and how you want others to think well of you. Now we all want to be loved and admired, there's nothing wrong with that. As in my previous sentence, if you spent all your time and energy on impressing other people not only will you get exhausted, because it's hard work, but you will fail because everyone will have a different view of what is good and admirable. The most loved and admired people are those who choose their own path based on their own beliefs and needs. Not running over others but being aware of themselves.

You are not getting good marks in your new course although you thought your work was good. Is this because you have an idea of what the lecturer wants and you address your assignments using this criterion? Or do you offer your own unique insights, thoughts, and beliefs. I suggest you make an appointment with your tutor and talk about why your marks are not good. I'm certain, from my uni days, that he/she will know what's amiss.

I think you would benefit from talking to a counsellor about your self esteem and fears. It sounds as though you are a little depressed which often makes us doubt our own capacity. Depression can be insidious and you wake up one day realising the Black Dog is sleeping on your bed. Perhaps have a chat to your GP.

Our self-image is important to us, so the thought of confessing we are not perfect can be hard. Generally we know our own strengths and where we need to do better. It's a different matter to tell others about our vulnerabilities. But as Shell has commented, no need to broadcast it to everyone. Start with your GP and if you talk to a counsellor, be completely open with him/her. Once you find they don't bite you can talk to someone you trust . I have struggled for a long time to trust others with the real me. When I did, I found those who I cared most about already knew. And they loved me in spite of it. That is an amazing feeling.

Mary