Regaining control of my life.

[Ampersand]

Hi,

I’m not even sure where to begin here. I’ve been feeling, well... empty lately. I get periods of emotion where I feel unreasonably hopeless, irrationally angry or just downright weird. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder about eight years ago now, and I guess I’ve been existing with it ever since. I’ve never sought help for my problems, although multiple doctors have recommended I take anti-depressants and see a psychologist. I was very much against being medicated, but now… I’m not so sure any more.

I coped through escapism, writing, playing games, doing anything and everything but focusing on my problems. I still do it, and frankly, it’s ruining my life. Not to mention, it’s no longer working as a coping mechanism. I just can’t focus, I’m always tired, and I’m eating too much for the amount, or lack of, exercise I do. I feel stressed whenever I leave the house, going anywhere outside of the few safe places; that is places I’ve been to before, leaves my stomach churning and aching. Long drives are physically painful to the point of near tears sometimes, I find it hard to relax when there isn’t a bathroom nearby. I’m not ready to explain why, so bear with me on that please.

I get downright agitated when I’m disturbed on my bad days. I fight and argue with my mother, yell at her… call her names. I’ve broken things, said things a rational me would want to punch the irrational me for. I hate it when I can’t control my anger, hate it how it hurts my mother because she’s the only one I lash out at. It’s put a strain on our relationship, and since she is the only parent I have contact with, it makes me miserable to consider where I’d be without her. I feel very little connection to my siblings… like if one of them were to get hurt, I’m not sure if I’d be upset, angry sure, but upset? I’m not even sure if I know how to feel empathy for others anymore. My step grandfather passed away after battling cancer last year. I didn’t cry, wasn’t sure what to feel really. He was a better grandfather to me than my paternal, blood related one. People cope differently, I get that… it’s just… I used to be a pretty caring person.

I just feel like everything’s falling apart around me and the only thing I can do is cower where I am, waiting for someone to kick me while I’m down. I had more written down but the character limit isn't friendly to my long winded way of writing. I'll get around to posting it sooner or later, no doubt.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ampersand,

I haven't heard from you for a while, so I hope you are doing okay!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Ampersand]

Hello all,

Just posting another update to let everyone know how I'm going.

I'm going to therapy for depression now and have been for a few months. The type of therapy I'm doing is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. It is allowing me to learning better ways to manage my depression as well as the things that come with it, and relearn the negative thinking patterns I have developed over the years.

With therapy, I've learned that in addition to Major Depressive Disorder, I also have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Social Phobia traits, though I'm not sure if I exhibit enough traits for a diagnosis (of Social Phobia). GAD explains the IBS symptoms I experienced when leaving the house unexpectedly or for long drives.  I haven't had any of that for a couple of months now, and I hope it doesn't return. I used to put my anxiety down to Depression, which isn't the case. It was a bit of a shock to start with, but after looking things up, I sound like a pretty textbook case for GAD.

Onto gender transition things: I haven't changed my name yet as priorities were shuffled around, but it's still on the cards for this year. Regardless, I am going by my preferred name at the docs and therapy. I've asked my family to call me by it too, but so far only one has clicked onto the full name, the rest use my nickname (which I'm okay with for now).

I'll be seeing a Psychiatrist next month as the steps I want to take for transitioning require a Psychiatric evaluation. This evaluation will determine if I do indeed experience Gender Dysphoria, and will allow me to progress medically. I'm expecting it to take a minimum of a few sessions, and for the time being I'm holding optimistic thoughts. I think the only person really stopping me from progressing down this track is myself, what with all the doubts ping-ponging about in my head. 

 I'm also "out" to everyone in my immediate family (that I care about), except for one sister. I'm not sure how she'll take things, but given the total support I've received from everyone else, it's a little less scary. I just don't know when to tell her as we're not on the best terms at the moment. I have plenty of time though!

 I've had one gender therapy appointment so far and have another three for later on in the year. I'm hoping to have things a little more progressed by then, but with all things considered, I'm doing okay as it is.

Thank you everyone for your continued support thus far, I greatly appreciate it!

[Pixie15]

Hi Ampersand,

Thanks for your update. I am happy for you that you are finding support. I completed a course of CBT a couple of years ago and found it really helpful. 

cheers,

Pixie.

[Narniakid]

Hi Ampersand!

Thank you for your post and for keeping us updated. It is awesome to hear that you're seeking professional help, and it is wonderful to hear that your loved ones are supporting you through it. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is one of the treatments I've been using for a number of years now, and it has been really effective.

Keep that optimistic thinking up! You've already taken the first few steps on the road to recovery 🙂

Crystal

[Doolhof]

Hi Ampersand,

It is great to hear from you and learn what you have been up to. It is wonderful you now have a diagnosis to work with and you have learnt ways to deal with your issues.

I wish you well with all you are achieving in your life. All the best to you from Mrs. Dools

[Ampersand]

Hello again everyone,

Another update on how I'm going.

My anxiety has been at a fairly low level over the past couple of months which I'm quite pleased with. On the other hand, I can feel myself slipping back into a depressed state. For a good 6 to 7 weeks I felt fairly good in terms of mindset, but this past week (or more?) has been similar to the depressive episodes I have experienced in the past. Hopelessness, minimal motivation, low self esteem, etc... it feels like no matter what I do, or how hard I try to get better, that I can't do anything to escape it for long.

I've been to quite a few CBT sessions by now and while they are helping, it seems like every time I go in I'm having an "okay" day. It's like my mind anticipates a session and cranks up the happy go lucky facade just so nobody can see how much I'm actually hurting. Only once have I gone in there and been noticeably out of sorts, and that was following an argument that happened the same morning. If I can remember to, I'll bring this up in my next session. I've also seen a dietitian and exercise physiologist to help me lose weight.

My feelings of inadequacy regarding education and intelligance are also more or less driving my mindset into the ground. I'm seriously considering withdrawing from the course I'm currently undertaking as I've only managed to do 4 months of work in the space of 14 months. I'm surprised I haven't been expelled. I regard myself as a fairly intelligent person, but when I look at my academic accomplishments beyond primary school, it looks like a string of failures. It hurts so much for people to ask me about how my schooling went (or is going) and for me to have to lie by omission because I don't want to be judged for having difficulty with it.

Then there's more of the gender issues. I changed my name legally in August and I can count on one hand the times I've heard it spoken by my family at home (and I asked to be called by it before legally changing it). I'm both frustrated that I'm feeling hurt by this, and angry that I'm frustrated. They are supportive of me, but the only person who seems to be making an honest effort was the same person who I thought would be the least supportive. I hear she and her every day and it's just so draining to be misnamed and misgendered.

 Leaving this post on a good note, I've been on HRT for over one month now. I have noticed a change in that I am somewhat less agitated, and it is helping the depression a little.