The impossible task of finding the motivation within

[Rose2015]

It can be a hard thing to face - admitting you've got a problem like this. Many people suffer from depression, many people recover from depression and many will fall back into holes they have to climb out of again.

I am in that last category.

I have suffered depression before. I sought professional help in the form of a psychologist and worked on some CBT. I felt pretty good for a long time. I had the tools to recognise when my behavioural things were playing up and how to handle them. 

Then one of my only close family members died.

I think I was falling down before that happened - but there's nothing like the pain of loss to really throw you. Couple that with the fact I live across the other side of the country from everyone I know and care about - where my entire support network is - and that has made everything that much harder.

There are so many things you think about during times like this. One of my default reactions is to blame myself for a lot of things. For not being there. For generally being incompetent. For anything negative, really. I start to shut away from everyone and everything, only coming out while I'm at work. I'm in a long distance relationship so all the negative feelings I have I put onto that, because in a lot of ways that's easier to do instead of face the facts and admit the problems within.

I remember this feeling - the general disinterest in life and all that it holds. The feeling that no one understands. That you don't matter. 

I know I need to change. Many of us here will know that. It's getting up and doing it that seems like the impossible task. I have no close friends here. I have no one to force anything on me. It has to come from me.

And that may be the absolute hardest thing.

[White_Rose]

Dar Rose

Thank you for telling us your story and posting here. Hello and welcome.

I want to acknowledge your courage in recognizing where you are at. It is so easy to rationalize your thoughts and feelings, blame yourself for everything in the world going wrong and generally slip further into the black hole. I know the pain of loss as do many others here. Please accept my condolences. I know it does not help much except that someone cares.

And yes, you are correct, the effort is yours alone. That really stinks doesn't it. I also know that feeling of being unwanted etc. And it is hard to climb out of that hole. You know what to do but need a push to get started.

My suggestion, and I'm sure you have heard it before, is to have a chat with your GP. I say this because sometimes our relapses stem from a physical cause that we have been unaware of, or only vaguely registering. If all the physical causes are fixed or ruled out you can then concentrate on your mental motivation. In any event you will have done something positive.

How long have you lived at your current address? I am wondering if it is a short period and you are still adjusting. And also why you moved there. Is it possible to have some time off work? Then you can rest all day if you wish. Again I have found that tiredness drains all motivation and grief can use heaps of your energy.

What can you do to honour your grief? Write a story or poetry about this loved one. Make some scrapbook pages. Sit and remember scenes from this person's life. These activities may make you cry, but tears can be very healing. Is it possible for you to return to your support group for a short time? Just to recharge your batteries. Can you phone some of these people.

Can I ask how much support you are receiving from your partner? Long distance romances sound OK but are very difficult to maintain. It's worse when you unwell because you have the same effect as a person with no partner and therefore no support, but finding it difficult to relate to others who may be willing to help.

Please write in again.

Mary