Regaining control of my life.

[Ampersand]

Hi,

I’m not even sure where to begin here. I’ve been feeling, well... empty lately. I get periods of emotion where I feel unreasonably hopeless, irrationally angry or just downright weird. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder about eight years ago now, and I guess I’ve been existing with it ever since. I’ve never sought help for my problems, although multiple doctors have recommended I take anti-depressants and see a psychologist. I was very much against being medicated, but now… I’m not so sure any more.

I coped through escapism, writing, playing games, doing anything and everything but focusing on my problems. I still do it, and frankly, it’s ruining my life. Not to mention, it’s no longer working as a coping mechanism. I just can’t focus, I’m always tired, and I’m eating too much for the amount, or lack of, exercise I do. I feel stressed whenever I leave the house, going anywhere outside of the few safe places; that is places I’ve been to before, leaves my stomach churning and aching. Long drives are physically painful to the point of near tears sometimes, I find it hard to relax when there isn’t a bathroom nearby. I’m not ready to explain why, so bear with me on that please.

I get downright agitated when I’m disturbed on my bad days. I fight and argue with my mother, yell at her… call her names. I’ve broken things, said things a rational me would want to punch the irrational me for. I hate it when I can’t control my anger, hate it how it hurts my mother because she’s the only one I lash out at. It’s put a strain on our relationship, and since she is the only parent I have contact with, it makes me miserable to consider where I’d be without her. I feel very little connection to my siblings… like if one of them were to get hurt, I’m not sure if I’d be upset, angry sure, but upset? I’m not even sure if I know how to feel empathy for others anymore. My step grandfather passed away after battling cancer last year. I didn’t cry, wasn’t sure what to feel really. He was a better grandfather to me than my paternal, blood related one. People cope differently, I get that… it’s just… I used to be a pretty caring person.

I just feel like everything’s falling apart around me and the only thing I can do is cower where I am, waiting for someone to kick me while I’m down. I had more written down but the character limit isn't friendly to my long winded way of writing. I'll get around to posting it sooner or later, no doubt.

[Ampersand]

Hello everyone, I'm back for an update.

I chickened out and cancelled the doctor's appointment, there's more to my reasons than just my avoidance and it has taken me a while to accept it. Last October I began openly questioning my gender identity. Last month I fell into another depressive low, it was getting to the point where I couldn't focus on anything and I just started loathing myself. I finally gave up on hiding and I told my mother, her partner and one of my sisters how I felt and the steps I am going to take to allow myself to be myself.

I am transgender, my identity is transmasculine nonbinary and my expression is masculine. I want to begin transitioning and have been doing nearly everything in my power to do so. I chose a new name, what pronouns I prefer and have been letting my family adjust to it. I've worn menswear for as long as I can remember so it's not as big a change as it could have been. A big step for me was last Friday when I went to a barber for a haircut. The barber didn't feminise my hair like the other places I've gone to which was really empowering!

I made an appointment with a gender clinic in Sydney that I will be going to. Prior to coming out, I considered catching a bus and train to get there without telling anyone, but that would've made them worry endlessly However that's unnecessary as everything went well and my family is accepting of me. The appointment is in June, which feels like it's ages away, however I'm actually looking forward to it. It's a stepping stone to becoming the real me.

I started eating healthier and have also started exercising. I've been going on walks or rides which sometimes end early since there are only toilets on either end of the path I go on, with somewhere in the ballpark of 3kms without toilets. It takes me an hour to walk one way, so it's super frustrating when I have to turn around and go home, but there's not much I can do about that. The point is, my mood has changed somewhat for the better since eating healthier (but I still have depression) and my IBS symptoms have relented to the point where I can leave the house without gut wrenching anxiety.

Sorry for the break in contact, I needed to take time to think things through. It was a tough break, especially when I began feeling really, really not happy with life to the point where I wanted to move out of my home. It's better now, and will continue to get better so long as I work at it. Thanks for the support, I greatly appreciate it.

[Pixie15]

Hi Ampersand,

It was really a pleasant surprise to see you had given an update. It is good that you have taken these positive steps. I hope it all comes together for you.

The first person I ever met who had undergone a sex change was in a nightclub in Brisbane over thirty years ago. I will never forget her happiness.

thanks,

Pixie.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ampersand,

Welcome back! You have certainly been on a journey of discovery. It is wonderful you have the support of your family and you no longer have to keep your desires to yourself.

If you have been wearing men's wear for a long time already, do you think your family had some idea as to how you might be seeing yourself? Have you been able to speak to them about how they feel?

Good on you for going to a barber for a haircut. I always feel great about myself after having had my hair cut, so for you, wanting to feel more masculine and having your hair cut to suit you must be a great feeling.

June does seem a long time to wit, but it will come up soon enough. Try to find interesting things to do in the mean time so it doesn't seem like you have to wait too long.

Thanks again for getting back to us. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi again Ampersand,

I have been meaning to ask you what your picture is of? Is it the skin of a lizard?

From Mrs. Dools

[Ampersand]

Hi Pixie,

Thank you, I have hopes that things will start progressing sometime this year. I'm not expecting everything to happen at once, but I am much more optimistic about where I'll be than what I was this time last month.That happiness is what I hope to experience. Right now I'm not as happy as I can be, however I am much better than before. Prior to October I had only heard of the term transgender here and there, though I didn't really know what it meant.

It explains so much of how I behaved growing up, of how I expressed myself and repressed myself. Looking back there were little red flags all throughout my childhood, but I never questioned them. I was just me and the people who called me boy or told me I was in the wrong bathroom were blind, all the while I enjoyed being called buddy and sir and hated being called ma'am and miss. Seems like I was the blind one, better late then never I guess.

I'm glad she was able to transition and be happy even thirty years ago! It's only been recently that I've started hearing more about transgender people, maybe because I'm more aware now and have done a lot of research to better understand myself. I hope to see more positive representation in the media, so far half the stories are happy while the other half a tragic which is terrifying. Trans people have one of the highest rates of suicide... it's a sobering thought.

I am lucky to have a supportive household, but before coming out I was a mess. I was willing to move out if needed, though I had no idea where I was going to go. I spent several days just staying up late at night and sleeping all day. Focusing on anything but researching was impossible.

I was standing outside watching the night sky while doing my best to avoid saying what was wrong to my mother when I finally broke down and blurted it out (well, I more or less spoke in a monotone while crying). I wasn't sure how she'd react, but I was hoping she wouldn't throw me out or hate me. All that stress was for nothing as she accepted me. She knows about my gender identity and my sexuality which came up in that same discussion (I'm grey-asexual and grey-romantic) and how all that impacts me as a person.

I haven't told two of my sisters or my father and frankly I'm not sure if I ever am going to tell my father. As for my sisters, I will be telling them eventually, but probably after I see a gender therapist.

[Ampersand]

Hi Mrs. Dools,

My mother told me when I came out that she's known for a long time that I was different. I have three sisters, all of which express a level of femininity, though one less than the other two. Then there's me, who needed to be bribed to wear a dress at ten years old and downright refused to entertain the idea of putting on makeup and doing my hair while my sisters were doing the opposite. I am glad I was never forced to pretend to be feminine, though it's going to take a bit of adjusting on my end to fully express myself the way I want to, and some on my family's end to call me by my name and pronouns.

I have spoken to my mother and her boyfriend in length about it, They are supporting and want me to speak to someone before pursuing medical transition. I wanted to do that regardless, as I do think it's necessary for me to completely come to terms with it, plus I see it as a necessity given my health history. My mother has expressed some valid concerns, asking me if I would be happier if I transitioned, what was involved, how far I was going to go.

I explained in depth where I wanted to start and passed over possibilities further down the track. Her main concerns were for my health and how my disability would affect transition. I don't think I'm going to regret it, I can't see myself expressing in a feminine way ever and never have been able to. My voice annoys me to no end and I feel uncomfortable with my body as it is now. Finding a trans friendly GP is going to be a hurdle, but if worst comes to worst I know there are some in Sydney. I'm willing to deal with them being unfamiliar with my condition if they're at least accepting of trans people. 

The haircut was nerve wracking, my mother told me I looked scared whilst waiting, probably because I was. I don't "pass" 100%, and my voice is pretty telling. However the barber was great, asked what cut I wanted, how short and that was it! I left the place feeling so much lighter and confident with myself, she's even noticed that I have been a bit happier since getting my hair cut. 

It's been nearly three weeks now and from there I only have two months to wait. Still, I will be focusing on catching up on my coursework as I'm behind thanks to depression. My tutor is aware and understanding at least!

My avatar is a zoomed in picture of the marking on top of a snake's head. The snake is a Jungle python and his name is Caine. He's one of my three snakes. 🙂

Thank you for your words of support!

[Doolhof]

Hi Ampersand,

It is wise of you to try to gain as much information as you can about where you are heading with your life and in wanting to change gender.

Are there transgender sites on the web that you can or have connected with? I am wondering if they have a particular support group addressing issues that may come up.

It is wonderful that your Mum and her boyfriend are being so supportive. I suppose it would have been a worry not knowing how they might react.

I grew up with two sisters. Before I was born, my parents lost a son who only lived for a few days. I grew up feeling like a disappointment to my Mum because I was a girl and not another boy. Mum made me boys clothes to wear and I had toy cars and hardly ever had a dress. My older sister was skinnier than me and taller, so I could never fit in her clothes.

I guess Mum had her own issues to deal with and must have been suffering from Post Natal Depression, grief and so much more. I feel sorry that Mum was not able to receive the help and assistance she needed.

I'm not all that much into make up now, I just don't seem to have the time to fuss about with it before I go to work in the mornings. Plus when I take my glasses off I can't see anyway, so my eye make up is a bit hit and miss. Ha. Ha.

So your avatar is of a python. I was close. We sometimes find lizards in our garden, mainly blue tongues. I pick them up and move them to a safer place when we are cleaning up.

My husband is freaked out when I show him one of the lizards! Ha. Ha. I shouldn't tease him like that.

It is half way through April so June is not far away. I hope you are able to concentrate on your course work. It is great your tutor understands you issues at present.

Having depression can make life difficult, so hopefully you will be able to see your study through. All the best with it all.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Ampersand,

I just spotted an interesting article about a transgender guy who is now into body building.

His name is Aydian Ethan Dowling. If you Google his name, hopefully his story will come up. I read the bit on saw and thought you might be interested.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

[Ampersand]

Hi Mrs. Dools, 

My most immediate step is to begin the name change process. I'll likely be pursuing it in the next month or two, as well as asking my family to start using it and my preferred pronouns. My current name which is very much feminine will no longer be an issue for me when I change it to a more neutral/masculine one. I'm sorta okay with my birth names, so I'll be using names derived from it. Sounds similar enough that I'll turn my head when it's called at any rate!

I haven't become a member of any specific transgender community (yet) but I have become a member of forums that do have gender, sexual and romantic minority groups on them. It's been great to be able to talk to people who have gone through similar experiences to me. I haven't participated in much conversation as I'm pretty introverted, but nonetheless the support is there.

It was a worry, I had heard about all these horror stories where people's families weren't supportive. I'm glad I don't have to worry about it anymore, but am saddened that others do.

 My mother miscarried between my eldest sister and I, she suspected the baby might have been a boy. Sorry that your mother suffered through Post Natal Depression, I can't imagine what that'd be like growing up with. 

I never understood makeup but my sisters like to use it. I think it's great if it makes people feel better though! Good luck with applying it, if I tried I'd probably end up looking like a clown.

Blue tongues are amazing lizards, I have three eastern blue tongued skinks all of which have quirky personalities. One of them is blind, she has cataracts but otherwise has good quality of life, and can eat unassisted (if a bit messily). 

Thanks for the info on the article! I have heard of him and have watched some of his YouTube videos. I hope Aydian is able to win the competition to be on the cover of Men's Health Magazine!

So far most of my support has been indirect in the form of watching other peoples transition journeys. It's amazing how they go from someone who has trouble smiling to someone bristling with confidence and smiles once they finally feel comfortable with themselves. I hope that I can become more confident once I start transitioning, but I know transition isn't the be all and end all, I'll need to work at fostering that confidence.

I found out that there's a Headspace in the next town over, I'm going to ring them for an appointment tomorrow! They also have a LGBTI group, I might join that too. 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Ampersand,

Thanks for your wonderful post. I too hope you manage to gain more confidence in life, not just through transitioning, but just in general as a person. We all thrive when we feel good about ourselves!

I love my Mum as she is my Mother, just our relationship has never been all that easy, mainly from her side. It would have been so easy for me to have just walked away and forgotten she was my Mum. It would have saved so much heartache, pain and tears. She is my Mum. So I have stuck by her.

I'm thinking of making a booking for a makeup session sometime. I need some new products as mine are so old! I read once where you are supposed to buy new stuff every 6 months or so!

Sounds like you have been doing a lot of research and have found some interesting forums and platforms to be a part of, even if you are just reading at present.

I admire your sense of determination and direction!

All the best, cheers for now from Mrs. Dools