Regaining control of my life.

[Ampersand]

Hi,

I’m not even sure where to begin here. I’ve been feeling, well... empty lately. I get periods of emotion where I feel unreasonably hopeless, irrationally angry or just downright weird. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder about eight years ago now, and I guess I’ve been existing with it ever since. I’ve never sought help for my problems, although multiple doctors have recommended I take anti-depressants and see a psychologist. I was very much against being medicated, but now… I’m not so sure any more.

I coped through escapism, writing, playing games, doing anything and everything but focusing on my problems. I still do it, and frankly, it’s ruining my life. Not to mention, it’s no longer working as a coping mechanism. I just can’t focus, I’m always tired, and I’m eating too much for the amount, or lack of, exercise I do. I feel stressed whenever I leave the house, going anywhere outside of the few safe places; that is places I’ve been to before, leaves my stomach churning and aching. Long drives are physically painful to the point of near tears sometimes, I find it hard to relax when there isn’t a bathroom nearby. I’m not ready to explain why, so bear with me on that please.

I get downright agitated when I’m disturbed on my bad days. I fight and argue with my mother, yell at her… call her names. I’ve broken things, said things a rational me would want to punch the irrational me for. I hate it when I can’t control my anger, hate it how it hurts my mother because she’s the only one I lash out at. It’s put a strain on our relationship, and since she is the only parent I have contact with, it makes me miserable to consider where I’d be without her. I feel very little connection to my siblings… like if one of them were to get hurt, I’m not sure if I’d be upset, angry sure, but upset? I’m not even sure if I know how to feel empathy for others anymore. My step grandfather passed away after battling cancer last year. I didn’t cry, wasn’t sure what to feel really. He was a better grandfather to me than my paternal, blood related one. People cope differently, I get that… it’s just… I used to be a pretty caring person.

I just feel like everything’s falling apart around me and the only thing I can do is cower where I am, waiting for someone to kick me while I’m down. I had more written down but the character limit isn't friendly to my long winded way of writing. I'll get around to posting it sooner or later, no doubt.

[Ampersand]

Hello Mrs. Dools,

Thank you as well for the welcome and compliments! I’m not that great with verbally expressing myself, but I find it much easier to get across my thoughts with writing. Short posts are taking a bit for me to adjust to as well, I hope you don’t have too much trouble with them.

That’s okay, I’m grateful you’ve replied despite not having had a look. It is daunting, especially when my family wants to go on a holiday somewhere or they want to go out as a family. Special concessions need to be made to accommodate my needs, and if we’re pressed for time, every extra bathroom break we need to take makes me feel like an inconvenience. For a long time I saw the way things were as my new ‘normal’. It’s taken a bit, however I’m finally coming to the conclusion that my mental health issues aren’t normal and that they do need treatment.

I’m going to give it a try. Like you I did go through phases where I thought I had it under control. I needed a wakeup call in the form of an argument with my mother to realise that no, it isn’t under control. It is reassuring to hear that you are making progress despite having gone through a troubling time in your life. It gives me some confidence that there is hope there for me, I just need to be receptive to it.

It’s also very reassuring to hear that you’re able to work part time. I tried working at one stage, a few years ago. My anxiety made it nearly impossible to get there on time and I eventually resigned. I’m studying to work in a different field, one that’s centred on the activities I enjoy and requires very little physical activity.

There’s another clinic nearby that has a full team of medical practitioners including a psychiatrist that visits the clinic. I’m going to give them a look, maybe a ring and see if they’ve had experience with spinal conditions if not Transverse Myelitis itself. I’ll also be looking up some practitioners as Geoff suggested, the next town over is larger and might have one that will suit my needs.

Thank you very much for the well wishes and encouragement. I’ve never written my mother a letter before, yet somehow that’s a compelling idea. Often when we talk about my problems, it’s pretty intense and I don’t get a chance to let her know how I really feel about her, so sometimes she thinks I hate her when it’s far from it. She’s been a pillar of support from the start of my problems, but hasn’t often received acknowledgement for being there for me. It’s time I change that.

[Ampersand]

Hello GratefulToday,

Thank you for following up with another message, it’s a good feeling knowing that people out there are spending their valuable time to talk to me.

I know now that it’s not a good way to be, thank you. My mother usually gets the brunt of my attitude which flares up when I’m hungry. It makes taking me places stressful on her, which makes me feel guilty once I’m over the mood swing. There was an alternative medication, the previous doctor I saw hadn’t heard of it, though I may be able to dig up an old script (now very much expired), to show a new doctor when I see them. Worst comes to worst, the side effect I didn’t like from the first one was the persistent dry mouth which I think has options for treating as well.

I used to take the bus in my old town to go to places like shops when my mother couldn’t drive me. It was a big thing for me, to have that independence. I don’t know the bus schedule here yet, but it’s another transport option for me and we have a bus stop along the street we live on. The bus here only goes each way three or four times a day – I think, and it takes about an hour according to Google maps to get to the next town over. That’s only twenty minutes longer than what the old town’s buses took, however, the old town had buses every half an hour during the day. It’ll mean that I need to sort out a routine if I want to go anywhere without first organising it with my mother (granted, I still let her know where I was at the old house). A routine would probably be on the whole, a good thing for me.

I’m not sure just how much of a mess I’d be if I didn’t have options to talk to people online. This is the first support forum I’ve participated in, and I’m quite glad it’s here, but others were good for just chatting about common interests. I’m an introvert and for the most part that social interaction has been enough to get by, although the feeling of isolation from nobody really knowing or understanding me had an impact that I’m working on mending now.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ampersand,

Thanks for getting back to us all. If it is easier for you, you can reply with a general message to all.

Please do try to write a letter to your Mum, I am sure she will treasure it. When we have conversations that are a little heated, it is very easy to say things that we regret later. I am sure we have all been there!

Despite my depression with its ups and downs, I still greatly enjoy my life and try to take pleasure in each day. I only work part time because I have a back injury as well. If it wasn't for that, I would love to return to aged care full time in a home.

I now care for the elderly in their own homes doing domestic duties and taking them shopping. It is more than that, as I like to spend extra time with them having a cuppa and a chat when possible on my own time.

I like your idea of checking out the bus system in your town. A little independence is great. Phoning the Drs and asking what is available there is a step in the right direction as well. I hope you are able to receive the help you need.

Yesterday I had a lovely day, I created some hangings for the bedroom using 3 flat canvases I covered with oriental style material. I spent a little time with the chooks, wrote a letter to a friend overseas, spent some time with the chooks and in the evening sat out in the garden and watched the sunset.

Today we are heading to the beach will have lunch at my husband's favourite pub and later on will go and visit his parents for dinner.

I was just thinking of your problem with needing the toilet. When my back is really bad and I am a little stressed, I need to use the toilet about every half hour! When we moved to this region 2 years ago, one of the first things I did was to locate every public toilet I could find! Some people might check out the best coffee shop or bakery, but for me it is the toilets! Ha. Ha.

Wishing you all the best on your journey of discovery, learning more about yourself and all the possibilities ahead of you! I will be checking this thread out to see how you are getting on.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Pixie15]

Hi Ampersand,

I am sure that your mother understands and forgives your negative behavior but it would be good to do something to show her you do appreciate her support. 

It sounds like you have worked out a plan of action for yourself. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.

Grateful.

[Ampersand]

Dear Geoff,

It certainly messes with my sleeping schedule, or lack of. I woke up only twice last night so it was one of my better nights. I might mention this to the doctor when I see them next regarding my physical health. While others might not have experienced my exact situation, it's enough for me to receive understanding and compassion regarding it. To know that I'm not a lessor person for having these challenges.

I am deeply appreciative of the time and effort put forth from members of this forum for posting on this thread and checking back for replies. Maybe one day, I'll be able to help others through their tough times. I used to be a fairly empathetic person, my social skills have suffered from a lack of interaction, so it's hard to put myself in another person's shoes now. However, knowing that everyone else here has at one stage or another experienced (or is experiencing) tough times, whether it be them or a loved one of theirs, gives me something I can identify with and find common ground on which to interact with.

That's okay. Yes, I think it was as a direct result of falling ill with Transverse Myelitis. My childhood wasn't exactly sunshine and daisies (father was abusive), so the TM and following hospital experience that I endured might have been the final straw in regards to my mental health at that time. Of the PTSD symptoms the only one I don't get is flashbacks, of which I'm thankful for. The avoidance hasn't helped me on my path to mental recovery... I foresee a lot of dragging what memories I do have of it over the coals in order to get to the bottom of the problem.

I'll have to do that I think, print out some information on TM. It's been so long with it that I can't differentiate between what level of movement I had prior and what level of movement I have now. Whatever I did have isn't my normal anymore, this is.

Knowing someone's likely to be here every hour of the day is a relief. Sometimes I stay up really late just thinking, it might be more productive to come here when I am to distract me from negative thoughts.

Thank you! I had a lot going for me before I got sick which I lost out on because of the TM. From there my mental health interfered with many attempts at getting back on the horse, which ultimately led me to doing nothing about my future, instead I was existing day by day. There's a lot out there that I had told myself I couldn't do. But now? There's a flicker of hope.

[Ampersand]

Hello Mrs. Dools,

I'll likely use this thread for the duration that I'm here, and will reply frequently. So far I've run into trouble with the character limit, but once I'm used to condensing replies without losing the important message I may manage a one post reply to everyone.

It's good to know that I'm not the only person who says things in the heat of an argument. She has been forgiving toward me for it, and doesn't usually bring it up unless something I said caused her concern.

You are a very inspiring person to be able to take your experiences and still try to take pleasure in each day! In rehabilitation I saw a lot of adult and elderly folk struggle with things like hip replacements, strokes and even one gentleman was recovering from Guillain Barrè Syndrome. He would encourage me as I progressed from just trying to stand to walking with a rollator and then crutches, while not identical conditions the physiotherapy process was similar.

That you now go to elderly peoples homes and provide assistance with domestic duties and just be there for them for a chat, it means a lot to me that there are people out there doing this. Before my step grandfather lost his battle with cancer a blue nurse would visit and give my Nanna a break from caring for him. The breaks she had, however short, gave her time to refresh her mind and relax from some of the stress. I am hoping I can improve as well. If the current way things are working holds out I should at least be looking at making appointments this next week. 

Your day yesterday sounds really relaxing! I like to sit outside sometimes and watch the birds. We have Kookaburras, Ravens, Rainbow Lorikeets and Crimson Rosellas visit daily. I hope your beach visit goes well! Where we are the beaches have white sand and are beautiful, although we go later in the afternoon as there is less people around. The sand even squeaks. It was surprising as sand doesn't squeak where we used to live in NQLD.

Bathrooms are the first thing I scope out, helps to be prepared ahead of time. Service stations with locked bathrooms are my worst enemy at times, though I understand why they lock them.

Thanks for the well wishes Mrs. Dools!

~~~

Hello GratefulToday,

I think she would appreciate it too, being a parent seems like a thankless job at times, she's dealt with a fair share of teenage rebellion and strife. If it wasn't for her, I'm not sure where I'd be. Some parents rock!

I'll keep in touch as well, and thanks once again!

[geoff]

dear Ampersand,I'm sure that Mrs. Dools and Grateful feel the same as I do, although I shouldn't speculate, but not only can you post a comment but there maybe other posts on this site which may interest you.

Yes I'm one of those old men who is overcoming a hip replacement lol, but looking for toilets also happens with me.

I feel as though you are an inspiration from what you are coping with and what you have overcome in the past, and I totally respect you. Geoff.

[Ampersand]

Dear Geoff,

I've been reading through some of the posts on this forum. There is a wealth of information from personal experiences to methods of coping. It's an amazing resource that I will be paying special attention to when I need it. Thank you for the push in the right direction.

I hope you are recovering well with the hip replacement. It seemed like an invasive procedure that required difficult rehabilitation. If only places had more bathrooms installed, few places seem to cater to the number of visitors which oft leads to waiting. Not a fan of waiting.

Thank you Geoff, that is one of the best things I have heard someone say to me and it's doing wonders for bolstering my self esteem. When I was first diagnosed with TM I wanted to be an advocate for the condition. Time went on, I withdrew into my safe place. Maybe once I'm more confident with myself as a person, I could work on that once more.

I've booked myself in to see a doctor at the local practice. I'm not sure how far this is going to get me as the practice's website doesn't have much information listed about the things they have treated. However if they cannot cater to my needs, I'll just find somewhere else. I looked at the "find a professional" and have seen that there's a psychologist in the next town over. Not too far and I'm pretty sure a bus goes through there, might ask to get a referral to them if the docs feel I need to see one.

I've also spoken to my mother about the state of my mental health. The conversation quickly derailed onto my physical health, both of which are sorely in need of attention. I love her a lot and want her to be proud of me, but she seems a bit dismissive of the impact my mental state is having on me. I've always been the kind of person to direct most issues internally. I wasn't rebellious, I don't party, drink or take recreational drugs, none of those things interested me. TM ruined what social life I had then, and I haven't wanted to rebuild it. Why should I after all, wouldn't I just be a burden to my friends? Yet, perhaps my vices can be just as damaging if it's led me to ignoring my health and well-being.

All in all she's supportive of my desire to seek help. I can't blame her for being somewhat dismissive, I'm a lot better than what I used to be and my sister is having lots of her own problems. My mother's got a lot on her plate that I can't fault her for it. The big thing is that she's supportive of me in wanting to seek help.

[Pixie15]

Hi Ampersand,

Good to hear that you have arranged to see your local doctor.

It is a long time since I have changed practitioners but I had my medical records forwarded from the previous doctor to my current one. If you did this it might help your doctor to understand your medical history and what treatments you have already received.

cheers,

Grateful.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ampersand,

I have just been reading  the messages here. It is great to look back and see the wonderful progress you are making! I find it very encouraging to see people who are willing to help themselves and share their stories so others may benefit as well.

While you are staying up late, instead of just thinking what may be negative thoughts, could you channel those thoughts into poetry, cross words, Sudoku puzzles, or something more positive to your mind.

Or research something you have been interested in. Put something really random into Google and see what comes up. I put in "singing cats" once and was surprised what showed up. Gives the brain a break from the negative!

I'm sure millions of people say things they wish they never did in the heat of an argument or disagreement. When it happens, the thing is to apologise.

I do try to find something pleasurable each day. When I am really depressed it is not easy, but I still try to do it. I have literally stopped in a street, lent over a fence and smelt a rose. Taking in the perfume, the softness of the petals and the form of the flower, it amazes me at how beautiful nature is.

Yes, I know what you mean about squeaky sand. It is a strange occurrence. We went to Bali once where there was black volcanic sand on the beach. That was very course.

I care for a lady who has respite from her husband a couple of times a week as he has dementia and she is not handling it very well. When the three of us are together, I try to make jokes and laugh with her husband, so the wife does not feel so tense around him. She is starting to laugh more herself now which is lovely to see and hear.

All the best with the Drs. Be patient with them until they learn more about your disease if they are not familiar with it. We all need to learn something to be aware of it in the first place.

You deserve a gold start for your determination and perseverance! Well done!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools