"Addicted" to a friendship, please help

[Ray216]

For 4 years since starting uni I haven't had normal mental health for various reasons ranging from social loneliness to death anxiety. But currently I'm stuck in a very weird problem and my mentality is honestly malfunctioning.

So essentially, for 3 years at uni I totally struggled to make any friendships, I got terrible depression and my grades went to ruin. Last year things turned around, I started doing good in studies again and met my current best friend.

For a socially-incapable ASD person like me, surprisingly her and I had a lot in common and we really connected. She and I became quite close and life was good for some time. I did end up falling in love, and was turned down, and that hurt a lot, but currently it's a somewhat separate issue.

Mostly I asked her out because I genuinely liked her, but a part of it was a desperate gambit to keep her around a bit longer. It's the first real friendship I experienced in ages and I am terrified to lose it. This year we have many of the same courses, and next year, not so much, and it's actually influencing my choice of electives because I desperately want more chances to be with her.

But I am certain my concerns with our friendship has become obsessive and unhealthy. I would frequently check Facebook to see if she said anything to me. I would get frustrated when I get messages from other people because I thought the notification was her. When she doesn't come to uni I feel like shit, and as even as I write this I'm literally looking out the window to see if she'll come to class today.

I know this is weird and wrong. If she knew she'd probably be somewhat freaked out. But I don't know, my brain seems broken right now. Help.

[Hang10]

Hi Ray216,

It always uplifting when we find people who understand ourselves and encourages us to be more after our dreams and goals.

The power of true friendship has this gift. It can be at times overpowering and can take you away if you let it.

When we want to advance the friendship and to go up potentially another level things can get very confusing and complicated.

Can understand how much this person has helped changed your life by being more social confident and also help lifting your uni marks to another level.

These feelings have led to asking her out as you needing the feeling of wanting her around in your life to deal with things you struggling with. But this alone can’t make things work on a relationship level.

From the post, it seems your friend have reached a level that right for her. One at friendship. I think maybe you are scaring her away with maybe beening to clingy or not able to give her space for not been independent enough.

It hurts when a bond is broken. Try to remember all the wonderful things your friendship had or have. Work on things that you and only you can do. Give your friend space. Show leadership and control from you. Work on things that you can do to make you happy for you.

Your friend has helped you to get where you are. Use the skills her friendship has taught you and to help improve as a person in you.

Maybe in time the friendship can go back to a level like before where this time you be more independent and confident in yourself. Try not to scare her away even more as the chances of true friendship will decay that much more and may never get to that level it once was.

Respect her wishes and wish her well in her adventures in life. Work on yourself and maybe the friendship will come back bigger and better than ever before.

All the best.

Hang10.

[Ray216]

Thank you so much for replying. Some of the insights you offered hit the nail on the spot. It's going to be hard but I will try to restore a normal behaviour and mentality about my friendship. I know I should probably try to make new friends too but currently my "clingyness" to Fynn (friend's name) is preventing it. It just feels like I don't want to have new people in my life for fear of diluting my interactions with her.

Everything you said is so right. But it will be a struggle to convince my subconscious of that.

[Hang10]

Hey Ray216,

Time will help heal things. When you at your most fragile, maybe try to listen to some music to help deal with emotions. Music helps deal with moods.

You meet many people in your lifetime some good experience and some not so. Some will forever touch our hearts.

Life a journey, the journey is one that just starting for you.

Can you still say hi to your friend Fynn and talk about normal day to day things without no heavy emotions. That level back to basics. Hope that level is still can be at that mutual level.

Having other friends don’t mean that your friendship with Fynn will be diluted, or mean less. In fact it might help you see how wonderful your friend is and that with other friendships you learn more about yourself and build more understanding of yourself. We all have many friends in life but for most of us we only have one or a couple who are our best friend. They are only best friends when we learn from other friendships how great they are.

I shore she see how great your friendship is when you at your best. Your best can keep getting better. Learning to deal with setbacks, disappointments and hurt will in the end make our best even stronger if we can deal with these emotions by dealing with these emotions you attract more positives from the increase of your best due to dealing with these emotions.

Hope this helps a little for you Ray.

Cheers

Hang10.