Past friends

[Tuilop]

Hi everyone,

I am new to the forum so hope you are all doing well. I am on the edge at the moment as I have left my friend for 10 years due to some reasons that I don't feel very comfortable saying. It hurts me as well that he has done these actions as we were very close as friends and we new both each other's families etc. Whenever I am out in public I am always on the look out to see if he's there (as we live pretty close) so I know when to hide, I hate doing this it really annoys me as I go out pretty often. I haven't given him a very good explanatory of why I am not friends with him (as I have basically given up on him...) I just blocked him on all social media contacts and left him on the edge although we did not talk often so I guess it doesn't really matter. I am thinking of changing my appearance in public so I don't get spotted but in reality I don't want to do that. Every day I am thinking of my friend and how I should have left him its just non-stop.

Hopefully we can get this matter resolved...

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Tuilop

I wanted to say welcome to the forums and I am so glad that you have chosen to speak and join us here in a wonderful supportive community. You will not be judged or criticized here, you can say as much or as little as you want/need, we are here for you.

I just wanted to put something to you in that you said you chose to end the friendship, I am wondering if this is truly what you indeed want to do? The reason I say that is that I hear that you say in public you want to avoid this person and you are thinking of changing your appearance to avoid recognition. I am just thinking if you were 100% sure of leaving your friend, that it was indeed better for your wellbeing etc..that you would be feeling at peace with it, that you would feel that inside you have made a good choice for you. Now I am by no means suggesting you have made a bad choice I am just wondering that if you have made the best choice for you.

Friendships are hard and they take work and if this friend is no longer for you that is totally fine and that is what life is all about, finding our people who we connect with and can have meaningful relationships with, that they in turn make us feel good and supported and we do the same for them. Sometimes these friendships go through a rough patch when someone hurts us, sometimes unintentionally and without knowing.

If this ended friendship has left you wanting to change who you are and change your appearance that does not sound like peace to me, I may have this wrong and you might just wanting to be doing the whole avoidance thing as you are hurt, but I think you should be able to go out and be you, and not have to change and be at peace with your choice.

I am so sorry you are going through this tough time and I am here for you if you would like to chat some more, I would really like to know what you have thought about my suggestion to you.

Hope today brings a smile.

Hugs to you

AS

[smallwolf]

Hi, welcome to beyond blue. I understand you might be embarrassed (?) by whatever has happened between you and your friend that you cannot talk about it. In this space you will are not judged by whatever has happened - you are only supported as you go through a troubling time. It also sounds like you want to talk to someone about it as you think about every day and refer to this person as a friend.

It sounds as though your friend hurt you in some way. How did you find out what he had done?

How do see your future?

Tim

[Tuilop]

Hi Aarsonsis and smallwolf,

I appreciate your warm welcome sincerely thank you. With your questions Aaronsis if I was very sure about leaving him... I just didn't want to be apart of his life anymore as I felt like I made stuff worst for him and sometimes I just overreact and just overly think about changing my appearance because of one person and think that he's going to do something that he is not capable of. I was probably around a 99% on leaving him since I just had enough of his actions and how he has treated me in the past but too be fair with you I know I will probably come back to him as there is exams coming up and I am stressing over them and taking actions in another way. (Too smallwolf) I have found on what he had done by previous occasions and friends that are connected via him telling me what he has done which turned out to be true, too be fair I do want to talk to someone about it but at the same time not really...

Thanks guys,

Tuilop

[smallwolf]

So you are not year ready to talk to anyone about what has happened. That's OK - there may come a time when you are. A while ago I was reading a book about forgiveness - it was written by Desmond Tutu's daughter and spoke of the 4 stages of forgiveness. There were also some exercises at the end of each chapter. With the exercises, or at the end of each stage, it mentions that sometimes it takes a long time to be able to get through the current stage to get to the next. stage. So... that you are not ready to talk about it yet also show to some degree the level of pain it seems to have caused. And judging by your reply to Aarsonsis it seems you were somewhat intent on leaving him anyway. If so, breakup are not easy either, and how we react will be different for each person.

I see that you have exams coming up on Friday - good luck with those and hope you are able to get sufficient study done to pass. Remember to use any distraction or coping tools if you have to, and breathe through each day.

Tim

[Tuilop]

Thank you Tim,

My exams are on next week Thursday ;), interesting book that you just said might take a read of that. Thank you for all of your support during this to let off some steam.

Tuilop