Not being able to moving forward

[Shannlee]

Hi all,

I've never written anything like this online before so here it goes..

I guess I feel as though I'm not getting anywhere in life, I lost my best friend very unexpectedly 2 years ago which of course left me devastated. But because of family issues (world war 3 every night between parents) I was not able to grieve properly. Since then I have moved house a few times but had been constantly worried about my younger siblings who were still home so I had to step in and remove them from there, so they now live with me. This caused more issues between our parents. 

The few friends I do still have don't like to talk to me all that much and they have admitted to me that my depression is something think is too much effort and would rather be around someone who is happy all of the time. That hurts me. I have listened to them but having people you love tell you that you are too much effort is really a kick in the guts.

I just seem to be stuck in the rut and cannot find a way to climb out.

[White_Rose]

Dear Shannlee

Hello, welcome to Beyond Blue.  I am so sorry no one has responded to you yet. You are going through a rough time personally and have the added stress of caring for your siblings. That takes a huge amount of courage, energy and determination. How many siblings do you have? How are you managing with them? You have my admiration for doing this.

People are afraid of depression so avoid it as much as possible. I doubt this is really personal, more a reaction to their fear, but it certainly feels personal and extremely hurtful. So these folk can't help. Let them go out of your life. Trying to keeps friends like that will cause you more stress and anxiety than you can manage.

Go and have a chat to your GP and see what he/she can offer. I want to write a great deal more but I need to go. Hopefully I will write tomorrow.

Hang in there.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Shannlee

In the immortal words of Arnie, "I'm back".

How are you managing with your siblings? I presume they all go to school. Are they old enough to be able to get themselves off to school if you are working? If not, can you manage your work hours around these needs?

Do you now have legal responsibility for your siblings? If so do you receive financial assistance from CentreLink? Sorry to ask all these questions. I am hoping you have all these supports in place otherwise life is more difficult than it need be.

The issues experienced by your parents are just that, your parents' issues. It is up to them to sort them out, but you could suggest they look for help from Relationships Australia. Other than that, try not to be involved, again for your own mental health.

How are your siblings coping with being away from their parents? They may be happier and more secure with you but have unpleasant memories of being with mom and dad. It seems to me that all the children have experienced a hard time. Have you talked to anyone about this? I don't mean your friends who are not helpful. What about your GP? I have a wonderful GP who helps me manage my depression and general mental health. Have a chat with your GP as a starting point. He/she will be able to refer you to a psychologist for help if it is warranted. Also talk about your siblings and their needs.

It's always good to be as informed as possible about depression so I suggest you explore the BB site and read as much as possible. Look under The Facts and Resources in the tabs at the top of the page. You will find heaps of information. If you are concerned or just need to talk to someone, phone the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636. It is available 24/7. Or you could phone Lifeline on 13 14 11. Another source of help is the Kid's Helpline on 1800 55 1800. They will be able to discuss any help your siblings may require.

We all need someone to talk to, not necessarily about depression. The organisations I have mentioned can give you some contacts for joining support groups. It may not sound much but these people have been where you are and understand how it feels. They will listen and help you. And it is amazing how much difference it makes when others can validate your experiences.

I hope you will write in again.

Mary

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Shannlee,

Welcome to BB and thanks for reaching out.

I completely agree and support what Mary has said and encourage you to reach out.  From what you've said, it sounds as though you've had to go through a lot lately and haven't really had time to take care of yourself and put yourself first.  I think that this is really important.

One thing I want to add is to let you know that you are not "too much effort". When I was in high school I had a group of friends that never used to understand my depression and used to say to me things like "Why don't you just be happy?".  They said that I was miserable to be around.  This totally took a hit on my self-esteem and self-worth. I know that you have other things going on but having friends that understand you and don't judge you are so important. 

I hope this helps. Take care

🙂

[Shannlee]

Hi thanks for replying,

I've got 2 siblings who are 18 and 16 so they can easily look after themselves but I tend to mother them a bit. We have finally got everything sorted financially.

In the midst of looking after my brother and sister they have told me they look to me as more of a mother figure than our actual mum, so I guess that might be part of why I mother them more than necessary.

I have spoken to my GP and been put on antidepressants, and I know they are not a magical pill that'll make everything better. I do have days where I think, wow, this is working and I can do this but other days I struggle to make it out of bed.

With mum and dad I have tried to distance myself from their issues as much as I can, but mum likes to come to my house and start talking to me about all her issues with dad. Even if i tell her I don't want to hear about her issues she still talks about them. It's hard to escape from it.

I have managed to pull myself out of a really bad place from the start of the year, suicide and self harm were very consuming thoughts and actions. That's what prompted me to go see the GP, and I thought I had to do this for my siblings. But now I feel myself sinking back into that hole, and so wanted to reach out and find some support for myself.

So thanks again for replying, your words really do mean a lot to me.

[Shannlee]

It is hard when my friends can see I'm trying and they still dont think its enough and should be happy like I was in high school. That was 4 years ago, my whole world has changed since then and they dont seem to understand that.

I'm very slowly, painfully learning to put myself first and to look after myself and whats best for me.

Hears to a good day tomorrow 🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear Shannlee

Great to hear from you again. Yes it is a painful journey and so often we are tempted to give up and stay as we are. You have started well by reaching out here. Keep it up.

I very much doubt your friends can see how much work you are putting in. They have no experience of the difficulties you are trying to manage so all the "stuff" in the background just does not register with them. Added to which I imagine it is difficult to spend a great deal of time with them because of your home and work commitments.

Have you managed to visit your GP for a chat? This is very important for you as you need support and comfort. Please make the effort. It will pay dividends to talk face to face with someone who can help. Don't be afraid. Your doctor cannot discuss you with anyone else. And I think you would find it helpful to talk to a psychologist, although this is up to you and your doctor. Please take the first step.

I am presuming you go to work. Is there anyone there you can talk to? Not necessarily someone your own age, but perhaps an older person. If you feel there is someone you can trust, start the conversation slowly and gauge their reaction. Just a few comments until you feel safe and comfortable. Again, it is good to talk with someone who is ready to listen.

How many siblings do you have? It's great that you love them and want to keep them safe. Getting support from trustworthy people will help even more. Which brings me back to your doctor. At this stage my children would be saying, "Mom, I know what you're saying. Stop nagging." Sorry if that's how I appear. I am very concerned about your well-being.

Take care of yourself and write in again as soon as you can.

Mary