noone understands

[C_DUB]

Lately I have been feeling so isolated and the worst part is I have been doing it to myself. I feel like no matter how hard I explain how I feel no one understands, and why should they? I cant even fully comprehend what I'm feeling inside let alone explain it to someone else. I have tried to explain it to my boyfriend as my depression is taking a toll on our relationship but I can tell that it is beginning to feel like a burden everytime i feel 'upset'.  My depression has been at an all time high with me not wanting to go to work, see my friends and family or even leave my room. I used to have the closest relationship with my mum and see her all the time but now I feel that I need to lie to her because it kills her seeing me like this and she thinks its her fault, then when I lie to her I feel even worse (terrible cycle). I have tried talking to a professional about my situation but I just feel like no one understands where I am coming from and they are judging me... and thats what lead me here. I need to hear from other people in my same situation how to help fix this, I just feel so broken all the time. Please help me get back to myself.

[Paul]

Hey C_DUB

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums! 

I'm so glad you found us. We're here to help and all of us understand because we're just like you. We've got this stupid illness that has us having to hide from loved ones with excuses, hide in a safe spot at home and feel sad and hopeless for no reason that makes any sense! It's so frustrating and upsetting sometimes for us and for people we care about. A lot of the time people we care about are upset as well because they are unsure what to do which leads to a bit of a predicament!

Good news is there are resources here for our loved ones to help them understand. In the menus below "For me", "Friends and family" has some great information for people who love someone who has depression and helps them understand what's going on.

Your opening line says "The worst part is I've been doing it to myself". That's sort of true but also symptomatic and typical of depression, all we want to do is hide then we blame ourselves which can start a cycle of making things worse! Depression is so complex.

Another cycle you describe is seeing your mum and the effect on her and how you feel about that - it must be really hard on you both. I'm hopeful that the information on the site will help your mum a bit.

One thing I can assure you about is that you won't be judged on here!  (feeling like you're being judged is another of the rotten things about depression!) We're here to help or listen or both.

Do you know what started your depression?

Have you found what the triggers are (the things that make you upset and cause a downward spiral)?

Keep holding on C_DUB, stay in touch with us and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Paul

[geoff]

dear C_DUB, hello and thanks for talking to us, and I'm so sorry for what is happening to you, because depression is such a curse.

Can I just add on to what Paul has said and that's to click onto 'Resources' at the top of this page and 'order all the printed material' from BB, it's all free, but it may help both you and your mum in understanding what this illness involves, perhaps your boyfriend may also read it, but that's your choice, especially if you feel as though it will benefit him.

Sometimes when we get depression our loved ones feel responsible, but when they believe this and actually say this then they are not guilty, it's those who would never admit it that could be guilty, like a domineering parent who will never listen to what you have to say.

If your counsellor judges you then he/she are not the right person to talk to you, because their job is to leave this topic open, and ask questions which will make you think, but if they criticise you in any way, this means that you have change counsellors.

You don't go to a psychologist where all they do is judge you and tell you what to do, because it will never help, and only make you worse.

Their job is to try and understand why you feel this way and then work out how they will be able to help you, and if you aren't responsive or can't give them an answer then they have to change tactics.

There are times when we know why we get depression, such as losing a loved one, but many times we don't know why, and that's what really annoys us, because if we knew then there could be on going strategies to help us. Geoff. x

[_NaturalTalent_]

Hey C_DUB,

 Im sorry to hear you are going through this. This was me a few years ago, I may have even been worse.

My whole life has been more of a let down than not, now while I realise most people feel this way, most people can look back and see huge happy memories that block other stuff out, I don't have that.

I got to the point where I had switched to working from home over a network, about 95% of the time, I only went in to work if I had to physically touch something. I would leave the house maybe once or twice a month, even get my groceries delivered to me.

This went on for about 2 years

Eventually due to circumstances I was dragged out of the house more and more often, up to about twice a week now, some friends made me come to their parties, I bought a puppy and everything that comes along with one lol, I met someone and eventually started dating again, finally got my licence (at 24!), went to work most of the time, did my own shopping, everything changed...

Now for me, it was mostly meeting my partner that gave me the confidence and desire to get out into the world again, but that's what you need, the confidence and desire, oh you may have it, but your mind focuses more on reasons NOT to leave, filling you with dread...

Solutions? Get other people to drag you out of the house. If you have anxiety and stress about being out, use what I call the toilet trick, disappear off to the toilet for 5 mins, just have a breather. It may only help for a little while longer but believe me that's all it takes, you keep pushing yourself a little more every time and it gets easier and easier.

Use your passions. Do you like shopping? Going for a drive or walk? Do you like reading, go to a book store and just browse, ignore the people around you their busy with their books, but at the same time, put yourself in the middle of them, your anxiety will ping but seriously nobody else there could care less what your doing there, just like a library, find these tests, where your anxiety about being away from home are triggered but you can plainly see its for absolutely no reason...

The biggest thing though is pushing yourself, when your sitting there umm'ing and R'ing over whether you can be bothered doing it, just say 'stuff it ill just do that then sit back down'... Again the more you push yourself the more you will just do it, and start catching yourself JUST doing things you never did before..

[Ellie05]

Hi C_DUB,

I know how you feel. I recently was hit with an intense bout of depression and anxiety which resulted in me reaching out to friends for help and family for emotional support out of pure desperation. Everyone was so supportive and quick to convince me that it wasn't a burden to them, however I fully (naively) expected myself to 'snap out of it' and return to normal relatively quickly. The worst is over, but the struggle is still there and I now know it will take some time before I recover. I don't feel comfortable talking to family and friends anymore because I feel like it will simply drain and worry them the longer it goes on. I guess the important thing to do is to try your best to maintain contact without letting your depression dominate the time you have with them.  It's really key that you get out and be with other people to try and take your mind of things. Maybe next time you feel like you're in a relatively good place you could call your mum just to have a chat about something light hearted? She's probably going to worry more if you cut yourself off from her than if you were to keep lines of communication open (even if that communication sometimes includes you talking about your struggles).