My Story

ALL · ‎30-10-2014

i really need to share this. no one knows everything yet.

So the first memories I have of anxiety are from about 8 years ago. The very first thought I had was on a windy night close to the beach I thought there would be a tsunami that would kill me while I was asleep. Safe to say I didn’t sleep that night. From there things only got worse and I started to be worried about everything, all the time. I would feel the worries crammed in my head and they were things I should be worried about. I got a fear of eating in public, started to do ‘rituals’ that were OCD like where I believed if I didn’t do them something bad would happen. I would stay up all night until I got it right ( this is still going on). It was horrible. I eventually went to see the school counsellor and things started to look up. I was using occasions like lent to force myself to give up OCD habits. But as one went another came. I got to a stage where I was feeling anxious, but like I could cope. But that went downhill really quick I got headaches, I couldn’t eat, felt sick all the time. The anxiety had manifested into physical symptoms and depression had come as well. Everything was an effort. I think this was the first time my mum really took notice and after a year of putting of seeing a psychologist she let me go. But now, while the worries aren’t crammed in my head anxiety has me wired all the time. I can’t relax and I am being pushed aside. My concerns are always ‘just anxiety’ and everything I have an opinion on is wrong. Apparently it’s all my fault. My depression ( and i know its a different forum) was openly denied to my doctor by my mum and she told me ‘its not like you are sick and you need treatment’. She doesn’t get it, despite what I have given her and told her. She won’t research on her own either. Im starting to feel alone and the one place I should feel comfortable, home, is the place where I feel the least comfortable.i dont want to try anymore and im starting to talk and yell at myself. at the same time i feel better because its not just in my head,l i dont think i have ever been worse? My relationship with my family is starting to go rigid.everything is just driving me nuts! HELP! Has anyone had a similar experience? I just really needed to tell someone the whole story.

Thankyou for reading 🙂

ALL · ‎03-11-2014

Hahah, im always on here. This website is the only place i really have support.

speaking of support, thankyou so much for yours. im glad that you and your son are able to connect well, and im sorry things havent worked out for you.

My friends mum did said that, that my mum is from the generation where people were called nutters...

my dad can be emotional, he just doesnt understand the fact that someone cant control their emotions. i said outright to him ( before i told my mum) after i yelled at him once 'sometimes people with anxiety cant control their emotions'. he didnt take the hint...

apparently my mum had a rough child hood but no one will tell me what happened. i was always scared of telling her for fear she wouldnt understand, but after finding out her mum had depression and her brother has bipolar i thought she would get it. oh well...

i had a pretty bad day yesterday. like seriously bad ( more depression than anxiety). but today i woke up and havent worried once! its so odd. this hasnt happened in a while. part of it might be the fact that in the last 24 hours she has started to let go and open up a bit.

i know this will probably spoil it though- i have agreed with myself that this week im going to sit down and talk to her about everything, just make her listen, and hope that this final attempt works. i think it might be a deciding factor. i was going to do it last night with my dad too but chickened out. i didnt know whether or not to just go mum first or wait for dad. what do you think? ( dad works away Monday-Thursday). im going to tell her how i feel, and how she is making me feel. someone told me once to not look at it like im hurting her, but helping myself. and at the moment, if i dont help myself im not going to cope.

i hope you and your son are well. thankyou so much for checking in on me. it means the world. let me know how things are going for you also

ALL

dougall · ‎03-11-2014

Hi ALL I really don't know your mums character so I can only tell you from my point of view, being a mum and if my son wanted to talk to me I think I would like him to start by saying have you a moment to hear how I am feeling and if the time is not appropriate then ask her to tell you a time when she can give her attention solely to you. I think talking to both individually would help as I don't know whether your mum and dad communicate with one another very well. We can all talk to people but it takes a lot to communicate how we feel and listen. I would just talk about how you feel about yourself and not mention how she makes you feel because then she will be thinking of answers to you disliking what she is doing. Sometimes parents can be self absorbed and not realise what they are doing to their kids is wrong. Some people find it hard to talk about what has happened in the past so stuff it down real deep. My ex husband did that with his father, I was with him for 17 years and still don't understand why he has so much hatred for him. I think if you just say you feel unable to cope and would like to be able to chat to your mum when you are feeling stressed. Just to get off your mind what is bothering you, she does not have to do anything but listen. Say sometimes you just want to know that you can go to her to be safe. Trying to make people listen will only make them switch off, you should know that. Every time I want to talk about things with my son that he does not want to talk about he says oh mum and there is no conversation. You can chat to me anytime you like about anything as I will listen and give you my advice or tell you about my experience. I think a little at a time because people only hear that much in the beginning. Good luck with your mum and dad.

Pixie15 · ‎03-11-2014

Hi All,

You are only young. My son and husband both suffer from anxiety. Looking back now I wish I had known enough when my son was sixteen to get him more help. He was not diagnosed till he was away from home at university. Before this I attributed most of my husbands anxious responses to being a bloke as he always said he did not want to do something never that he could not do it because he felt anxious. I guess I did the same thing to a degree with my son.

Your mother might be afraid of your being diagnosed because of what she has seen happen in the past with other family members. Even though treatment methods have improved these days there is still the risk of negative consequences if a person is not diagnosed correctly.

One thing to keep in mind is that only doctors and psychiatrists and clinical psychologists can actually make a diagnosis. Your counselors and psychologists could be wrong. While you are waiting to see one of these you might try some of the exercise and lifestyle choices in the BB brochures on Anxiety.

I think I remember in the first post you spoke about giving up things for lent. This suggest that your family may be religious. If this is the case have you thought about speaking to a pastor or minister about your situation. That might be someone that your parents would listen to.

Grateful.

ALL · ‎04-11-2014

Hi Grateful,

i know i am young, and that initally made me question the diagnosis. i know they usually dont until the age of 18. i asked my psychologist ( who is a clinical psychologist) over and over ( because im actually petrified that she will get the diagnosis wrong and that it will send everything crashing down), and she said yes there is anxiety there. she wants me to see a psychiatrist more for my own acceptance of anxiety, but unfortunatly my mum just wont act. ( i had to push her to make the first phone call. that person was booked and even though she has a whole list of others she wont do it.)

in terms of religion, no im not overly. but i did use it as a time of motivation because i see religion as a way to better myself rather than anything else. my parents are even less then i am so they wouldnt listen to a pastor or minister. but thankyou for the suggestion.

i hope you are well,

ALL

Mal50 · ‎04-11-2014

Hello All,

I can honestly tell you that the only people who really understand the devastating affect of anxiety attacks are those who've suffered from them.

I've suffered severe anxiety attacks for many years and no amount of prescription drugs have helped.

dougall · ‎04-11-2014

Hi ALL how are you going, getting anywhere with conversations?

ALL · ‎05-11-2014

Hey Mal50,

Yeah, i guess that makes sense. with me its more constant though, all day every day with just peak moments ( that could i guess be called episodes..)

im not on medication, nor am i allowed to be.

i guess im looking for people who just accept it, and if i say something like 'im scared to talk to this person', i dont want 'why?' but 'thats okay, lets talk it through'

ALL · ‎05-11-2014

Hi dougall,

im actually pretty good. havent initiated conversation yet, but its for an alright reason.

sunday was a horrible day for me. like- things went very down hill. Monday i woke up and no worries. for the whole day there were minimal aches and pains, and little worry. those i had, i could control. that lasted monday, tuesday and is sort of here today, sorta going.

it was the most amazing feeling. its been 8 years since i felt like that. i cant tell you in words what thats like.

relating back to your post though, i know that conversation will get heated. so im just going to indulge in the good feeling for a few days. then i will start.

how are you? i hope your feeling okay. *cyber hug* . i will try to sent you some of the good feeling through the internet 🙂

ALL

Mal50 · ‎05-11-2014

Hi All,

being able to simply talk to someone who you know you can trust certainly helps. I know what triggers my panic attacks so I avoid it at all cost. However, this limits my movement and activities. I can no longer enjoy some of the things I used to be able to do. Do you find yourself avoiding things All?

geoff · ‎05-11-2014

dear All, sometimes postspass the radar for me, and unfortunately yours has up until now, because I can relate so much to what you do have OCD.

Maybe if just tell you what it did for me, which I don't necessarily like to do, because it's your post, so quickly, I have had it for 54 years, a very long time, and what you have said is entirely true in what it makes us do, rituals and/or habits it doesn't really matter which one you choice, because basically they are the same, but different people have a fancy towards one or tother.

This illness is formed by anxiety and does involve having depression, and some of my habits would be to swallow 100 times and if I was interrupt I had to start again, but how on earth could anybody ever understand the mentality for someone having to do this, especially at such a young age, so I couldn't tell anyone, but was caught out by an older brother who then labelled me as being mentally sick.

54 years ago it was it wasn't really known, but if your google search it it tells you of older generations having it, but that's here say.

I'm not too sure that your mum will understand what you are trying to say, because to people who haven't ever had it, just don't believe that a person could possibly have any OCD habits control their life, as it's no different than to say that you want to tightrope walk, blindfolded across Niagara Falls, because it would seem impossible, so they won't believe you.

Over my years, ( sounds terribly old) any of my habits have changed, and as you say they are replaced by another one.

Unfortunately I have passed this gene onto my eldest son, who says to me 'sorry Dad I have to do this', he is now married and has two daughters, and it seems as though his eldest daughter may also have it, I hope not.

I am curious to know whether any past family have had it that you know of, as I have a twin who has never had it nor any depression.

I'm running out of words, but would really love to hear back from you, and oh, by the way type OCD in the search bar, and see what it comes up with. Talk soon. Geoff.