My life is going well, but I feel more depressed and isolated than ever

[AnonymousNobody]

So first, some background: I was diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome at the age of five. I’ve suffered from social anxiety and other related issues for as long as I can remember, but this was reasonably managed throughout my primary school years. However, in my first year of high school, I developed severe depression and anxiety, and became shuttered off from society at large, eventually culminating in my dropping out of school when I was sixteen and doing practically nothing for the next year and a half. I’m eighteen now, and my life, in practical terms, is better than ever. I’m doing a TAFE course, and working several days a week at an unpaid internship/work experience program. And yet, I feel more depressed than ever before, and I’m not sure exactly why. I do know that I feel isolated, as I have no real “friends” to speak of, nor a girlfriend. I do have several people who I talk to on the internet and am close to in a way, but internet “friendship” is a far cry from the real thing. In real life, people generally seem to be put off by me, especially women, for reasons that elude me. Nobody even wants to give me the time of day. I do get along with a girl at TAFE, who is somewhat older than me, in her mid 20s, and we have made a habit of going out to cafes after school, and also going out on the weekend, but I get a very strong vibe that she is not only not interested in any sort romantic relationship, but isn’t even particularly interested in friendship, and is merely talking and going out with me to be nice, which makes me more depressed, as I am quite fond of her. In addition to this, I am constantly dwelling on all the pointless pain, suffering and injustice that occurs in the world, and after searching hard for spiritual meaning, have been forced to come to the conclusion that the world is nothing but a careless, evil hellhole, and that altruism and empathy do not truly exist in any meaningful sense. All this has left me feeling very depressed, and I am unsure of how to deal with or resolve it.

Kind regards
AnonymousNobody

[MsPurple]

HI AnonymousNobody and welcome to the forums

You are not alone in feeling this way. Unforutantely the feeling of depression and anxiety can affect anyone at any time. It got me when I was close to finishing my masters. I was doing a great research project, got good placement sites etc however the black dog hit me hard.

I found for myself I couldn't beat the black dog alone. I needed help and support of loved ones, but most importantly of professionals. I decided to go to headspace. For me I found it really helpful. They are a youth mental health service. Maybe look them up (www.headspace.org.au). You could also have a chat to your gp and maybe get a referal to a psychologist to have a chat to. I know most people get frustrated when I suggest therapy (trust me I was one of those people not wanting to hear it) but it is really helpful in the long term.

Making friends is something I think a lot of people struggle with but not one seems to talk openly about. Lots of forum users struggle with making friends. I suggest trying to meet people at something you enjoy doing. E.g. I enjoy doing triathlons. Although I am not a member of a tri club I met someone at a tri and we are now friends and co-ordinate going together. Maybe you could join a local sporting team, or go to a meet up group. Some people are closed off and not open minded. IT can be really frustrating when you encounter people like this however just remember it is not your fault people are like this.

I hope some of this has been helpful. I am on the forums often so am able to answer any questions you may have

[white knight]

Hi anon. Welcome

You write very well.

Ms Purple is right when dhe stated that you nerd professional assistance to help you. That isnt something to feel ashamed about.

This girl you go to the cafe with, I'd try to keep that friendshop going. Its a healthy one and eventually it could turn into something more and good on you for maintaining that contact. We never know what someone else feels about the other.

Feeling a misfit isnt a comfortable place to be. But it is a case of finding like minded people and discarding those that dont fit into YOUR world. Internet dating has come a long way. Its positive is that you weed out those not remotely compatible. So just consider your options.

Light sports like volleyball, table tennis etc is great if you are physically able.

But if you enter a crowded room you need to develop the mindset that there will be 50% of people not compatible, a further 30% compatible as friends but they have other interests, etc. The margin for meeting someone as a friend or something more is very small. For this reason its easy to lose heart and the cycle of depression gets more intense.

For this reason becoming positive is the greatest change you can make in your life. Attend motivation lectures, read up on it and change your mindset. Eg google

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: changing mindsets- beyondblue

I wish you well

We sometimes blame ourselves for things either out of our control or for being different while all along its society that is the cause.

Tony WK

[AnonymousNobody]

Thank you to all who have replied for your advice. My apologies for not responding to your replies more promptly. I am actually seeing a therapist, but I am finding this insufficient. Therapy has never really helped me very much, primarily because I never feel any real connection to a therapist and can never really express my issues to them in any meaningful way. I usually give off an air of happiness, so I will generally give my therapist the impression that I am doing very well, even if I feel like garbage. So therapy has really not helped me whatsoever, and I have been in it since I was fourteen, seeing multiple different therapists. I am also on several psychiatric medications, but I also find these insufficient. My life has also deteriorated since my original post - the girl I mentioned essentially confirmed that she didn’t like or care about me and left me out in the cold, and the stress from my new schedule is starting to wear me down. I feel even more depressed and isolated than I did when I wrote my first post around a week ago.

Kind regards

AnonymousNobody

[MsPurple]

AnonymousNobody and thanks for coming back.

I have had a struggle with connecting with a therapist before. I talked to my GP about it and she suggested I swap therapists. She changed the referral. It helped me a lot. It is normal for some people not to click with certain therapists/personalities. Also it always takes me to at least 3 sessions to finally open up and click with someone. Sometimes it just takes a bit to click, sometimes it just won't click and you need to move on.

Sorry to hear your the girl you were fond of is not wanting any more than friendship. I know it is frustrating to not have the feelings returned, however I tried to look at it like it was not meant to be and I wanted to be with someone who wants to be with me also.

Let us know how you are going when you feel ready

[AnonymousNobody]

Hello MsPurple

Once again I am sorry for my weeks long absence, but I was occupied by life concerns. Things have gotten even worse since the last post I made. I’m starting to break under the stress of my schedule, and even my internet acquaintances have grown distant, so I don’t even have them to talk to anymore. I feel pretty much beyond hope at this point.

Kind regards

AnonymousNobody

[MsPurple]

Hi Anonymous. Sorry I hav been working super hard. Doing 6 days a week at the moment. Bit stressful. Lucky I had a psychologist appointment this week as I needed it. Good to just debrief.

It sounds like you are struggling with the pressure a little bit. Have you talked to your tafe coordinator about the pressure. I know at university they had disability services that assisted with this. They helped me with schedueling and they can give you extensions etc. Maybe see if you tafe have a similar service.

Trust me no one is beyond the point of no return. I remember when I was at my worst, I couldn't imagine feeling any better. But over time with the right therapist and with support I was able to get back up and I feel better than ever. I do have some bad days here and here however it is a what life is, but I can handle it a lot better now.

I am glad you have come to the forums to get some support. If ever you feel like you need more instant support you can always call beyond blue or chat with them online (see bottom left of page for more details). headspace also have an online service called eheadspace, which respond pretty quickly as well